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The Daily Me Staff
Of Course, He Lost Hundreds When He Was Conscious, So He’s Actually Ahead
Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon opened his eyes, sang two verses of the Barnes and Barnes novelty song “Fish Heads” and played poker with hospital workers for two and a half hours (losing a buck fifty). Then, he returned to a coma.
His doctors said not to read too much into Sharon’s actions, which they referred to as “merely a reflex.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2006Jan15.html
And, You Know Which Party Supports Corporal Punishment…
New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton has suggested that the Liberal Party of Canada needs a time out. Perhaps. Unfortunately, poor and weak Canadians are the ones who are going to get spanked.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
And Counting…
T minus 5) Why would Conservative candidate David Sweet not mention on his campaign Web site that he is a member of the Christian organization Promise Keepers Canada?
a) the Bible teaches modesty for one’s good works
b) because then he might be tempted to explain why he once said, “There’s a particular reason Jesus called men only. It’s not that women aren’t co-participators. It’s because Jesus knew women would naturally follow,” and you know nothing good can come of that!
c) to be fair, because he knows that members of the effete, liberal, Jewish media elite will make fun of him for it (not that I’m looking in a mirror or anything…)
T minus 4) Which of the following is the most ridiculous accusation made against Stephen Harper’s Conservative Party?
a) if elected, the Conservatives will cause cancer
b) Stephen Harper has evolved, alright: into a werewolf!
c) if you even think about voting for the Conservatives, the Earth will stop rotating on its axis, flinging all living things into the airless void of outer space
T minus 3) Which of the following is the best example of the folly of wanting change for change’s sake?
a) your vital signs are weakening and you are no longer able to hold down solid food
b) your child has dropped out of school and is living in a Hell’s Angels safe house
c) Prime Minister Stephen Harper agreeing to send Canadian troops to Iran to support America’s next war
T minus 2) Why was Conservative candidate Harold Albrecht shuffled away by his handlers when reporters tried to ask him about a letter to the editor he wrote stating, “these same sex marriages would succeed in wiping out an entire society in just one generation?”
a) they wanted to remind him that the Bible teaches modesty for one’s good works
b) he was misquoted…in a letter…uhh, actually, he misquoted himself
c) they don’t feel like they’re earning their pay unless they hustle him out of at least one room a day, and they’ve learned from experience that that room shouldn’t be a kindergarten class full of students
T minus 1) Which of the following is the most ridiculous claim made by Stephen Harper’s Conservative Party?
a) if elected, the Conservatives will cure cancer
b) Stephen Harper has evolved into Mahatma Gandhi
c) if you vote for him, you will be able to have 20 hour long orgasms
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=295&dir=bb
Put Him In The Chair And Let Him Frey!
Okay, so, a guy named James Frey writes a memoir about his criminal activities called A Million Little Pieces and sells a gazillion copies after he appears on Oprah. Good for him. Except his criminal activities weren’t really so criminal; in fact, he was kind of a pussy, really.
He lied in his book of non-fiction, and Oprah stands by him, because it “got at a larger truth.” Well, I can lie with the best of them, and I’m not getting any invitations to be on Oprah. I sold American nuclear secrets to Togo. See? I’m a fantastic liar. Once I was the king of Spain. I love country music. That skirt really looks good on you.
Okay, I’m still working on the larger truth all my lies are supposed to be revealing, but, Oprah, baby, we can work on that together! CALL ME!
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page
http://www.ignoremeatyourperil.com/conspiracy2338.html
It’s A Common Misunderstanding…
Lieutenant General John R. Vines told The New York Times that he would find “purges of competent people to be replaced with ideologues” disturbing. In response, President Bush stated, “The Lieutenant General can talk about Iraq all he wants, but he should leave domestic politics to the White House.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
Walt Kelly Would Be Proud…After He Finished Throwing Up
T-shirt for sale on eBay: over a picture of Tom DeLay are the words: if indicted, I will run; if convicted, I will not serve.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
Your Bad Choices Are My Career Opportunities…
Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. We don’t have to fear Stephen Harper because he’s evolved into a moderate politician. But, even if he hasn’t, we don’t have to fear Stephen Harper because a Liberal-dominated Senate and judiciary will make sure he doesn’t do anything extreme. Except that he’s against “activist” judges – activist, in this case, defined as “judges whose decisions disagree with my politics” – and intends to appoint judges whose biases are close to his own.
Is this a great election campaign, or what?
Meanwhile, the Conservative candidate in the Willowdale riding has been distributing campaign literature in Chinese and Korean that has an anti-gay marriage message not contained in his English campaign literature. “That was a, uhh, translation mistake,” one campaign staffer stated. “It was actually supposed to read: ‘Please have our laundry done by nine o’clock the morning after we bring it in, or we will have to take our business elsewhere.”
No, it doesn’t get much better than this.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles