Thank you, Miguel Balintsnikov, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we scoffed at the idea that Iraqis are in the midst of a civil war. Then, we cleared that last bit of stoat hotpot out of our throats and we politely mocked the idea. Civil war? You want a civil war? When Misses Belvedere in 3B goes at it with her hubby, well, you know nobody in the neighbourhood is gonna sleep for days! Suck it up, Iraq, or we’ll send Misses Belvedere over there to show you what civil war is really like!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Don’t Bother Looking It Up in Wikipedia
In a move that has taken everybody by surprise, the Conservative government has introduced a motion recognizing fans of The Colbert Report as “a separate nation within a united Canada viewership.”
“This is just a formal recognition of what most Canadians already believe,” said June Paganicci, a huge fan of the American television show: “Colbert Nation is a distinct culture.” To prove her point, Paganicci proudly held up a Colbert Nation t-shirt.
“I’m not sure about the truthiness of the ‘within a united Canada viewership’ part of the motion,” Paganicci added, “but that’s always open to negotiation, isn’t it?”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Negotiating The English Language Is Always Hard
Matt Lauer of The Today Show has declared the kerfuffle in Iraq a “civil war.” In response, White House Press Wrangler Tony Snow claimed that the United States had copyrighted the phrase “civil war” and that no other country could use it without their express written permission.
When asked if the United States would allow Iraq to use the phrase “civil war” in describing the massacres, retribution killings, kidnapping, torture and other pleasantries between Shiites and Sunnis (with an occasional Kurd thrown in to give the recipe a certain zest) that has left 3,000 Iraqis dead in the past month alone, Snow said, “It depends on what they’re offering us in return. Right now, it’s a black eye in the international community, so the answer would be no. Tomorrow, well, if they really want to use the term, I’m sure they’ll find a way to make it worth our while.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49381-2006Nov27.html]
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Great Moments In Pun-ditry
Reeling from such critically lambasted films as Troy and Poseiden, director Wolfgang Peterson has gone back to his roots to make a film about the life and death struggle of German submarines to deliver ice cream to the Homeland.
The movie, Haagen-Dazs Boot, is schedded for a summer, 2008 release.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2006/2006/11/23/tastesbetterattwelvefathoms/]
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Is That A Dig? You Couch It In Terms Of Academic Intellectualosity, But It’s Still A Dig, Isn’t It?
Idiotologue (noun): person who continues to believe in a political policy long after a reasonably intelligent person would have abandoned it. EXAMPLE: “At this point, only an idiotologue would claim that the war in Iraq was a good thing.”
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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What President Bush Is Doing Might Better Be Described As Bare Knuckled Arm Twisting
MONDAY: If you’re too clever by half, does that make you one clever?
TUESDAY: According to my newspaper, President Bush just began four days of possibly last gasp diplomacy to try and get help for his failing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Last gasp diplomacy? Doesn’t that imply previous gasp diplomacy? If diplomacy is, in fact, what he is doing, shouldn’t it be described as first gasp?
WEDNESDAY: According to a recent survey, 57% of Canadians believe that turning 60 makes them “middle aged.” “Hey, where’s the disco” has become the new “Hey, where’s my dentures?”
THURSDAY: The same survey says that 20% of Canadians would consider cosmetic surgery when they are older. Older? Older than what? You’re already 60! Do it now! Please!
FRIDAY: I finally figured out that “profit-taking” is just a euphemism for “frantically selling off everything you have in the stock market in the hopes that you’ll be able to salvage some of your investment before the whole thing tanks.” Could business journalists please keep using the term for a little while – I’d hate to find that you’ve switched to a different euphemism now that I finally get this one!
SATURDAY: The trailers for the movie The Pursuit of Happyness have filled me with so much positive uplift, I’m afraid to see the whole thing for fear that the uplift overdose will cause my spleen to explode.
SUNDAY: Do you think that characters in Sim Golf or Sim Copter know that they’re children of a lesser god game?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Sometimes Less Really Is Less
Film adaptation of a TV series: less clothes, more swearing.
TV adaptation of a film: less violence, more dialogue.
Film adaptation of a novel: less scenes, more schmaltz.
Novel adaptation of a film: less pretty pictures, more plot. So much more plot…!
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=471&dir=bb]
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Anxiety Over Medical Bills: Priceless
anti-cholesterol drug: $200/three months ($800/year)
glasses: $500
crown for exploded tooth: $750; crown and cleanings: $1,200
Being healthy is expensive. I don’t recommend it.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Where Is John LeCarre When You Need Him?
No birth certificate can be found for a man who claims to be a Toronto native but who is accused by the government of being a spy. An Ontario bureaucrat who had been asked to look for the man’s record of birth testified at his trial that, “He doesn’t exist.”
Is it possible, in this age of casual surveillance and infoglut, that we have finally found the man who wasn’t there, the man that was so famously met on the stair?
“Naah,” the man who claims to be Paul William Hampel, stated. “I don’t like the stairs – I prefer taking the elevator. You may be thinking of my great uncle Raoul – he wasn’t all there for so long that he might as well have not been there!”
The trial continues again today. I wish, I wish it’d go away.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061125.eladvote1125_@/BNStory/specialOdeToHughesMearns2006/]
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