Thank you, Milagros “Beanfield” Warden, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, when we were young, we misheard people in delis talking about “pickled earrings.” And, we thought, Eww! Why would anybody want to wear those! Sure, people seemed to nibble at each other’s earlobes a lot in the “racy” novels that we never read, but every time we thought the phrase was meant literally, we had to sit in a dark, quiet place until the trembling stopped.
It didn’t occur to us until we were much older that, for all that talk, we never actually saw anybody with pickled earrings dangling from their lobes…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
NBC Caught Between A 30 Rock And A Hard Place
Donald Trump has announced that if he is elected President, he will build a wall around the NBC studios where Saturday Night Live is produced. As he tweeted at four the morning after the latest episode aired:
@realDonaldTrump Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me. Time to retire the boring and unfunny show. Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. If not, promise to bui
@realDonaldTrump Aarrgh! Stupid Twitter character limits!! Keeping me from getting message out!!! Media rigging election!!!!!
Trump insisted that NBC would pay for the wall around the studio. “Oh, my goodness. I guess I will have to find some money for that in the budget,” said an unexpectedly relaxed Bob Greenblatt, Chairman of NBC Entertainment. “I am surprised, though, that Donald – who, let us not forget, has given us many years of high quality entertainment – does not seem to understand how television broadcasts actually work. Signals go over walls, you know.”
Greenblatt went on to say that he wasn’t a big fan of Baldwin when he was on 30 Rock, but that, “Since his recent appearances on SNL, I have a whole new appreciation for his acting abilities!”
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Policy Leads To Stomach Churn
According to Finance Minister Bill Morneau, “job churn” – short term employment and a number of career changes in a person’s life – is here to stay, so Canadian workers better get used to it.
“It doesn’t have to be that bad,” Morneau argued. “I mean, take my example. I started by working my way up the ranks at Morneau Shepell, the largest human resources services organization in Canada. Then, I had to completely switch gears to run for office as a Liberal. Then, I had to switch gears again when I won and was given the portfolio of Finance Minister. And, of course, politics is not a long-term career, so I will have to settle for getting a job at the bank of my choice when I quit or am voted out of office. This is the essence of so-called job churn.”
When it was pointed out that the term means most people will go from working in fast food restaurants to janitorial services to low end retail, Morneau waved a dismissive hand. “Everybody’s details will be different,” he commented, “but the principle is the same!”
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2016/10/23/morneauisless161023]
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His Name Was Actually Twenty Minutes Long
Among Other Things, It Itemized The Nature Of The Violence He Intended To Do To Every Part Of The Reporter’s Anatomy
We Cut It Short Because We Felt Those Six Pages Could Be Used To Better Purpose
Outside Buffalo’s New Era (Same Old Politics) Field, where San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick started his first game against the Bills, t-shirt sales were riding high, exposing ill will towards the player who kneels rather than stands for the national anthem in order to protest police violence against blacks.
One vendor was selling t-shirts that showed Kaepernick in the scope of a rifle. “Naah, I’m not promoting violence,” the vendor, who told us his name was “None of your freaking business! Why? You wanna start something? Oh, bring it, sports journalist! I ain’t afraid of you!” explained. “This is just the way we call attention to the peaceful nature of our men in blue!”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#50298134275]
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And, Was Already Composing His Revenge Tweet After “Loathsome”
Excerpt from MSNBC’s The Last Word…For Now, with Lawrence O’Flannell.
LAWRENCE O’FLANNELL: Donald Trump is a vile, loathsome, nuclear-orange glowing turd of a human being whose every utterance should be ignored by any citizen who has at least one functioning brain cell. Having said that, if he has any hope of winning the presidency, he needs to tone down the awfulness and up the charm. Big time on the charm.
KELLY-ANNE GIVEAWAY: Whoa. Harsh. Given the way you feel about him, why would you give him advice about winning the election?
O’FLANNELL: Aside from the fact that that’s the way election coverage goes these days?
GIVEAWAY: Yes. Aside from that.
O’FLANNELL: I don’t have to worry about him taking my advice. He undoubtedly tuned me out at “vile.”
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/comfortableoflannell.shtml]
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Rigourous (READ: Highly Exclusionary) Criteria Are The Key
Ontario Liberals are claiming that the $200,000 they have spent helping low income families pay their hydro bills has been a great success. The fact that the programme had a budget of $11.9 million doesn’t seem to concern them much.
Where did the bulk of the money go? Consultants and advertising. “You can’t get people to sign up for a programme if they aren’t aware that it exists,” explained Ontario Energy Minister Glenn Thibeault.
But what happens when people sign up for the programme only to find that most of the money has already been spent? “Oh, ahh, I’m a big picture guy – I don’t really focus on implementation,” Thibeault responded. “Maybe you should ask the Premier…”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2016/10/21/509727.html]
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Jews Were Also Responsible For Trump Talking About Grabbing Women’s Unmentionables – We Just Haven’t Figured Out How, Yet…
It should come as no surprise that the man who is strongly suspected of leaking the tape on which Donald Trump is heard boasting of grabbing women’s unmentionables is of Mexican descent: Paul Ryan advisor Dan Senor. Oh, sure, he didn’t wear a sombrero to work, but with a name like that, you have to know that he was angry with The Donald’s position on deporting illegal aliens and building a wall along the Mexican border. Senor Senor is part of the compromised Republican Party filled with undesirables who are actively opposed to Trump’s candidacy, and will stop at nothing to – what? What do you mean, Senor is not Mexican? With a name like Senor, he must – he’s actually…Jewish?
Oooooooh, this just keeps getting better!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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