Thank you, Monique Moosemeat, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we lost our notes for this introduction and we forgot what we were going to write (although we remember enough about it to know that it would have been brilliant). So we did what everybody in our situation online does when they don’t have any idea what to fill space with too close to a deadline: here’s a picture of an adorable cat in a bag:
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
It’s The Same Old Romantic Story: They Were Just Two Planes Crashing In The Night
INT. AIRPORT – DAY
Indian Prime Minister NARENDRA MODI is standing by a gate waiting for a plane to board, surrounded by a small entourage of security agents and aides. At the other end of the terminal aisle, US President DONALD TRUMP and his entourage are walking in his direction. The President stops periodically to tell somebody sitting in a chair how great a job he is doing; the person does his best not to be embarrassed.
NARENDRA MODI: (groans) Oh, Gods. It’s Donald. Quick, somebody give me something to read!
Modi’s aides scramble to find something readable in their carry-on luggage. Eventually, one finds a John Grisham novel, which he hands to the Prime Minister. Modi looks at it with disdain, but seeing Trump rapidly approaching, opens it to a random page and sticks it in front of his face. Soon after, Trump arrives in front of him.
DONALD TRUMP: My trade policies have made the United States the envy of the world. Best economy. Best looking women. Best leader. You must be so jealous!
MODI: (neutral) Yes, sir. Very jealous, sir.
TRUMP: I knew you would b – hey! That voice sounds awfully familiar!
MODI: Oh, I’m sure you must be mistaken, sir. It is a very common voice, indeed, sir.
TRUMP: Narendera, is that you?
MODI: No, sir. My name is…Chuck.
TRUMP: Narendera, that is you! You old dog! How are you?
Modi reluctantly lowers the paperback and hands it off to an aide.
MODI: Donald! I’m sorry – I didn’t see you, there! I was too absorbed in…whatever that book was that I was reading.
TRUMP: I have a bone to pick with you, Narnendera.
MODI: I…am not familiar with that English idiom. Does it mean you are happy I lead India and wish me long life and many offspring?
TRUMP: I mean you’ve been making trade deals with other countries behind my back. That’s not a nice thing to do with an ally as great as the United States!
MODI: You know I have nothing but admiration for the job you’re doing, Donald. You are the best President your country has ever had.
TRUMP: (grinning happily) I know. (scowling) But France, Narendra? Really? New Zealand? Slovakia? Slovakia! What does Slovakia have that the United States doesn’t have?
MODI: (aside) A stable, sane government? (to Trump) You’re absolutely right, Donald. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll rip those other trade deals up immediately upon my return home. (aside) I shall do no such thing.
TRUMP: (brightly) See that you do. I’d hate to put additional sanctions on Indian products. (darkens) But I wouldn’t hate it that much, because I actually love to sanction other countries. You’ve been –
A Secret Service agent leans in and whispers something in President Trump’s ear.
TRUMP: (continuing, under his breath) Missile threat, hunh? Well, I know how to deal with those Iranian bastards! (to Modi) Sorry, Narry, but I have to catch Air Force Two. Remember what we talked about, okay?
MODI: Will do…Dronald.
President Trump hesitates for a moment, unsure of what he just heard. Then, he stalks off, his entourage behind him. When he is gone, Modi turns to his aides.
MODI: (continuing) John Grisham? You couldn’t have had The Times of India or even Newsweek? All you’ve got is John…Grisham‽
The aide shrugs pleasantly.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
Especially When They Are Read By Saskia Maarleveld!
Adam is a brave soldier who is prepared to die for his Queen on her hill. Eve is a member of an elite military group of wasps whose task is to take over the hill at all costs. You know that by the end of the story they will fall in love, but you have no idea how. Maybe, their stars will cross in this chapter. No? Maybe the next chapter. Still no? Okay, just one more chapter before you accede to the glare of your boss and get back to work.
Mandible: Stories that squeak to you.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1038952994]
more
The Devil Is In The Details – But So Is The Fun
it’s a 1der he remembers how to breath) Donald Trump recently learned (we don’t know from whom, but we’re pretty sure it wasn’t Natalie Harp) that Mar-a-Lago is Spanish for “Sea to Lake.” Spanish being the language of the immigrant invasion, he cannot have that! What should he rename his resort home?
a) Delamer-au-Lac
b) Tengert?l-a-T ig
c) Bhomhuir-gu-Loch
born 2 be mild) They all sound very pretty. I’m sure the President will – hey, wait! Don’t they all mean “Sea to Lake?”
a) umm…no…
b) okay, yeah, maybe, but everything sounds better in Scottish Gaelic, don’t you think?
c) yeah. Ain’t I ah stinkah?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Oh, We’re Well Past World War III And Into End Times Armageddon
As Usual, The Times Is Six Months Behind The Times!
“Has World War III Started?”
– New York Times
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1270652738]
more
What, You Died During Combat? Of Course You Realize, This Doesn’t Mean War
Air Force Major Alex Klinner was killed during the US war in Iran. You would think that this would make his family eligible for benefits? Sure. You probably think the Easter Bunny bunks with Santa Claus when they aren’t working during their holidays, too. No, Klinner’s family cannot get the benefits they deserve because, according to Secretary of Defence War Shafting Veterans Pete Hegseth, what’s happening in Iran is not a war. “If a war is a seven course meal, what’s happening in Iran is small potatoes, barely an appetizer,” he commented.
“Besides,” Hegseth added, “we need that money to replace the weapons that…we…uhh…have more than enough of, but…you know, we can always use more – you never know what could happen, really and, umm, yeah…”
SOURCE: Narcissism For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/satirefordummies/narcissismfordummies/home.asp?did=513&dir=bb]
more