Thank you, Manly Wade Wellman, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, farts inexplicably became popular on YouTube. Videos of cats farting. Videos of babies farting. A video of somebody farting at a snooker tournament. And, we thought: Finally! Validation!
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The Daily Me Staff
Jian In Sixty Seconds
Popular CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi is suing his former employer for wrongful dismissal, alleging that his firing had to do with a moral judgment about his personal life. In a rambling blog post defending his enjoyment of “rough sex,” Ghomeshi said his sexuality was like something depicted in the novel 50 Shades of Grey.
“Don’t look at me,” said Christian Grey at a hastily convened press conference. “I’ve got nothing to do with this creep!”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Make Sure Your Towels Don’t Have Lesions Or A Wracking Cough And You’ll Be Fine
“You might get AIDS in Kenya. The people have AIDS. You got to be careful – I mean, the towels could have AIDS.”
– Pat Robertson
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Fashionable Rugs?
What are all the fashionable rug rats wearing this Halloween? Hazmat suits! True, they’re bulky and difficult to move around in. Still, children love them because they can trick households that give out lame treats without fear of their identity being discovered. Adults love them because the canary yellow costumes would make anybody stand out on the street after dark, minimizing the possibility of their children getting run over by adult drivers who are celebrating the holiday in their own special way.
The best part? Thanks to downsizing of government agencies, you should be able to get Hazmat suits at bargain basement prices!
SOURCE: Fashion Crimes TV
[http://www.fctv.com/home/default.asp]
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It Can’t Be Any More Horrific Than Current Methods
Virgin Galactic’s experimental commercial spaceflight vehicle crashed after experiencing an “in-flight anomaly” during a test flight on Friday. One of the pilots of the ship has died and the other has serious injuries.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is rumoured to be considering sending convicted murderers on the next Virgin Galactic flight for execution.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1184H3EC-2C185-70K8-AAA8502614B711181]
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STEP 13: Privately Gloat And Publicly Talk About How Well The System Works
How to Create Bad legislation in 12 Easy Steps
STEP 1: Respond with knee jerk emotion to a national crisis.
STEP 2: Subtly shape the response over the next couple of weeks for maximum approval of your base.
STEP 3: Write legislation that panders to the perceptions of your base that you have been cultivating.
STEP 4: Insert the legislation into a 1,000 page bill that has nothing to do with the issue.
STEP 5: Invoke closure in Parliament so that legislators have only three days to study the 1,000 page bill before they have to vote on it (from your own party as much as the opposition – no point giving them the temptation to cause mischief…)
STEP 6: Use your majority in Parliament to pass the legislation.
STEP 7: Have the party’s noise machine accuse anybody who opposes the legislation of threatening national security or being soft on crime or being too partisan – or, on a good day, all three
STEP 8: When the bill gets to the Senate, accept minor modifications that don’t challenge the essence of what you are trying to accomplish.
STEP 9: Have the party’s noise machine repeat that the minor modifications to the bill in the Senate are actually major changes that show how seriously you take your critics.
STEP 10: Invoke closure in the Senate so that Senators only have two days to study the now 1,1000 page bill before they have to vote on it.
STEP 11: Use your majority in the Senate to pass the legislation.
STEP 12: Wait for the legal challenges…and the next national crisis.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=804&dir=bb]
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We Have Nothing To Fear But Fear Of Run On Sentences Itself
The Harper Government of Canada has rejected the idea that the definition of “terrorism” has drifted.
“There is no question that questioning government policy on keeping Canadians safe from terrorism gives comfort to terrorists, which is the very essence of terrorism,” said the Prime Minister. “I know that questions about the wisdom of the government’s policies certainly terrorize me!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20141102.eladvote1102_@/BNStory/newswisemensaypunditsrushin2014/]
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Planet Celebrity: Not A Pleasant Place To Visit, Yet So Many People Want To Live There
Hey, Biz Whiz:
To prove that there was nothing abnormal or otherwise wrong with my sexuality, I showed a video I took of my bedroom activities to my employers. For some reason, they freaked out and fired me. Did I do something wrong?
The Biz Whiz:
Showing videos of your sexual life to your bosses is perfectly natural – if you are at an orgy or if you are auditioning for a porn film. If you’re in a boardroom, especially with large framed portraits of former corporate leaders looking down on you, not so much.
Context is everything.
It sounds to me like you live on Planet Celebrity. There’s something about the air on Planet Celebrity that makes ordinary people think that laws and social norms do not apply to them. Somebody who didn’t live on Planet Celebrity would instinctively know that showing porn films – homemade or otherwise – to his (and, it’s almost always a him) bosses was a bad idea. The workplace self-preservation instinct would kick in. On Planet Celebrity, you believe that nothing bad can happen to you, and suddenly this seems like a reasonable course of action.
The good news is that you can book a rocket back from Planet Celebrity to Planet Earth, the place where most of the rest of us live. The bad news is that you may have to spend some time on Asteroid Jail first…
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=42322641319641014686fx]
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And, Yes, One Could Detect The Beginnings Of A Tear In Their Corporate Eye
The Washington Redskins have sued five native Americans for objecting to the football team’s name.
“They…they hurt our feelings,” said the team. “Football may be a brutal sport that causes permanent injury to its best players, but teams as a whole are very sensitive. We bruise easily. That, sadly, is when lawyers get involved.”
The Pittsburgh Steelers tittered openly at this statement.
“Oh, you think you’re so butch!” the Redskins hotly responded. “But, I know you. You get all teary-eyed when somebody reminds you that the economic activity your name celebrates has largely moved to other countries. Maybe you should be called the Beijing Steelers!”
“Bitch!” the Steelers muttered under their breath.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#54238035668]
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