Thank you, Leslie Townes Hope, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. May we call you Bob?
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The Daily Me Staff
Iraq, Iran And North Korea?
No, That Was An Axis, Not A Coalition
Why political advertisements should not be improvised:
WOMAN 1: Remember the coalition that everybody was talking about last year?
WOMAN 2: No.
WOMAN 1: What!
WOMAN 2: What?
WOMAN 1: The coalition. The…the – you know, the three stooges that opposed the Harper government?
WOMAN 2: Larry, Curly and Moe?
WOMAN 1: No, no, not those stooges.
WOMAN 2: Groucho, Chico and Harpo?
WOMAN 1: No! The Liberals, Bloc and NDP!
WOMAN 2: What about them?
WOMAN 1: Do you remember the coalition they were in?
WOMAN 2: Uhh…no.
WOMAN 1: Last year! Everybody was talking about it!
WOMAN 2: I wasn’t.
WOMAN 1: Okay! Everybody except you!
WOMAN 2: Umm, okay. What about it?
WOMAN 1: Well, you wouldn’t belie –
ANNOUNCER: This has been a paid political announcement by the government of Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1070950604]
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Although The Long Term Effects Of Drinking The Water Are Not Known
One snag in the inaugural ceremonies occurred when the train that was taking President-elect Barack Obama and his family from Philadelphia to Washington fell into New York’s Hudson River. Miraculously, thanks to quick thinking by the conductor, C.B. “Hammy” Hamberger, who was an expert in train safety, no one was killed.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2009/ALLPOLITICS/01/19/reps.main/index.html]
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America: Where Any Child Can Grow Up Not Wanting To Be President
Great obstructionists of the 21st century, #3:
Senator John Cornyn. Once vowed to kill an Attorney General’s nomination just to watch it die. Here was a man who was so far into Big Oil’s pocket that his respiratory system had adapted to breathing lint – and he had the voting record to prove it!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322461316461314682fx]
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Novocain We Can Believe In
What am I doing the day of Barack Obama’s inauguration? Going to the dentist. But, it’s not as romantic as it sounds…
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Sometimes, You Just Have To Go A Long Way For A Short Pun
The tanking economy and flare-ups of violence around the world have been getting most of the media attention these days, attention that would otherwise go to the question: what will President Bush do when his term of office is up?
We would suggest that he develop a video to promote step dancing exercise. We can already see him on late night television saying things like: “We’ll keep stepping up until the fat steps down” and “Fat abolition accomplished!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106769810163410.xml]
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Grandson Of Catch 22
SPECTER: Before we vote to send your confirmation to the floor, we need to know if you will pursue prosecution of former Bush White House staff on grounds of torture.
HOLDER: You want me to tell you my prosecution plans?
SPECTER: Yes. But, there’s a catch.
HOLDER: A catch?
SPECTER: That’s right. Any prosecutor who would give away his strategy before a trial probably shouldn’t be trusted to be Attorney General.
HOLDER: So, if I don’t tell you what I intend to do, you will hold up my confirmation, but if I do tell you what I’m going to do, you’ll say I’m unfit for office and hold up my confirmation?
SPECTER: That’s right.
HOLDER: Hoo boy, that’s some catch.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/rummysnodummy.shtml]
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Would The Bailout Come With Ropes Attached?
Larry Flynt was in Washington asking for a bailout for the porn industry. I thought: this is strange. Usually, bailing out is a bad thing in the porn industry.
“What happened to your erection?”
“I dunno! Looks like I’m gonna have to bail on this scene!”
“The hell you are! It cost us 23 bucks to set up this shoot!”
Then, I thought: why a bailout? Isn’t the porn industry supposed to be recession-proof? But, uhh, I didn’t think it would be a good move to ask about how much their market was shrinking. Porn people are really sensitive about anything shrinking!
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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Given The Subject, Are You Sure You Want To Ask The Question?
21) Which of the following is the most plausible explanation for the fact that the records are missing or incomplete for nearly half of the cases in which newly armed Canadian border agents drew their guns?
a) our border agents’ mission is true and their hearts are pure, so who could possibly question their behaviour?
b) the record of Canadian police using tasers is spotless, so who could possibly question their use of guns?
c) the drug sniffing dog ate their homework
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Or, That He Doesn’t Have A Height Challenged Person To Boss Around?
Ricardo Mantalban has died. He was 88. Think he’ll be disappointed when he finds that there is no fine Corinthian leather where he’s going?
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Analysis Paralysis
Monday. 8pm. CBC Newsworld and CTV Newsnet. Throne Speech Analysis. TIVO this puppy and use it the next time you’re having trouble sleeping.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Yes. Absolutely. Objections? Wh…What Possible Objections Could I Have?
INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY
ANNOUNCER: Presidents! How often has this happened to you?
PRESIDENT: Turning to the economy –
JOURNALIST: Mister President! Mister President! Is it true that your Secretary of Defense drugs underaged farm animals so he can sleep with them?
ANNOUNCER: That’s right. You want to talk about serious issues, but the press – gosh darn those snoopy scamps! – just won’t let you. That’s why you need the National Security Agency, now with new enhanced surveillance powers. That’s right! With the new and improved NSA, you can listen in on all of the communications of journalists throughout the country, so they won’t be able to surprise you by knowing things about your administration that they shouldn’t. Impressed? You should be. But, that’s only the beginning! Now, you can find out what their little secrets are, and, with a carefully worded phone call, derail that potentially embarrassing investigative report before it even begins! Just imagine it…
PRESIDENT: I would like to talk about the economy now, if that’s okay with everybody…
JOURNALISTS: (all at once) No. Sure. Absolutely fine. Whatever you say, Mister President! You betcha! Whatever you say!
ANNOUNCER: The NSA, now with new enhanced surveillance powers. Executive order one today!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227176]
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