Thank you, Katt A. Chisholm, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, in a classic case of stunt editing, Bono and Bob Geldof agreed to helm today’s issue. Hi, boys. Of course, because the selection of Daily Me articles is completely automated, they didn’t have anything to do, so they mostly sat around, drinking our coffee and bitching about how unfair the MTV Music Awards are. Gee, it was great to see them in action!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Change You Can Deceive In
Okay. I had an idea. I don’t know. Kind of crazy. But, I’m gonna throw it out anyway because, you know, sometimes there is a grain of truth in even the craziest idea. Fair warning: this idea may be painful for some of our more sensitive viewers; if you have a defibrillator handy, prep it know. Ready? Okay. Here goes…
You think President Obama has no intention of prosecuting Bush officials for war crimes because he wants the powers that they established for himself?
Whoa! I know – crazy, right? Sorry – I’m sorry – you know, what? I’m sorry I brought it up. Let’s forget I ever mentioned it, okay? Okay. Take a deep breath. The worst is over.
I hope…
SOURCE: The Lefty Hipp-Starr Show
[http://www.msnobc.msn.com/id/26315928/]
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Losing Streek
Without warning, CFNY – sorry, The Edge has decided to honour late DJ Martin Streek by replacing his Sunday night “Spirit of the Edge” retro new rock show with two hours of sex talk.
“Where’s my Billy Idol?” groused long-time listener Ari Mannay. “Where’s my A-ha? Where’s my Men Without Hats? You think any of them would sing about…clitoral stimulation? Well, maybe A-ha. Still, WHERE’S MY BILLY IDOL?”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Fox: A Network That Makes Howard Beale Seem Like A Voice Of Calm Reason
This week’s Pulling Facts Out of Your Ass Award goes to Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade, who asked, “Do media outlets like The New York Times aid and abet terror by leaking national security secrets? Some say, ‘Oh, they do that, including helping the Times Square bomber plan his attack without being detected.'”
You see what happened there? By using “Some say,” Kilmeade doesn’t actually have to admit where the allegation came from. It wasn’t his ass talking; it was “some.”
It’s fun. Everybody should do it. Here, let me take a shot: some say, “Brian Kilmeade is a moronic hack who wouldn’t know real journalism if it carved itself into his chest with a silver spoon.” Ooh, that felt good. Now, you try it at home.
And, the great thing about putting an issue this way is that nobody is likely to ask you who “some” are. They could be half a dozen guys ogling strippers at the bar where you hang out after work. More likely, they are two or three people who work behind the scenes at your show. Most likely, they’re the voices in your head that tell you that you’ll be famous if you just ignore reality and listen to them.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=685&dir=bb]
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Oil Be Fine
“You had executives of BP and Transocean and Halliburton falling over each other to point the finger of blame at somebody else,” President Obama remarked about Senate hearings into the oil spill caused by the Deepwater Horizon rig explosion. “The American people could not have been impressed with that display, and I certainly wasn’t.”
In response to this crisis, the White House said it was considering a proposal to think about a plan that would look into the possibility of developing a blueprint that would result in some action at some later date. Incrementalism at its finest.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2010May14.html]
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It’s Art – You Can Banksy On It!
This image in the style of British street artist Banksy was found on a side street in downtown Toronto. Was Banksy in the city to display his work? Did Banksy display his work on city streets in order to promote his new movie, Exit Through the Gift Shop? Did Banksy get an employee to put his signature graphics around town in order to promote his work and/or his movie? Did a local Banksy wannabe do it to promote Banksy’s work? Did a local Banksy wannabe do it to promote his own work? Did space aliens do it in the style of Banksy as a signal to their moles on Earth that the invasion had been postponed because the Emperor had a bladder infection?
I don’t remember when modern art started hurting my head, but I’m now at the point where I have to pop Percocets constantly just to keep the pain at bay.
SOURCE: Art Splorts
[http://www.artsplorts.com/diary/id=9325]
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Limbaugh? Now, There’s A Man Who Never Settles!
In the politics of American Supreme Court appointments, everybody settles. What happens, for example, when the right starts floating rumours that Obama nominee Elena Kagan is a lesbian?
WHAT YOU WANT: The White House to engage in a full defence of Kagan’s nomination, arguing that her sexual orientation is nobody’s business, and that, in any case, sexual orientation has no relation to one’s fitness to serve on the Supreme Court.
WHAT YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: The White House to give wishy-washy assurances that Kagan will be a good Supreme Court justice if she’s just given a chance. So, please, give her a chance, okay?
WHAT YOU’LL GET: The White house allowing Kagan’s Senate nomination hearings to degenerate into an unseemly circus made up of unsubstantiated personal attacks, eventually dropping the nomination and begging for Rush Limbaugh’s forgiveness.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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So Unclear On The Concept You Should Be Declared Legally Blind
Thousands of women marched in Ottawa in support of the Conservative government’s policy of not allowing funding for women’s health in the Third World to be used for abortions.
When asked about the Lancet study that showed that 70,000 women around the world die because of unsafe, illegal abortions, Angelina Steenstra said, “We have nothing to do with that. We’re part of a Culture of Life!”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/05/14/572727.html]
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Acme? No, AACUE!
Asymmetrical, anomalous complex unprecedented event (noun): what British Petroleum lawyers do in their pants when they contemplate the company’s liability for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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