Thank you, Kermit Roosevelt, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Did you know that today is Good News Day in the Edinburgh Evening News? That’s right, this Scottish newspaper is planning on putting out an edition that contains only happy stories, or stories that can have a happy spin. We were considering doing that in today’s Daily Me, but decided against it when we realized that it would either be really short or contain nothing but references to articles in today’s Edinburgh Evening News, and the idea wasn’t good enough to subject our readers to that.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Let’s See You Top That, Bono!
Sri Lankan singer MIA caused an instant sensation when she gave birth on the Grammy Awards show. “We don’t like to refer to it as ‘giving birth,'” Grammy spokesperson Etta Glumlivet stated. “We prefer to think of what happened as a ‘natal malfunction.'”
The Federal Communications Commission is mulling over how much of a punishment to give CBS, which televised the awards show live. “Oh, this is the big one,” FCC Chair Michael Copps stated. “Expect a fine of biblical proportions!”
“Aww, come on,” Glumlivet protested. “MIA’s performance had everything! Blood, piss, shit, pain – rock and roll!”
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=2/12/2009#1]
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Hey, I, Uhh…I’m Down With That Pro – Uhh, Yeah…What?
The leader of the Marijuana Policy Project is calling on a boycott of Kellogg Company products because it dropped Olympic athlete Michael Phelps as its spokesperson after a picture of him smoking marijuana circulated on the Internet.
Kellogg is taking the boycott seriously. After all, people with the munchies after toking up are a substantial part of its customer base.
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors
[http://www.hightimes&misdemeanors.com/ht&m/legal/content.php?bid=279&add=4&REPOSSESSID=9210a3cb91f42725db609d6925352f60]
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We’d Pay You To Go Away, But That Would Kind Of Defeat The Purpose
Free marketeers are blubbering that if bank executives aren’t given golden mansions and fashion models as compensation for all of their hard work breaking the international economy, they’ll move to a place that will compensate them inappropriately. Putting aside the obvious question (what country could afford to take them?), what is the best response to this threat?
CEO: You heard the economists: if I don’t have big enough bonuses, I’ll go somewhere else.
PUBLIC: Okay.
CEO: I’ll be walking out the door.
PUBLIC: Don’t let it hit you on the ass on the way out.
CEO: I’m not kidding. I…I’ll move to a country where they appreciate entrepreneurship.
PUBLIC: Dude! Please, just go already.
CEO: I will! You just watch me!
Pause.
PUBLIC: Why are you still here?
CEO: I…I could be convinced to stay if you’ll just…just throw me a bone.
PUBLIC: That’s okay, thanks. We’ll manage somehow without you.
CEO: So, you want me to stay?
PUBLIC: And screw up the world economy a second time?
CEO: Okay. Since you insist, I’ll stay. How much compensation can I expect?
PUBLIC: You haven’t heard a word I’ve said, have you?
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/thedoorassconnection.shtml]
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6. I Was The Patron Saint Of Beekeepers And Helped People With The Plague.
St. Valentine
25 Things You Don’t Know About Me
3. I imported gunpowder from China. Remember: we didn’t have refrigeration back then. I thought gunpowder would make a good spice for meat.
8. My poetry sounded like it was written by a 12 year-old with scant knowledge of Greek, but I wrote it with enthusiasm and the most up-to-date technology: a slave.
12. I was the one who put the dead rat on Claudius II’s throne. I was such a scamp. I firmly believe that this had nothing to do with his persecution of Christians, although I cannot, of course, get inside his head, so I cannot be certain. But, really, how petty must an emperor be to forbid all of the people from a specific religion to marry?
16. I may not have existed. Or, if I did exist, I may have actually been two or three people. I’m a little…fuzzy on the details…
21. I completely condemned Lupercalia as a pagan superstition, of course, but I couldn’t help taking a sip of wine during the festival. Did I mention my scampness?
25. I’ve never actually been in love, but I am told it is divine.
SOURCE: Farcebook
[http://www.farcebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&id=639510235#/note.php?note_id=68208766276&ref=mf]
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You’re Not A Moron – You’re Just An Idiot
“What this administration is talking about is making work. It is creating work…it’s not a job.”
– RNC Chair Michael Steele
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Change Is…Something That Makes Holes In Your Pocket
There is a virtual tie in the Israeli election between Tzipi Livni, leader of the centrist Kadima Party, and Benjamin Netanyahu, leader of the conservative Likud Party. Palestinians are, of course, watching the election closely and eager to find out if Israel will end up with a Prime Minister who believes a dead Israeli is worth 100 dead Palestinians, or a mere 50.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=2098851590224]
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Now, There’s Something I Would Pay Good Money…Not To Have To Experience
1 for the ages) Republican Senator Judd Gregg decided to decline the offer of Commerce Secretary, claiming that “I couldn’t be Judd Gregg and serve in the Cabinet” of Democratic President Barack Obama What does being Judd Gregg mean to Judd Gregg?
a) a blissful state free from complex or nuanced thought (sort of like Adam in the garden of Eden, but without all the sinful nudity)
b) he is totally unaware that people get to spend 20 minutes in his head by entering a small door in a closet in Lehman Brothers; when their time is up, they get thrown into the middle of the eastbound lanes of the TransCanada Highway
c) six more decades of winter
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Youse Gotta Admits, Dough, He Gots Mo Oxy!
At least 1,500 OxyContin pills were stolen from a pharmacy in the Yonge and Finch area yesterday. Police say they have a description of the suspect as “an overweight, loudmouthed right wing talk radio host.” Rush Limbaugh has denied he was anywhere near Yonge and Finch at the time of the robbery.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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25. I Have A Long Memory. Really. A Loooooooong Memory.
Emperor Claudius II
25 Things You Don’t Know About Me
16. I had no idea that Valentine put a dead rat on my throne. I had my own reasons for persecuting Christians, thank you very much.
SOURCE: Farcebook
[http://www.farcebook.com/profile.php?v=feed&id=639510235#/note.php?note_id=68208739276&ref=mf]
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