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The Daily Me Staff
Top Nine Reasons the US is Pissed the Philippine Government is Withdrawing its Troops From Iraq:
9. Their withdrawal will send a comforting message to terrorists (as opposed to their ongoing presence, which gives terrorists both a reason for their actions and a target).
8. The Philippine soldiers make better frou-frou drinks than the Mongolians.
7. Nobody’s left to cut the grass.
6. If they had stayed three more weeks, we could have gotten our deposit on them back.
5. Norway – which only has 10 troops in the region – can still kick America’s ass at soccer!
4. The twins can only do so much to distract Americans from bad news!
3. The bastards at the United Nations are sooooooo smug…
2. The troops from Tonga have nobody left to pick on.
1. We didn’t think of it first.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Toronto Mayor David Miller is considering his options after a cartoon in The Toronto Sun compared him to Adolph Hitler.
One person who is not taking the cartoon lying down is Hitler himself. On a direct line from Hades, he explained: “I invaded other countries in an attempt to rule the world – over10 million people died in the war that followed. I was responsible for the deaths of six million Jews in an attempt to wipe the entire religion off the face of the earth. I was bad. This David Miller – what did he do? Stop a vote on an issue that wasn’t even in City Council’s jurisdiction? This sort of cartoon is an insult to dictators everywhere!” Hitler said he was considering suing the newspaper for libel – “There are certainly enough lawyers down here!” – if it doesn’t apologize to him.
Benito Mussolini and Caligula offered to be character witnesses. “If we don’t take a stand against the trivialization of evil here,” Caligula explained, “some day, all our efforts may mean nothing to people.”
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
There are some things you can postpone in life. A trip to the dentist’s office. Buying that cute little purse. Telling your sexual partner how you got the genital warts. Then, there are the things you can’t postpone.
Like elections.
Listen up, fascist asshole. Third world dictators put off elections. Democratic leaders know they have to hold elections even in times of war, terrorism or The Contender. You don’t like it, go take over Bolivia.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
You thought you loved each other. You were wrong. You tied the knot, now you want to cut it – with extreme prejudice. But, since gays and lesbians have only started getting married, bad divorces are (ahem) virgin territory for you. In the spirit of hostility and confusion which accompanies most divorces, we would like to offer the following tips on how to make your divorce truly excruciating for all parties:
- One of you must have sex with the other’s best friend, preferably in a way that guarantees you will be caught, then live with the other person until the divorce is finalized.
- Argue endlessly over who should get the Joni Mitchell CDs.
- Blame your partner for your emotional instability, even if it’s been part of who you are since before you were born, and, in fact, was one of the reasons your partner was attracted to you in the first place.
- Constantly complain that the sex was so bad, you were seriously thinking of turning straight.
- Blame your partner’s family for never accepting you and doing everything they could to destroy the marriage.
- “Accidentally” tape over your partner’s favourite episode of Queer As Folk.
Nobody can guarantee you a bad divorce, of course, but if you follow these simple rules, it should make having a bad divorce much easier, and isn’t that what love’s all about?
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
Urban Equipment of Canada is proposing to put 2,500 new trash bins in Toronto. They are seven feet tall and will contain advertising on both sides. “They’re a little thin, but one could get used to living in them” said urban street living expert T. Herbert Frump. “You’d have to remove the actual bins, of course, and you might have to learn to live with garbage being dumped on your head. On the other hand, you could earn money from the recyclables dumped on you, and how many homed people have that luxury?”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
The Truth Shall Set You France…
With official reports from the United States and Britain showing conclusively that Iraq never had weapons of mass destruction or ties to Al Qaeda and 9/11, it should now be apparent that France was right not to join America’s war of choice. Will “freedom fighters” now be known as “France fighters?” Will “freedom of association” be changed to “France of association?” Instead if “Free to be me,” will we have to call the anti-drug campaign “France to be me?”
The mind truly boggles.
President Bush, defending the war, said that the problem was an intelligence failure, and that before the war everybody believed Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Except UN weapons inspector Hans Blix. And, not including international nuclear arms inspectors. Oh, and, of course, not the hundreds of thousands of civilians who protested against the war before it started, or the billions of people represented by countries that declined to participate. So, “everyone” in this instance means “members of my cabinet and the pundits in the media echo chamber.”
Remember when being creative with the English language was the primary activity of writers, not politicians? Right – neither can I.
Case in point: at least eight of the 19 September 11 hijackers moved through Iran without getting their passports stamped, making it more difficult to trace their movement. However, according to acting CIA Director John McLaughlin, there will be no military action against Iran because “we have no evidence that there is some sort of official connection between Iran and 9/11.” As if that stopped the US before…
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered