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Let He Who Has Not Stolen a Stone Cast the First Ballot
The Canadian Family Action Coalition is demanding that Bill C-250, which bans discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, be withdrawn from Parliament because one of its strongest supporters, MP Svend Robinson, admitted to stealing a diamond ring on an impulse. Following this logic, the CFAC is expected to oppose legislation defining marriage in strict terms because some Members of Parliament are adulterers. Where they’ll go from there is anybody’s guess.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Partial transcript of the meeting between Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin and his holiness the Dalai Lama.
Paul Martin: Welcome to Canada, your holiness.
Dalai Lama: You have a beautiful country, Mister Prime Minister. It reminds me of Tibet before –
Paul Martin: [coughs].
Dalai Lama: Before China took –
Paul Martin: [coughs louder].
Dalai Lama: Are you all right, Mister Prime Minister?
Paul Martin: Politics. It gets in my throat sometimes.
Dalai Lama: I know exactly what you mean. I try to explain to China that Tibetans would settle for less than full autonomy if we could just –
Paul Martin: Have you tried our maple syrup?
Dalai Lama: Maple syrup?
Paul Martin: It’s, uhh, great on pancakes.
Dalai Lama: You…don’t want to hear about the Chinese occupation of Tibet, do you?
Paul Martin: You know how it is. Trade. You have to think of your people, I have to think of mine.
LONG PAUSE
Dalai Lama: Where can I get some of this…maple syrup?
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-Rama
Ken, once married to Barbie, the living doll, has been seen in after hours disco bars with GI Joe. “I seen ’em smooching,” one person, who refused to be identified even though he has a distinctive potato-like body, remarked. “It was disgusting.” Could Ken be gay? Why do you think after 40 years he and Barbie didn’t have any children?
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
Friends Don’t Let Friends Abuse Science
The Prime Minister’s Office has been mum on whether he will be discussing the controversial American plan to ignore gravity when Prime Minister Paul Martin and US President George W. Bush meet next week. He has, of course, a difficult decision: to make it look like he has agreed to the American plan because it would give an economic boost to the Canadian economy, or to make it look like he has agreed to the American plan because it actually makes sense. On that last score, physicist Edmund Bowrigger remarked, “Gee, I didn’t realize that scientific principles could be decided by political consensus.” That sort of naivete is exactly why scientists aren’t encouraged to run for public office…
SOURCE: The Toronto Startle
But, Which One Is The Dummy – Or Is That a Trick Question?
President George W. Bush finally appears before a closed session of the 9/11 investigation committee, trailing putative Vice President Dick Cheney. “Oh, we absolutely, positively had to testify together,” Cheney commented before the session. “If we hadn’t, the strings would have been cut the moment they closed the door.”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press.
If Only Stateside Artists Were So Committed…
CBBS News has just released photographs of hooded Iraqi men in an American prison in Baghdad to whom wires had been attached. “This was not a case of torture,” claimed American Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice. “This was a case of performance art.” The officers in charge of the men have been relieved of duty and are facing court martial. Who knew senior military brass were such astute art critics?
SOURCE: CBBS News.
It Gives the Phrase “Pass the Fruit” a Whole New Meaning
Critics of Loblaw’s move to buy Maple Leaf Gardens and turn it into a huge grocery store are misplaced. I can already imagine standing in the frozen foods section on the exact spot where Bill Barilko scored his Cup winning goal in overtime. Or, what about finding yourself in a piece of history between the blue lines where Borje Salming was mauled by the Philadelphia Flyers as you rush up and down the toiletries aisle? Let’s face it: Loblaw Co’s Ltd. is no longer selling mere groceries: they’re selling the sports dream at grocery prices.
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
Zen Koan #237: When Does Building Bridges Destroy Bridges?
Toronto Port Authority Chair Henry Pankratz announces he will go ahead and build a bridge to the Island airport, something the rest of us thought had been abandoned months ago. “Henry has trouble letting go,” his therapist claimed, “but we’re experimenting with different meds, and we’re sure it’s only a matter of time before he’s better.”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Unions Responsible for Air Canada Impasse
Air Canada’s efforts to come out of bankruptcy protection and become a viable business once more took a severe blow when unions refused to agree to change the nature of their pension plans. “The airline cannot work without this change,” billionaire investor Victor Li explained. “Shame on the unions. Shame on them.”
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Management Responsible for Air Canada Impasse
Air Canada’s efforts to come out of bankruptcy protection and become a viable business once more took a severe blow when management demanded outrageous changes in the nature of union pension plans. “The airline cannot demand this change,” Union steward Migeulito Weasely explained. “Shame on Victor Li. Shame on him.”
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
Aliens Responsible for Air Canada Impasse
Air Canada’s efforts to come out of bankruptcy protection and become a viable business once more took a severe blow when aliens demanded that workers and management submit to invasive bodily probes and carry alien children. “Ingeborg telvquist animana hoo haa,” one of the aliens explained. “Klaatu indefatig stromph aquilar. Klaatu berada niktu.”
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
Being on it can give you the highest highs, but, over time, the effect wears off, and the lows can be emotionally devastating. These lows are frequently accompanied by uncontrollable anger and bouts of paranoia. Am I talking about crack cocaine? Worse. Nortel stock. Can anything be done about its pushers?
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte