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The Daily Me – Magrat “Came and” Wente

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Thank you, Magrat “Came and” Wente, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Cathy Bates channelled her inner Andy Griffith for a reboot of Matlock. We guess it’s true what they say: everything old is weird again.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

PROTESTER: (shrugs) What Can I Tell You? It’s A Gift…

INDIGO: We do not help young Jews go to Israel to join the IDF, opening them up to fighting in Gaza. We help young Jews go to Israel to get a university degree.

PROTESTER: To get into an Israeli university, you must join the IDF, opening yourself up to fighting in Gaza.

INDIGO: That’s antisemitic. And anyway, we don’t fund the young Jews going to Israel to get a university degree; we just reimburse them when they get back to Canada.

PROTESTER: Have you never bought anything on credit?

INDIGO: That was really antisemitic. Congratulations – you’re going to hell!

PROTESTER: Jews don’t believe in hell.

INDIGO: You just can’t stop with the hate, can you?

SOURCE: Economics For Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=623&dir=bb]
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To Be Fair, Nobody Loves You As Much As You Do

FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: You know what? The left needs to tone down the angry rhetoric – stuff like that could get somebody killed. And, when I say somebody, I mean me!

CNN JOURNALIST KAITLAN COLLINS: Can you give me an example of what you mean when you talk about the left’s angry rhetoric?

TRUMP: Sure. I could give you lots of examples. For instance, the left says that if reelected, I’m going to be a dictator. How dare they say that‽

COLLINS: Because you told an interviewer that you would be a dictator on day one?

TRUMP: Come on! Nobody took that seriously! (pause) What about blaming me for the bomb threats that shut down schools in Springfield, West Carolina? That’s a nasty thing to say. That could make people mad enough at me to try and kill me.

COLLINS: Except you were the primary person arguing that undocumented Haitians were slaughtering and eating household pets, even though you had been told by city officials that it wasn’t true. Then, when confronted with evidence that it wasn’t true, you doubled down on the allegations.

TRUMP: Henh. Never give up, never surrender – I learned that from Star Trek. (takes a moment to get serious) But I mean, really. The left is telling everybody that I’m responsible for the women who are dying because they can’t get abortions. Why would they say something so disgusting?

COLLINS: Because you put three anti-choice judges on the Supreme Court specifically to overturn Roe v Wade. You boasted that you were responsible for overturning the law. I’m sorry, Mister President, but it seems to me that what you’re characterizing as hate directed towards you is just the left quoting you.

TRUMP: When they say it, they make it sound so ugly, though. They obviously don’t love me as much as I do!

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/news/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1871049800262060.xml]
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Have You Tried Making Fun Of Kim Jong Un’s Hair?

Thousands of pagers in Lebanon exploded in a move widely understood to be an Israeli attack on members of the terrorist group Hezbollah. “We did not see that one coming! Well played, Zionist entity!” the Lebanese government stated in a press release. “Of course, we will have to respond to this attack on our sovereignty, but we will do so at a time and place of our choosing.”

“What is this ‘time and place of our choosing’ bullshit?” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu muttered under his breath. “Why don’t you come and fight like men, you pussies!”

The next day, Israel launched an aerial attack on Beirut that killed Hezbollah leader Ibraham Akil…as well as 13 other people, and injured dozens more. “You’ve go to admire the Zionist entity’s chutzpah. Honestly: so soon after the exploding pagers? Wow. Just…wow,” read another Lebanese government press statement. “Of course, we will have to respond to this attack on our sovereignty, but we will do so at a time and place of our choosing.”

“Ngggggyaah!” Prime Minister Netanyahu snarled as he stamped his feet and pounded the desk with his fists. “What does a country have to do to start a world war, here?”

SOURCE: The Baghdad Post

[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2024Sep19.html]
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Propaganda 101 TF!

CALL TO ACTIVISM
@Callto Activism

BASH: Can you say now that immigrants eating dogs and cats is a rumor that has no basis in evidence?

JD VANCE: “If I have to create stories so that the media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do.

WTF!!!

SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site

[http://endingtrending.blurgh/sob-story/]
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Trying To Game The Tax Code? They’re Such Rebels!

Rebel News is claiming that the federal government is violating its freedom of expression. Has the government arrested any of its reporters? Well, no. Has the government raided its offices and made off with all of the computers its journalists work on? Un uh – not that, either. Has the government labelled Rebel News a terrorist organization, driving its journalists into hiding for fear they will be sent to a gulag? Hardly? Why does Rebel News make this claim?

The government refuses to give Rebel News a tax break intended to support journalistic organizations whose profits have been hurt by online content aggregators on the flimsy grounds that only approximately one per cent of what appears on its site is, in fact, news.

“But we could really use the money!” founder Ezra Levant complained, but not especially forcefully; even he seemed embarrassed by his argument.

SOURCE: Wryerson X University Corporate Named University Journalism Review

[http://www.cnu.ca/cnurj/online/-carolina-joyce1.html]
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Would You Care For A Little Grey Pooped On?

Cars, driveways and recycling bins on a stretch of Eaton Street were blanketed in a thin grey-white layer of dust. Residents believe it may have blown in from the construction site of the Pape Station on the Ontario Line of the subway.

But really, the dust was the ashes of the dream of a rationally designed transit system.

SOURCE: NOW and THEN

[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=482574]
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I Was Going To Remind You That We Live In A Post-literate World, But These Were Based On Oral Stories, And They’re Not Going Away Any Time Soon, So…

“The Little Boy Who Cried Antisemitism”
in The Complete Works of Aesop Schvartzman
by Aesop Schvartzman
Public Domain Press
$37.95

Everybody knows how this story ends – do you really need me to spell it out for you?

SOURCE: Unread Book News

[http://217.204.45.22/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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