Thank you, Lester Miserable, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that six year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day while adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. We’re pretty sure we would laugh more if we still found our toes funny, but, these days, we can hardly see them, let alone mine them for comedy gold!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Low Road To High Office
Okay, so you announce in the middle of the Republican Presidential nominating debate that you have video showing that people who work for Planned Parenthood eat Christian babies. It’s like The Protocols of the Elders of Zion…with audio! You even challenge the President to watch the video because, well, eww!
When people start asking to see the video, which doesn’t actually exist, do you admit that you made the whole thing up? Before you answer that question, answer this one: how badly do you want to be the GOP’s Presidential nominee? Of course you don’t back down! You just get out your copy of Uncle Karl’s Big Book of Political Scandal Recipes and start cooking up your own video!
Carly’s GOP Debate Surprise
INGREDIENTS
1 Planned Parenthood logo
30 seconds of an interview with a former tissue procurement technician, Holly O’Donnell
1 photo of a Pennsylvania woman’s stillborn son that was used without permission
45 seconds of video from a discredited anti-choice archive called the Grantham Collection
25 seconds of audio from a secret video of a doctor in Colorado
15 seconds audio from a surreptitiously recorded phone conversation with a man who works at another independent health-care organization in California
DIRECTIONS
Drop all ingredients into a video editing programme and mix until they make a single puree in which their individual sources cannot be determined. Season with wild surmises and baseless accusations to taste.
The resulting video wouldn’t convince a blind wombat. But, it will be perfect for convincing the Republican base to shut down the government over the funding of Planned Parenthood, and it might just contribute to the first woman becoming president of the United States. Not bad for something any 12 year-old can whip together in five minutes!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=832&dir=bb]
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Circle The Tanks! Criticism Iiiiiiiiincoooooommmmiiiiiiing!
Stephen Harper is refusing to apologize for signing a contract to sell $15 billion worth of armoured fighting vehicles to Islamic State, a group attracting increasing global attention for its abysmal human rights record.
“This is a deal, frankly, with a group, notwithstanding its human rights violations, which are significant…that is an ally in the fight in the global war against bad things,” the Prime Minister argued. “Look, we express our outrage, our disagreement from time to time with the leadership of Islamic State for their treatment of human rights. But I don’t think it makes any sense to pull a contract in a way that would only punish Canadian workers instead of actually expressing our outrage against some of these things.”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32942641308741443687fx]
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They Appear To Have A Boehner To Pick With The Speaker
Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner has announced that he will be retiring from politics in a couple of months. Fellow conservatives immediately congratulated Boehner on a job well done.
“ONE LAST CRY: BOEHNER TO RESIGN FROM CONGRESS,” tweeted Matt Drudge.
“YAY!!!!!! Boehner is resigning,” tweeted Erick Erikson.
“So now Boehner can capitulate on debt ceiling and every budget battle knowing he’s a lame duck,” tweeted Daniel Horowitz.
“I have long called on Republican leadership to do something unusual, which is lead,” commented Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz.
Okay, these responses may not seem all that positive. Still, you should have heard what the people who didn’t like Boehner had to say!
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Sep28.html]
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All One Of Me?
Could you go 1,000 days – that’s almost three months! – without eating refined sugar? Vancouverite Jason Heartburn has known what it’s like not to let the allure of dextrose, fructose or maltose affect his diet for…a long, long time.
Of course, during that time he got into three bar fights and is now believed to have taken on the identity of the online troll @yourotherkidisuglier. Oh, and his wife of 17 years Marla, is divorcing him with extreme prejudice.
“I must admit, I feel great,” Heartburn told a thong of reporters (there was only me). “What? Why are you looking at me like that? You wanna piece of me? Hunh? Hunh? You wanna go? Come on, I’ll take you all on!”
When I asked him how he was planning on celebrating the miulestone, Heartburn tried to pick up a fridge and throw it at me. When he finally calmed down, he thoughtfully commented, “I can’t decide whether I should start with a box of Oreos or a box of chocolate chip cookies. Then, I have an apple pie in the freezer that I have been saving for a special occasion, and occasions don’t get much more special than this! I think I’ll have the pie with a hot cocoa chaser. Then, I’ll have some baclava to cleanse my palate, then hit the chocolate covered almonds, hit them ha – oh, you giving me the look again? You think I haven’t earned the right to celebrate? Let’s go! Right here! Right now!”
Heartburn will be in hospital for three to six weeks to allow the ribs he broke when the fridge fell on him to heal. The symptoms of his concussion will be watched on a day to day basis. So far, Heartburn says, the hospital food hasn’t been any worse than what he had been eating for the last 1,000 days.
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2015/09/22/509727.html]
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Isn’t Getting Twisted What Panties Are For?
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has defended the practice of having Conservative candidates in the election wear niqabs during campaign debates. “They will take off the veils so that members of the same party can prove that the candidates are who they claim they are, so why is everybody getting their panties in a twist over this?”
When asked why his government refused to accept the same argument for women who want to wear the niqab at citizenship ceremonies, the Prime Minister grinned and replied, “As the Buddha says, there are no contradictions. Now, that is a non-Christian religion I can respect!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20150927.eladvote0927_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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