Thank you, Marcu7s Schowertoy, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you hear about the woman who gave birth to octuplets? Octuplets! That’s eight babies! Talk about a poster child for birth control! Our legs are clenched just thinking about it!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Undersea Chic
What was the most surprising part of the inauguration? Michelle Obama wearing a diamond encrusted Spongebob Squarepants pendant.
The designer, Mister Squidward of Bikini Bottom, said he was delighted that his creation was given the international spotlight by being worn by such a major public figure on such a prestigious occa – SPONGEBOB, WOULD YOU PLEEEEEAAAAASE STOP DOING THAT! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M DOING AN IMPORTANT INTERVIEW HERE?! Sorry about that…shocking display of inexcusable behaviour. Where was I…?
SOURCE: Fashion Crimes TV
[http://www.fctv.com/home/default.asp]
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Times Are So Tough, Newspapers Can’t Afford To Give Layoffs Their Own Headlines Any More
“A BAD DAY AT THE OFFICE FOR NEARLY 60,000 WORKERS
8,000 Drug maker Pfizer
7,000 ING bank
20,000 Caterpillar
8,000 Sprint Nextel
6,000 Philips Electric
7,000 Home Depot
Axe falls across the U.S., Europe”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1346533078]
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Only 17 Books Left To Be Published…
At the age of 76, author John Updike has been laid to rest. Rabbit has company.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Some Reputations Are Easier To Rehabilitate Than Others
7am. ABC. Good Morning America. Former Russian leader Joseph Stalin defends his policy of forced collectivization, which is believed to have been responsible for 20 to 40 million deaths, and shares his secret recipe for pan-fried blini.
11am. ABC. The View. Former Russian leader Joseph Stalin defends his policy of forced collectivization, which is believed to have been responsible for 20 to 40 million deaths, and shares jokes about Democrats with Elisabeth Hasselback while Whoopi Goldberg glowers at them.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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White House Whiplash
AFRICAN WOMAN 1: Did you hear? The clinic is handing out contraception and literature on abortion!
AFRICAN WOMAN 2: Humph! Must be a Democrat in the White House.
AFRICAN WOMAN 1: To celebrate, I feel like getting raped just so I can abort the baby.
AFRICAN WOMAN 2: I wouldn’t.
AFRICAN WOMAN 1: Why not?
AFRICAN WOMAN 2: You never know when the Republicans will regain the White House!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227179]
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Just Grimace And Say Cheese
In order to rein in voyeuristic, unauthorized photographs, a New York Congressman has introduced a bill that would require cellphones to be manufactured with a special sound every time they take a photograph. This would alert people in the area that they might be being photographed.
The proposed sound would be an elderly woman shrieking, “Are you doing something naughty? Hunh? Are you? You naughty, naughty boy!” However, Republican Peter King has claimed that he is open to a reasonable compromise: the sound of the slamming shut of a jail cell door followed by a gruff voice saying, “You like to dance?”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/090126/geeklynews/01helena.htm]
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Chatter Clogs Blagosphere
We’re Just Not That Into You
John Cullerton
University of Chicago Press
173 pages, $100,000
Governor Rod Blagojevich defends himself at his impeachment hearings, claiming there is no evidence of wrongdoing, the wiretaps were innocent and what he said was taken out of context, there’s a vendetta against him because he tried to help the people of his state, quoting British poets and hallucinating that he is the hero of an old-fashioned Western movie. The Speaker of the Illinois Senate responds by saying he will be impeached anyway.
We’re Just Not That Into You is a tale of modern mores disguised as a political novel. Or, perhaps, a political novel in the form of a tale of modern mores. Either way, it’s not very entertaining, but at least it’s short.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.71/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Sharia And Sharia Alike
American Muslimization Watch
Okay. Barack Obama has been president for a week, and the United States hasn’t been declared a Muslim state. Yet. That doesn’t mean it’s not gonna happen, people. These things – you know – they just take their time to work their way through Congress. I’ll bet Obama, Pelosi and Reid are in secret talks even as you read this to have Muslim values enshrined in the Constitution…or some new document that will replace the Constitution. Oh, yeah. It’s only a matter of time before all Americans are wearing head scarfs and eating kebobs! And, it’ll be our own fault for seeing it coming and not doing anything! Don’t say you weren’t warned!
SOURCE: Red State Blues
[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/jerry_in_geo/2009/jan/28/where-is-the-jihad-we-were-promised/]
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Conservatives Have No Need For Stimulants – They Already Inhabit Their Own Reality
The Conservative budget will create a large deficit, perhaps totaling $60 billion over two years, in order to spend money on a variety of projects targeted at key constituencies necessary to win a majority in the next federal election.
In response, senior Liberal Bob Rae said: “We should sue for copyright infringement!”
On a more serious note, (we know he was serious because his eyebrows came together menacingly), Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff roared: “We will use ALL OF THE WEAPONS AT OUR PARTY’S DISPOSAL to FORCEFULLY approve of this budget. But, I’M PUTTING THE CONSERVATIVE GOVERNMENT ON NOTICE that WE’LL BE WATCHING THEM. WATCHING THEM VERY CLOSELY!”
Meanwhile, Conservatives are livid at the size of government’s projected deficit. Trying to calm their fears, Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated: “Look. Almost half the stimulus package is tax cuts, which, as we all know, are not effective in actually stimulating productive spending. Only a quarter of the money is going to infrastructure, and that comes with so many strings you’d have to be Geppetto to get any of it! There’s very little to improve EI and next to nothing for the environment, and the rest goes to a grab-bag of interests, mostly private. This stimulus package is guaranteed not to stimulate the Canadian economy – could it get any more Conservative than that?”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090124.eladvote0124_@/BNStory/newsCatastrophe2009/]
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Michael Hayden Pulls A Sterling Hayden
Outgoing CIA Director Michael Hayden is going around town telling folks he has
warned President-elect Barack Obama “personally and forcefully” that if Obama
authorizes an investigation into controversial activities like waterboarding,
“no one in Langley will ever take a risk again.”
Obama is rumoured to have privately responded, “Can I get that in writing?”
SOURCE: Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Jan16.html]
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