Thank you, Mishi Gauss, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the – oh, girl, don’t be all in my face like I stole Eric away from you! Like, that fight in the cafeteria over the last piece of unagi sushi on the plate was all on you, not me! Did I tell you to be such a pig? Did I, like, force you not to give in to Eric’s superior logic, not to mention his insatiable hunger? Like, you reap what you, like, sow, babe. It’s all about the reapage and the sowage. And, oh, yeah, happy Valentine’s Day.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
They’d Probably Enjoy I – Okay, Where Have I Heard That Before?
Given the problems Alberta is facing with decreasing fresh water supplies, it’s tempting to say: “Let the western bastards go thirsty in the heat.” And, yet, the vicious, short-sighted parochialism just doesn’t feel right, somehow, you know?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Or, You Could Figure It Out For Yourse – No, Sorry, Don’t Know What I Was Thinking
Okay, now I’m confused.
According to an advertisement for President’s Choice products at Loblaws, I should buy my girl roses for Valentine’s Day. Okay. Traditional, but nice. But, another advertisement for The Sony Store says I should buy her a digital camera because – get this – while she’s telling me how much she loves the roses, she’s really thinking she won’t be getting any enjoyment out of them after they wilt, which we’re led to believe will be about three seconds after the commercial ends.
So, now, I don’t know what to get her. Is it really too much to ask that advertisers stop sending me these mixed messages?
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pill’s
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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So Much Intelligence, So Few Brains
Insecurity Agencies
Air Force Intelligence, as of today,
Can’t figure out why it was looking the other way
Army Intelligence
Didn’t reckon on insurgents
The Central Intelligence Agency has been in a funk
Since its director erred with the term “slam dunk”
Coast Guard Intelligence, for one thing,
Is not getting sufficient funding
The Defense Intelligence Agency and yo’ mama
Failed to properly target Osama
Meanwhile, the Department of Energy is singing psalms
About ever more powerful atomic bombs
The Department of Homeland Security, so mysterious, so strong
Got all of their coloured alerts wrong
The Department of State
Refused to negotiate
The Department of the Treasury doesn’t think it’s funny
To fund the war by printing more money
The Drug Enforcement Administration
Has no cause for celebration
The Federal Bureau of Investigation felt it wouldn’t be so great
With the other agencies to cooperate
The Marine Corps Intelligence agency
Can no evil hear or see
The National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency shouldn’t be proud
That it seems to have plucked its information out of the clouds
The National Reconnaissance Office cannot show
What it obviously doesn’t know
The National Security Agency taps the phones of local podiatrists
Rather than the communications of international terrorists
Navy Intelligence, coy as can be,
Seems all at sea
Black ops, psy-ops
Bad, badder, baddest cops
But, do you feel any safer?
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/153.html]
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As Black As it Gets
MONDAY: Did I ever tell you about the time I decided to go a month without buying a product that used a famous song or referenced a famous movie or other work of art in its commercials? I had to quit after three days because I was bored out of my mind and I had lost 27 pounds.
TUESDAY: I had an agreeument with my boyfriend last week and neither of us realized it for five days.
WEDNESDAY: Only 20 per cent of African-Americans say they would vote for Barack Obama for President. Many of them say it’s because he’s not black enough. I’m sure they’ll be proud of voting for a brother like Nit Romney. Or, how about John McCain? Sure, there’s a man who knows what it’s like to be racially discriminated against!
THURSDAY: Sure, I like playing World of Wowcraft, but there’s no way you’re going to get me to put something called Bawls in my mouth!
FRIDAY: President Bush has an understanding of the world that only a person who has never done his own laundry could have.
SATURDAY: According to a survey in Redbook, 70 per cent of women prefer chocolate to sex. And, I say: you have to choose? Personally, I prefer my sex with chocolate!
SUNDAY: Anna Nicole Smith died for the media’s sins.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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For That Deep, Deep, Really Deep Down Thirst…
A rift between Coca-Cola and some bottlers has been eased with the dropping of lawsuits over plans by the world’s largest beverage maker to distribute its drinks via water cannon.
The new delivery system would require customers to stand in certain designated areas of WalMart Stores with their mouths wide open so that a cannon at a central location in the city could fire soda pop directly into their mouths. The bottlers are concerned that this would destroy the basis of their industry, not to mention being really, really unsanitary.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,NB113813394491118808,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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Because We All Know The Difference, Right?
Stephen Harper’s Conservative government has come under fire for appointing party loyalists to committees that select judges. However, it’s not hard to see the value for the committees of people like: Karin Schnarr, vice president of public affairs for a PR firm, who will be well positioned to sell the move to the public; firefighter Mark Bettens, who can help douse the firestorm of protest around the move, and; graphic artist Johane Desjardins because, umm, well, every judge deserves a flattering portrait.
At the same time, the Conservative government has changed the categories of assessment for judges. There used to be three possibilities: highly qualified, qualified and unqualified. Now, there are just two: good and evil.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Makes Me (Seven) Wonders
The Seven Wonders of the World
by Marcus, aged 14
1. Martha Greevey’s chest (does this count as one or two wonders, I wonder)
2. World of Wowcraft
3. Pizza Pops
4. anything with Sonic the Hedgehog in it
5. anything by System of a Down
6. my mom’s lasagna
7. And, uhh, the CN Tower. Sure, why not? The CN Tower
SOURCE: Kids Net For Kids
[http://kn4k.arg/activities/wonder.html]
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