Thank you, Madeleine Maraccas, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, it was reported that traffic on PornHub – “The ultimate online destination for the discriminating masturbater” – dropped 10% during the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Given the enthusiasm with which its customers use the site, that is, indeed, a coyote running off a cliff-like decline.
Inspired by this fact, the Ford government is considering replacing the sex ed curriculum in Ontario grade schools with mandatory viewings of the royal wedding. NOTE: We said mandatory (although, we think you can see where we’re going with this). The government may want to reconsider its position: after all, they don’t call it “royalty porn” for nothing!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Would Have Used A Star Trek Comparison, But References To Khan Would Probably Have Been Labelled Insensitive
Explaining why he didn’t need to be briefed before his upcoming meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, President Donald Trump stated that, “It’s about attitude. It’s about willingness to get things done.”
So. President Trump is in his fighter, making his run on the Death Star. He turns off his navigational system because he trusts his attitude. His fighter immediately crashes into the Death Star, which goes on to crush the rebellion.
Long live the Empire!
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Be The 2,376th Person To Compare Fox Viewers To Zombies, But The Context Made It Inevitable
Frank, of Frank’s Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page, wants people to believe that the zombie alert put out by the Florida city of Lake Worth wasn’t, as officials have argued, a leftover from a hacker attack on the city’s infrastructure several months ago. No, he wants you to believe that it was a real zombie outbreak that the city was trying to cover up.
Really, Frank? Because, if the zombie apocalypse had really started, don’t you think we would see more desecrated cemeteries and corpses rotting in the streets? Unless…the owners of the lamestream media are zombies, and they’re using their positions to keep the truth from the American people. That’s exactly what evil bastards would do! Evil bastards!
Consider yourself on notice, Rupert Murdoch! I know who you really are, you undead, flesh-eating freak! And now my 37 followers know, too! The truth is out there! The truth is out there!
SOURCE: Gerald’s Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoregeraldatyourperil.com/conspiracy2299.html]
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Acid-washed Emails From An Acid-washed Mind
“If I were to advise to follow Hillary Clinton’s lead: Delete all your emails and then acid-wash the emails on the hard drives and your phones, then take your phones and bash them with a hammer to little itsy bitsy pieces, use BleachBit, remove the SIM cards, and then take the pieces and hand them over to Robert Mueller and say: ‘Hillary Rodham Clinton, this is equal justice under the law.'”
– Fox legal mastermind Sean Hannity
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Phone Call Transcript To Be Featured In Martin Scorcese’s Next Film
ANCHOR: Minutes after the Regressive Conservatives won the Ontario election, American President Donald Trump phoned Premier-elect Doug Ford to congratulate him on his victory. Here for you now is exclusive audio of the conversation.
DONALD TRUMP: Is this [BLEEP]ing Doug?
DOUG FORD: Yeah. You [BLEEP]ing Donald?
TRUMP: Who the [BLEEP] else would I be? Never mind that. So, [BLEEP]ing congratulations, already!
FORD: [BLEEP]ing thank you. Coming from you, that means a [BLEEP]ing lot…of nothing.
Anchor rolls his eyes.
TRUMP: You [BLEEP]ing won! That’s [BLEEP]ing awesome!
FORD: [BLEEP]ing A it’s [BLEEP]ing awesome!
Anchor sighs heavily.
TRUMP: What’s your economic plan?
Tense silence for several seconds. Anchor awaits the answer expectantly. Then, the two men break out in laughter.
FORD: Ha ha ha! [BLEEP]ing economic plan!
TRUMP: Haw! I really [BLEEP]ing had you [BLEEP]ing going there for a second, didn’t I?
FORD: I got your [BLEEP]ing economic plan right here, pal!
TRUMP: Oooh, don’t let [BLEEP]ing Access Hollywood get a tape of you [BLEEP]ing saying that!
Anchor hits his forehead with his palm.
FORD: I meant my [BLEEP]ing gut! I always go with my gut.
Several seconds of embarrassed silence. Then, the two men burst out laughing again.
TRUMP: Haw haw! Dougie, you’re okay!
FORD: You’re not too bad yourself, Don.
TRUMP: Gotta have you up to Mar-A-Lago some [BLEEP]ing time.
FORD: I’d [BLEEP]ing love that!
TRUMP: If we get a chance, I’d like to introduce you to my good friend Vladimir…
Anchor’s head hits his desk with a loud THUD!
ANCHOR: (moaning) We’ll be right back…
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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I’d Call Him Airline Management Barbie, But Everybody Knows There Are No Transvestites In Qatar
Feminists settle.
YOU WANT: Qatar Airways CEO Akbar Al Baker to say from the beginning, “It will be my pleasure to have a female CEO candidate I could then develop to become the CEO after me.”
YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: a company press release quoting Al Baker as saying, “While I am known in the media for some lightheartedness at press conferences, it is crucial that I emphasize the facts as I did today and the importance of women representatives in the airline industry.”
YOU’LL GET: Al Baker saying: “Of course it has to be led by a man, because it is a very challenging position.”
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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The Grudge Report
Explaining why he imposed tariffs on Canadian goods on the grounds that they were a threat to America’s national security, President Donald Trump stated, “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?” Actually, it was the British, not Canadians who did that, because it was 1812 and Canada wouldn’t, you know, exist for another 45 years.
I know that Donald Trump is notorious for being one to hold a grudge, but this is ridiculous!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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“I’ll Trade You Two Ashanti Ripolo Topless Shots For A Simone Gannett Full Frontal”
In an effort to combat revenge porn – posting naked pictures of former partners on its service – Facebook has announced that users can avoid it by sending the company the compromising photos. The image is then reviewed and a unique string of numbers is generated for it, which blocks all future uploads of the same image on Facebook, Messenger and Instragram.
Facebook would probably convince more people to use the service if the press release about it didn’t end with the question: “What could possibly go wrong?”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/180603/geeklynews/01usersecurityhahaha.htm]
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