Thank you, Miss Anne Dree, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the English language is weird. For instance, whenever somebody talks about a sports figure “taking a knee,” we have to wonder: where? Out to see a movie? Home to meet his mom? Albuquerque? Most of the time, we instinctively cup our privates, because that’s where we have nightmares of taking a knee!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Worse: It Disintegrates After The Second Washing!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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There Is No Truth To The Rumour That The Contract Was Signed In Blood (It Was Splashed With Blood By Accident)
Anheuser-Busch InBev has bought SABMiller for $100 billion, giving the company control of almost one third of the global beer market. You might be drinking one of the company’s beverages as you read this and not even know it!
The deal almost didn’t happen. As it was being signed, a senior executive for Anheuser-Busch InBev suggested that they celebrate with a six pack of Budweiser. A senior executive for SABMiller countered that the only proper way to celebrate would be declaring that it was “Miller Time.” Another member of the Anheuser-Busch InBev negotiating team muttered under his breath, “I wouldn’t drink that piss if the future of my corporate stock options depended upon it!”
Then, it was on.
Eventually, inevitably the mounting accusations of undrinkability turned to blows. Before the blows could turn deadly, an accountant moaned, “Why can’t we all get along…with huge bonuses for everybody involved?” This appeal to their unenlightened self-interest got everybody back to the signing table.
If any bad feelings remain, the affected executives can always cry in their…you know.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f6f3-9f25-a2eb4cc6a528]
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Time, For A Change…
Monday. 10 pm. NBC. Time on Their Hands. The team goes back in time four years to determine if there is any truth to the accusation that their show is a rip-off of a Spanish language series called El Ministerio del Tiempo. Garcia Flynn (Goran Visnjic) wants to bust the Mexicans for time crimes, but Lucy Preston (Abigail Spencer) urges caution: one misstep could erase their pilot from the timeline, making it as though their show never existed.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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And Possibly Handing The Opportunity To Do It To The Local Arsonist, But Still…
Some democrats, disaffected from the party because of deficiencies they find in candidate Hillary Clinton (and, in some cases, still pining for the majesty of Bernie Sanders), are considering voting for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson.
This would be like if you weren’t happy with the renovations to your bathroom, so you decided to burn the whole house down.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Any Headline We Could Write Now Would Probably Have Been Read By The Chinese A Week Ago
“Ottawa seeks cyberaccord with China to safeguard corporations from hacking”
– Globe and Mail
“Man who stole military data sentenced
Chinese citizen receives 46-month prison term for his part in conspiracy to hack into U.S. defence contractors, including Boeing”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1072233749]
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Not To Worry: They Have Lawyers To Advise Them On What Their Identities As Singles Used To Be
It’s over. Finished. Done comme le diner. Brangelina is over. Brian – Barnie – Brancolm – the two people involved in Brangelina are getting divorced. The big question on everybody’s mind is: who were the individual components of the relationships?
“Brandon…something, wasn’t it?” said cuticle stylist Melanie Octopus.
“Brantford and Lina, right?” suggested professional road hockey player Octavio Debussy.
“Baron and Gina…something,” mused Shrinkwrap Ontologism, a part-time gadfly fisherman. “Jeez, it’s been so long since they were individuals – how do you expect me to remember their actual names?”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2016/2016/09/23/thenamegame/]
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The Thin Black And Blue Line
The FBI has arrested over 100 people on suspicion of being involved in a domestic terrorism ring. The suspects allegedly beat and murdered scores of black men and women; they were considered armed and highly dangerous.
The suspects were members of the Ku Klux Klan, Aryan Nation and other white supremacist organizations. But, what unified them?
They were all police officers.
“Umm, yeah, we weren’t very keen on taking this action,” a chagrined FBI Agent Cooper stated. “But, when it was obvious local law enforcement wasn’t actually going to do anything, we felt we had to act.”
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,Castro-ohoh]
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Umm…At The Next Debate?
Profiles in Courage
With a microphone that acted up and a moderator who was clearly biased for daring to ask questions, Donald Trump saw the odds of winning the first Presidential debate stacked against him. Did he panic? Did he go very, very low when he had the opportunity? Absolutely not! The man who was on his third marriage and who knows how many affairs bravely refrained from blaming bitter rival Hilary Clinton from being responsible for her husband’s infidelities.
If courage is the ability to not do things that are morally reprehensible, Trump is a paragon.
When will we ever see the likes of this brave, brave man again?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=887&dir=bb]
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On The Side Of One Of The Death Rays, Somebody Has Impishly Printed, “This Machine Kills Musicians”
Blogthorps from the planet Bradbury II say the controversial $15 billion Canadian deal to supply them with death rays should be seen as a good will gesture to cement friendly relations between the two races.
“This contract has been given…for…for…for sexual relations enhancement,” Blogthorp Ambassador Regingus Krell said through a translator. “Why…why…why are you [UNTRANSLATABLE] at me like that?”
Experts on Blogthorp/human interactions believe Ambassador Krell said “social relations” and was just mistranslated. They fervently hope that that is the case, anyway.
Critics of the deal claim that the death rays will be used to kill dissidents within the Blogthorp Emporium. (That is not a mistranslation – they are a mercantile race.)
“We already have…have…have ways of dealing with [UNTRANSLATABLE] enemies of the Blogthorp people,” Ambassador Krell responded to the allegations. “I especially like dousing them with salt and…and…and setting the giant Esquar Goat on them. The…the…the slow slurping sounds are most gratifying!”
After a moment’s reflection, he added: “I assure you, the…the…the death rays will only be used for peaceful purposes!”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=42348640924641775687fx]
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