Thank you, Mister Jobangles, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were informed (in a very snooty email, we must say) that our page was one of the 83 million Facebook accounts that are fake. Quelle embarrassment! And, here we really thought that Eliazar von Blankenstein was the name of a real person! Or, sounded like one, in any case. Okay, maybe we should have posted more than Viagra ads and pleas to pass a law outlawing glasses with prescriptions that are higher than 10/267 to the Facebook account, but, in our defense, we are new at this whole social media thing.
Next time, we’ll go with Cialis.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Complete With Cross Of Gold And Special Glowing Eyes That Can Follow You All The Way Down Into Hell
If, on your next visit to the Vatican, you plan on buying a Vatican II placemat, complete with a chart showing which changes have been rescinded since 1962, or a Cardinal Ratzinger “Burn, Heretics, Burn!” action figure, be sure to bring cash. Concerned about financial accountability and inadequate money-laundering controls, the Bank of Italy has decided to no longer accept debit and credit charges from the Vatican, as well as shutting down its ATMs in the city-state.
Of course, this will do nothing to stop sales of Leo VII’s knuckles preserved in formaldehyde or a slide purporting to contain the sweat of Mary Magdalene. “Those have always been cash only transactions,” Vatican Spokesman Federico Lombardi explained.
The Catholic Church is also expected to enjoy a brisk business in tithes. “We don’t do that any more,” Lombardi scowled, adding, “Would you like a Cardinal Ratzinger action figure? To help you think upon your sins?”
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=533&dir=bb]
more
If That Doesn’t Reduce Your Taxes, I Move To Hardball: The Application Of Fruit-filled Baked Goods To The Taxman’s Countenance
This is Delippe Felazzio, the Tax Lawyer. That’s right – I had my name legally changed to Delippe Felazzio, the Tax Lawyer to show you just how much I care about your taxes. We all know that taxes are bad, because we all tell ourselves that taxes are bad all the time. We wouldn’t keep telling ourselves something that wasn’t true, so taxes must be bad. When the taxman comes to your door, I promise to “Hiyah!” him in the neck and pull his pants down for maximum ridicule. Me. Delippe Felazzio, the Tax Lawyer. The guy who changed his name to show how much he cares…about your taxes!
SOURCE: C-DIK: Big Dick Radio
<[http://www.edgy095.com/]br />
more
Odd Is In The Details
The United Nations has suspended a polio drive in Pakistan after eight people involved in it were shot dead in two days. The suspension was a major setback in the effort to eradicate the crippling disease from the country.
The murders were partly a response to last year’s revelation that a Pakistani doctor had run a fake hepatitis vaccination programme to gather information to help the CIA track down and kill Osama bin Laden.
“It’s barbarian,” said American Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. “They are condemning their own children to horrible deaths! No humane person could possibly understand, let alone condone such actions!”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012Dec14.html]
more
Sure, Like Anybody In Their Right Mind Would Want To Go To Pris – Ohhhhhh…
A primary goal of any correctional system is to ensure that prisons are places no one wants to go to and to which no one would want to return. That is why we only allow prisoners to have double anchovies on any pizza they order, and they are only able to watch reruns of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on TV. Critics of the policy say it is punitive and mean, but I’m sure that, if the Harper Government of Canada collected statistics on such things, our approach would be shown to cut the recidivism rate in half. No, make that two thirds.
– Vic Toews, Minister of Public Safety
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20130104.eladvote0104_@/BNStory/lettersOopsEd2013/]
more
Citizen Hurricane
Having made a deal to keep the country from going over the “fiscal cliff,” Speaker of the House John Boehner announced that from now on the Republican Party would be more concerned with the plight of the average American. To illustrate his newfound compassion, he didn’t bring a bill to the floor that would have helped victims of Hurricane Sandy.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more
Maybe You Both Need A New Script
Sean Yang, President of Huawei Canada, a subsidiary of the Chinese telecom giant, has accused people who have security concerns over Chinese corporations operating in the west of protectionism.
In response, President Obama blinked a couple of time and said, “Wait – protectionism? That’s our line!”
When told of the President’s remark, Yang stated, “Payback is a – how do you say it? – female dog in heat, isn’t it?”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB143786397491104306,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
more
They Would Have Been Killed First?
“But in general, a feminized setting is a setting in which helpless passivity is the norm. Male aggression can be a good thing, as in protecting the weak – but it has been forced out of the culture of elementary schools and the education schools that train their personnel. Think of what Sandy Hook might have been like if a couple of male teachers who had played high-school football, or even some of the huskier 12-year-old boys, had converged on Lanza.”
– Charlotte Allen, National Review
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more
As Good An Explanation As Any
Barack and John are no longer BFFs.
President Obama started a rumour on the playground that he would not negotiate program cuts in order to convince Congress to raise the debt ceiling. Speaker of the House John Boehner responded by huffily posting to his Facebook page that he…he…well, he didn’t want to negotiate on a stupid debt ceiling anyway. Then, Obama took Boehner’s photo out of his locker. In retaliation, Boehner mouthed a shocked “oh no you di’n’t” and announced that Obama would no longer be welcome working on the school yearbook.
Are the Republican Representatives tweeting “You go, John!” and “Alright! You finally realized that paying your bills is for chess club nerds!” really his friends, or do they have ulterior motives? Are the Republican Representatives who watch in silence?
Stay tuned for more drama!
SOURCE: Teen Persons
[http://www.teenpersonsmag.com/politics/catfight/obamaboehner.shtml]
more