Thank you, Mika Kicklighter, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, a week-old tuna sandwich caused us to flash back to our childhood (what? – everybody has their Proust moments in their own way!), back to the time when we were playing Red Lobster in the schoolyard. You never played Red Lobster, the corporate-sponsored children’s game? Your deprived childhood is a never-ending source of amusement for us, but that’s a discussion for another time. Children hold hands in two opposing lines. The captain of one side shouts, “Red Lobster, Red Lobster, let [INSERT NAME HERE] be a mobster!” Then, the named person runs directly towards somebody on your line, elbows up, trying to knock them down. Good times.
The specific game we’re reminiscing about was the first time foreign student Degas Yamashita played. He was called first because, being a skinny kid from Japan, nobody thought he would be a good player. Well. He directed a flying kick at Myrtle Bessmeyer’s head, knocking her unconscious. We spent the next two months studying Jackie Chan movies so that we could play in his league!
Who says corporate-sponsored child’s play isn’t educational?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Ship American GDP To China?
When asked why, if elected President, he didn’t plan on cutting spending immediately, Republican candidate Mitt Romney said: “Well, because if you take a trillion dollars, for instance, out of the first year of the federal budget, that would shrink GDP over five per cent.”
Aaaawkwaaaard.
The right-wing response was swift. John Boehner looked more confused – and orange – than usual. Mitch McConnell looked like he wanted to cry. It was left to Rush Limbaugh to remind Romney that “GDP created by government spending isn’t real GDP. Oh, sure, it may look good on paper, but only the private sector generates meaningful GDP. It’s like cholesterol – there’s good cholesterol and there’s bad cholesterol. Government spending is the HDL cholesterol of economics. Private sector spending is like LDL cholesterol. See what I’m saying here? Let the GDP take the hit – then, the private sector can do what it does best!”
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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To Be Fair, Rat Pellets Aren’t The Most Appetizing Dish At The Best Of Times
Excerpt from Surviving Einstein on the Beach for Dummies:
A proper warm-up is the only way to avoid brain cramps while watching the five hour abstract opera. We would recommend watching Koyaanisqatsi at least three times a day for a month before the performance. Some people think that listening to any Phillip Glass composition on CD will be sufficient, but tests on laboratory rats had alarming results: within an hour of the start of Einstein on the Beach male rats tried to gnaw off their own testicles and female rats would only eat after watching six hours of The View.
So, Koyaanisqatsi it is.
FUN FACT: while developing the libretto, Phillip Glass broke out in a rash on his cheeks whenever he attempted to write something that could be considered a plot point.
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=533&dir=bb]
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DETENTION DIARY: Ghost Documentation Protocol
WEEK TWENTY-FIVE
I was sitting in the prison mess hall, “enjoying” something that may once have had a connection, no matter how tenuous, to a cow, when I felt somebody slide in on the bench next to me. Could one of the Arab prisoners have finally loosened up enough to ask for ketchup? I gathered from the guards that they weren’t especially pleased with the food, but I never saw them use any condiments. I would have thought –
“I don’t have much time,” the person next to me said. It was my lawyer. Or, rather, my ex-lawyer. Or, most accurately, I guess, the person who was never my lawyer, but thought he was and fooled the court for a couple of weeks. The law is not my forte.
“I managed to get a look at your file,” he told me.
“Now that you’re not my lawyer?” I asked, almost mustering the energy for disbelief.
“Some day, when you’re free of this place, look me up and we’ll grab a beer and talk about cheap ironies,” the lawyer informed me. “Now, this is what I found: the army believes that you were behind the assassination of a high-ranking Egyptian minister, a gun-running operation in Syria, a car-bombing in Israel, another assassination – this time of a rebel leader in Chechnya – and anti-government riots in Belgium.”
“All that?” I said in wonder.
“That’s just this year,” the lawyer said.
“Where would they get the idea that I was responsible for all of that?”
“Your confessions, mostly.”
“Ah. Yes. Well…that makes sense.”
“It seems, suspicious, though, doesn’t it? That one person was responsible for all of that?”
“Oh, well,” I modestly commented, “you’d be surprised what a man can accomplish when he’s highly motivated –”
“You didn’t do any of that, did you?”
“I must have, mustn’t I?” I argued.
“Why would you say that?”
“I wouldn’t have confessed if I wasn’t guilty…would I?”
The lawyer looked at me for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “You’re going to get a new lawyer,” he told me. “Have her enter a plea of not guilty and challenge the confessions as being coerced.”
“So, I didn’t do what they say I did?”
Before he could answer, a couple of burly guards entered the large room and started to look around.
“Have confidence in your innocence,” the lawyer advised me, and abruptly jumped away from the table and went to speak to the guards.
A couple of days later, I met my new, actual lawyer for the first time. Despite the uniform and her stiff, military demeanour, she looked like she was 12 years old. “I’m Helvetica Shrinkwrap?” she introduced herself. “Like, ohmygod, are these charges bogus or what?”
In the prison where I had been confined, confidence in one’s innocence was hard to come by.
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/06/17/dd-9000025]
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Jesus Hates Black Folk – Discuss
A day without Republican Senator Allen West is like a day without toxic fumes obscuring the life-giving sun.
I was going to use the example of his recent statement that, “Yesterday I asked the President to stay in Washington DC and not use South Florida as a venue to spread his socioeconomic rhetoric…his arrogance led him to not take my advice.” Because, let’s face it, a Congressman trying to be the President’s social secretary really shouldn’t be calling anybody else out on arrogance. But, then I came across this quote from four months ago, and felt nothing could compare to its self-hating loopiness.
Which just goes to prove that time-tested nugget of wisdom: a great political speech is a joy to behold, but crazy lasts forever.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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It Was A Matter Of Fairness, Really – We Stonewalled An Investigation Fair And Square Until It Was Too Late To Act
The York Police Services Board has blocked charges from being laid against Mark Charlebois. You remember Charlebois – he was the officer who tried to illegally search a G20 protestor, who, when challenged, said, “This ain’t Canada right now.”
It still ain’t.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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“The Acting Is Still Cringeworthy!” Prime Minister Adds
The remake/sequel/continuation (choose one) of the soap/satire/stupefying (choose all) TV Series Dallas hasn’t started airing and it has already attracted critics.
“This is just another thinly veiled attack on Alberta’s oil sands,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “I don’t know exactly how Thomas Mulcair is involved, but I can smell socialist subversion all over it!”
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It Is A Well Documented Historical Fact That Martin Luther King Chewed The SHIT Out Of Gum
As a counterpoint to celebrations of The War of 1812 (aka: The War Where We Kicked America’s Ass So Who’s The International Lightweight Now, Hunh?), I thought I would visit the Canadian Peace Museum. It is contained in a single room in the back of a Ferkin and Fussbudget on King Street. The collection in the museum includes: a blue UN peacekeeping helmet, a used loincloth believed to have been worn by Gandhi and a Universal Declaration of Human Rights stained with ketchup. At least, I hope it was ketchup.
The Peace Museum had gotten $12.95 of funding from the federal government, which it used to buy a stick of gum that had purportedly been chewed by Martin Luther King a week and a half before he was shot (the provenance of such things can be devilishly difficult to establish).
The whole Peace Museum thing was depressing, so I decided to go celebrate the War of 1812 with everybody else.
SOURCE: Martini’s Up Canada! Blog
[http:martini.upcanada.blogspeck.com]
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