Thank you, ObamaPresidentialPlate, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Hee hee – funny story. Bivuac – part hamster, part boll weevil, all office mascot – had been spending a little too much time sitting by the heat vent of the microwave. We thought it would just fry Bivuac’s tiny brain, but it…changed her. Before we knew it, she was flying around the office. And, here, we are not using a colloquialism for running around very quickly. No, our poor little Bivuac was floating around the office at eye level. Naturally, we were worried about our eyes. So w
ever look at a watermelon the same way again. However, we know that Bivuac is in a better place – even if she refuses to send postcards that identify it – and we’re all grateful for that. *
* Some parts of this story may have been lost when we closed the office for Earth Hour.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
When You Factor In The Paranoia…
The Liberal smear campaign went into high gear last week. And, I’m not talking about a bagel and a smear, the sort of thing my Jewish friends would find tasty. I’m talking about the kind of smear that leaves a nasty taste in your mouth – whether you’re Jewish or not – the kind of smear where people think they’re being clever by quoting your words back at you.
Last week, they went all the way back to 2004, when I said that every American owed it to their country to support the president in a time of crisis, whether or not they voted for him or agreed with his policies. They followed that with something I said last week about President Obama being a communist fascist who should be opposed when he wakes up in the morning and decides what to have for breakfast.
Very clever. Only, I was right both times. For anybody who doesn’t remember, George W. Bush was a war president, and we always rally around our leaders in times of war. Okay, technically, Obama is also a war president. But, he didn’t initiate either of the wars he’s fighting, he inherited them…from President Bush. Inheriting wars isn’t the American way – initiating them is. That makes him…let’s say that makes him half a war president. Not only that, but he wants to end the war in Iraq. Bush beats him two wars to one – that makes Obama only half a war president. Which, uhh, when you put it all together, I guess, makes him a…a quarter of a war president.
Anyway, I was quoted of context. When I said every American needed to support the president in times of crisis, I meant only when his policies hadn’t come directly from the Politburo. Anybody who has watched The Factor long enough would understand that…from subtext!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2973,91107,00.html]
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That…Sad Music – SNIFF! – Gets Me Every Time!
RCMP Commissioner William Elliott has asked Canadians not to rush to judgment regarding the taser death of Robert Dziekanski.
(cue the sad music)
Once upon a time there was a new kid on the block that didn’t know what its place was in the police arsenal. Guns were the patriarchs of the family; nobody questioned their authority. Billy clubs had been around so long that they were confident of who they were and what they were used for. Even pepper spray, the brash younger brother of the police arsenal, though cocky, was confident.
“Where do I fit in?” the lonely little taser thought to itself. This is the story of how this lowly weapon found its place in the world.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657cc48ec]
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Fortune – Not To Mention Audiences – Favours Fools
Tuesday. 9pm. NBC. Survivor: Writer’s Room. The contest about people who work behind the scenes at a reality show takes a turn for the surreal when they sue the producers of the reality show they’re on, claiming that they are forced to work under sweatshop conditions and are not paid for overtime. For the love of god, why is reality TV not dead yet?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Right Condemns Bipartisanship In Belief It’s A Kinky Sexual Practice
How Washington works:
“We will oppose everything you do!”
“But –”
“We hate you!”
“That’s not –”
“We will not rest until you have been driven out of office!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I will get the nation’s business done with or without you.”
“PARTISAN!”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=623&dir=bb]
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Nobody Ever Complained About Jackie’s Pillbox Hats
Washington has started a new arms race. A bare arms race.
“It isn’t fair!” Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s wife Laureen complained about Michelle Obama’s propensity to show off her well trimmed upper musculature by wearing short sleeved shirts. “I exercise regularly, and I wouldn’t be caught dead in short sleeves! Some people are just born with great genes!”
Svetlana Vladimirovna Medvedeva, wife of Russian President Dmitri Medvedev, shrugged and said, “I wouldn’t want to cause a fuss. The Obamas seem like such nice people. Still, those clothes – it’s just not for me.”
“If you don’t mind,” Obama responded. “I have some work to do on behalf of military families…”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2009/03/22/090322.html]
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It’s All Part Of The Plan
RNC Chair Michael Steele is grateful that he has been out of the news for a couple of days. “Thank goodness for Barack Obama’s plan to fix the economy,” Steele stated. “It may be totally wrong, but at least it took the spotlight off me!”
Isn’t he supposed to be taking the spotlight away from the Democrats?
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2009-03-25-man-of-steele_x.htm]
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You Can Please Some Of The People All Of The Time And All Of The People Some Of The Time, But There’s…There’s No Pleasing Some People!
When it was discovered that Ontario flags were made in China, New Democratic MPP Peter Kormos stated: “This is outrageous! The symbol of our province is being outsourced! This is indicative of all that is wrong with the Liberal government!”
When Speaker Steve Peters ruled that all ensigns purchased on behalf of the Ontario Legislative Assembly be made in Canada, Conservative MPP Bob Runciman stated: “This is outrageous! It’s economic protectionism masquerading as patriotism! This is indicative of all that is wrong with the Liberal government!”
Premier Dalton McGuinty shrugged pleasantly and responded, “Yeah. Right. Whatever.”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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