Thank you, Muffinella Bahn, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a survey that showed that one-third (33% for people who prefer their percentages in easily digestible numeric form) of all fast food restaurants who suffer burns say that their manager suggested wholly inappropriate treatments, including condiments such as mustard, mayonnaise, butter, or ketchup, instead of burn cream. And, we thought, Well, that’s just nuts! Roasted flesh and condiments? You do that, and you’re just making yourself more appetizing for hungry zombies!
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When It Was Pointed Out That The Pope Was A Scientist, Santorum Backed Off…And Said The Issue Should Be Left To Politicians
Republican Presidential candidate and devout Catholic (when it suits him) Rick Santorum has come out against Pope Francis’ stand on global climate change, saying that “We probably are better off leaving science to the scientists, and focusing on what we’re really good at, which is theology and morality.” Aware that Santorum has publicly taken positions against the scientific consensus on such issues as abortion and, well, climate change, the Absurd Ironyometer shook its head sadly and considered donating some money to Greenpeace.
Then, it remembered that Santorum tried to square Francis’ musings about gays with Catholic Church doctrine because, you know, Papal infallibility and all that. But, if the Pope is infallible, how can Santorum now…
Just contemplating the multiplying absurdities, the AI started to shake. Then, a thin plume of smoke escaped its joints, and it started repeating, “Hummina, hummina, hummina…” After a few seconds, there was a loud CRACK! and all the lights on the machine went dead.
Congratulations, Rick – you broke the Absurd Ironyometer!
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Inaction Bronson Suits Toronto Just Fine, Thank You
Action Bronson’s free appearance at Yonge-Dundas Square has been cancelled after a petition that objected to the misogyny of his lyrics about rape gathered over 40,000 signatures. “I…I feel so violated…” the American hip hop artist, stunned, commented.
Un hunh.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=5/29/2015.htm#1]
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Bag Of Heartless Assholery Is Probably More Appropriate, But That Would Require Some Serious Rebranding…
They do everything bigger in Texas. Including the crazy.
Republican State Representative Matt Schaefer has proposed an amendment to the Health and Safety Code for medical facilities that would “prohibit the performance of an abortion at the facility on the basis that the fetus has a severe and irreversible abnormality.” When he first justified this amendment, I thought he was referring to the potential suffering of the mother, who would be susceptible to sepsis and other painful, potentially fatal illnesses, if forced to carry an unviable fetus to term. But, no, he was actually talking about the fetus itself.
And, what sin, exactly, is a fetus capable of having? Thou shalt not kill…your mother’s healthy cells? Obey thy mother…when she tells you to stop kicking because you’re interfering with her playing bridge with the Wilsons? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s…womb in the maternity ward? There certainly are some original sins there, boy!
Schaefer will take up residence in the Bag of Crazy at 237 Lack of Empathy Laneway, where he will be able to mingle with others with his condition. Perhaps there is a god after all.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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I May Be Paraphrasing, But The Math Alone Takes Several Hundred Pages…
A Senate committee has suggested that Bill C-51 be adopted, but that it be reviewed in five years. This brought to mind Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity: bringing the same legislation in front of the same politicians over and over again and expecting different results.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Pentagon Singing The Same Old Song
The metal band Anthrax has performed live hundreds, perhaps thousands of time at science labs in the United States, Canada and two other countries, the Pentagon has admitted. The Anthrax had been bombarded with gamma rays and negative reviews, and was presumed dead, but it showed up at research facilities and broke into “Bring the Noise,” among other songs.
“The live Anthrax is very weak – it only plays one or two songs, often not even amplified,” said Robert Work, US Deputy Secretary of Defence. “In the decade since we’ve been working with the band, no lab technicians have contracted Metalheadism. The public has nothing to fear from the programme.”
The band tours scientific facilities in an ongoing effort to detect and find a cure for Metalheadism. “It has nothing to do with weaponizing Anthrax,” Work tried to assure the public. “Metal bands are banned by the Geneva Convention and, anyway, have you ever seen somebody suffering from Metalheadism? The long, greasy hair. The slack jaw. The dead eyes – it would just be inhumane!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2015/ALLPOLITICS/06/01/reps.main/index.html]
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Those Who Do Not Remember History Are Doomed To Repeat Jokes About It
INT. NIGHT – WASHINGTON BAR
REPUBLICAN: The problem with Liberals is that they can’t tell the difference between satire and real news.
DEMOCRAT: Like…?
REPUBLICAN: Like…the news reports about guards at Abu Ghraib forcing prisoners to get naked and form a human pyramid – comedy gold!
DEMOCRAT: That wasn’t satire.
REPUBLICAN: Sure it was.
DEMOCRAT: It really happened.
REPUBLICAN: You see? This is exactly what I’m saying!
DEMOCRAT: There were photographs.
REPUBLICAN: Get with the 21st century! You know, we now have a little thing called Photoshop – ever hear of it?
DEMOCRAT: There was a trial. Two of the guards went to prison.
REPUBLICAN: So, it was an elaborate satire. A really elaborate satire.
DEMOCRAT: I’m telling you: it really happened!
REPUBLICAN: Tsk tsk – some people have so much trouble facing reality!
DEMOCRAT: (muttering) I was just thinking the same thing…
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227527]
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He Made The Announcement In Ukraine Because…Uhh…He Couldn’t Get Further Away From Parliament And Still Be On Planet Earth
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has stated that his government was not responsible for the expense scandal an auditor has found in the Senate. Who is? Five tourists, including two Canadians, who stripped naked to be photographed on sacred Mount Kinabalu in Malaysian Borneo.
“They distracted the budget gods, allowing the 21 Senators in question to sneak undocumented and invalid expense claims past them,” Harper explained. “However, the budget gods are stern and unforgiving, and you can expect their judgment to be swift and harsh: repayment of the money the Senators should not have been given! Every cent of it!
“That will teach some people who have no connection to the Senate to keep their clothes on!”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/06/06/509727.html]
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