Thank you, Mississauga E. Scarborough, Jr., for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were on the top level of a double decker bus going…reasons. Somebody had left an empty beer can on the floor, and it was rolling around as the bus moved: forward when we were in motion, backward when we stopped, to and fro when we turned. It reminded us of those maze puzzles where you had to manoeuvre a metal ball into a hole by tilting the wooden platform the maze rested on. We watched as the beer can rolled close to the stairs, then rolled back. Rolled closer to the stairs, then rolled back. Closer. Back. Closer. Back. When it finally rolled down the stairs, we threw our arms up and cheered. Then, noticing the strange looks from the passengers seated around us, we slowly lowered our arms and quietly said to ourselves, “Yay!”
Soon after, we realized that this was the kind of pointless story our grandfathers used to tell us when we were children. Either we’re older than we realize, or our grandparents were smarter than we gave them credit for!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You Totally Did, Frank
The other day, Gerald said, “There’s good news and there’s bad news about Middle Eastern politics – which do you want first?”
“These days, I’ll take all the good news I can get,” I answered.
“Okay. The good news is that AIPAC, the Zionist lobby group, has announced that it is closing down its Political Action Committee. The organization claimed that it will no longer be giving money to political candidates or endorsing them through its PAC because their help was actually hurting the prospects of the politicians they wanted to be elected.”
“Wow!” I enthused. “That’s amazing! We won! We actually won! I don’t think any bad news could kill my joy knowing that.”
“Oh, well,” Gerald seemed embarrassed. “The bad news is that AIPAC will continue to support pro-Zionist candidates through dark money channels that cannot be traced back to it.”
I…totally jinxed it, didn’t I?
SOURCE: Frank’s Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignorefrankatyourperil.com/conspiracy2300.html]
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Whatever You Do, Don’t Tell Him About Los Angeles!
Donald J. Trump
@RealDonaldTrump
Monatana should immediately change its name to MOUNTAIN.1 Many people don’t know this, but Montana is a SPANISH word.2 It means MOUNTAIN!3 Why are we using Spanish words to name our GREAT AMERICAN STATES?4 We speak ENGLISH in America, not Spanish!5 The name MOUNTAIN would bring tremendous VALUE and PRESTIGE to the State.6 Property values would SKYROCKET, wages would go UP, and the people would be even PROUDER to live in the most BEAUTIFUL State in the Country!7 The Radical Left doesn’t want you to know this.8 They love Spanish Mountains. I love AMERICAN MOUNTAINS! Nobody loves Mountains more than me.9 The biggest, most beautiful Mountains. We’re going to make Montana AMERICAN AGAIN!10 Thank you for your attention to this matter.
Notes
1. Because the President needs more cowbell?1a
1a. Listen to “Mississippi Queen” on YahooTube. You’re welcome.
2. No!
3. NO! I mean, yeah, obviously. But if somebody is going to go to all this trouble to stoke outrage at something as trivial as a Spanish word, I feel they should be rewarded for their effort.
4. Because nobody spoke conversational Aramaic when the nation was founded?
5. “Only the best English, too! I speak English gooder than the English who created the language! Everybody knows that! Everybody says so. Because they speak English, too! Not as good as me, because I’m the best – goes without saying – but pretty good. Can I talk about windmills, now?”
6. Because everybody knows how VALUABLE and PRESTIGIOUS the towns of Brick and Mud are…
7. And it will make your whites whiter, your Blacks whiter and give bald men back their hair!
8. They’re too busy laughing to spread the message.
9. “Because of the whole good speaking English thing. See note five for details.”
10. So…am I the only one who thinks President Trump’s map fetish is weird? It is weird, isn’t it?
11. WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT US? WE ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE! HONESTLY, YOU NEED TO CHILL!!!
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/dont-tell-him-about-san-diego/]
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There Aren’t Enough Trans People In The World To Justify The Outrage?
Immigrants Aren’t Running Around Eating Our Pets, Buying Our Homes While Collecting Welfare Or Ruining Our Health Care System?
Need I Go On?
“Why some voter angst may be misplaced”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1586915268]
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I Don’t Think JG Ballard Would Approve
Let’s Not Tell Him…
Warm Pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
See the curing meat
Every time we eat
See the curing meat
Every time we eat
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Smell the pork grease, we
Get a little queasy
Smell the pork grease, we
Get a little queasy
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette melts
On your eager tongue
It tastes vaguely like meat
It tastes like pasts long gone
A tear of lard falls in your eye, it
May be chicken, best to fry it
Quick, let’s make provolone before we diet
On warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Warm pepperette
Join the dinette set
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/999.html]
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“Unlike Swamp Gas, Which Is A Radical Commie Bastard!”
Pierre Poilievre – is he still leader of the federal Conservative Party? Really? They don’t have anybody better to replace him? What a sad comment! – Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre has urged the federal government – which he is unlikely to ever head; are you sure there isn’t anybody who could take his place, maybe an out of work MultiMaxiMegaMart greeter or former porn star ?- ANYBODY‽ – to sue Stelco’s American owner Cleveland-Cliffs over job guarantees it made when it took over the Canadian steelmaker in 2024.
Need I say that it took less than two years for Cleveland-Cliffs to renege on its guarantees? I do? Well…consider it said.
When criticized for his position, Poilievre – are you sure his leadership of the Conservative Party isn’t a mass hallucination? He has the charisma of swamp gas, and almost as much compassion – who has always championed big business, especially when it lived in the United States, said, “I’m not being a hypocritical opportunist. I’m being ideologically flexible!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20261024.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsOops2026/]
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