Thank you, Katie Combes, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read a tweet that said that if we wanted to become more successful writers, we needed to quit writing. Hmm…it has a kind of pop Zen purity, we thought to ourselves. Maybe we should try it…
Umm…yeah. Well. That happened. Or, didn’t, as the case may be. Perhaps the advice would make more sense if we read the article the tweet was sent to link to. And, maybe some day we’ll have the time to read it, but, for now, we’re too busy writing.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Stuff And Nonsense…And Other Stuff
New Democrats are refusing to support Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s decision to send special forces commandos into northern Iraq, claiming that the government has not given them enough information about the mission.
“That’s ridiculous,” Harper responded. “Our troops are going to do…stuff. You know…out there. Somewhere. Probably in the Middle East, but don’t hold me to that. They’ll be under the command of…people. You know, who will give them orders about what…stuff to do. And, stuff.
“How much clearer can I be about the mission?”
SOURCE: CanWest Blowhole
[http://www.canada.com/blowholetv.html]
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When It Comes To Deciding Who Deserves The Guilt For Killing Jesus, You Can’t Be Too Jewsy
We like our Greek gods to personify the three Ss: strong, studly and stupid. (I mean, what person in their right minds would fight a three headed Hell dog or snake who grows two heads for every one you cut off?) The actors who play Greek gods, not so much. Unfortunately, the public has no say in casting.
One-time Hercules Kevin Sorbo decided to go old school (like, twentieth century old) anti-Jewish in public statements. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Don’t you know that all the cool kids are claiming that Israel’s treatment of Palestinians makes the Jewish state as bad as Nazi Germany? Of course, many of them are conflicted because they admire Hitler’s way of dealing with Jews. Let’s leave them to their angsty lack of self-reflection.
When reminded that the Jews handed Jesus to the Romans, who were the ones who actually crucified him, Sorbo replied: “Details, man. It’s all details. The important thing is not to get distracted from the issue of who really killed Jesus.” The Bag of Crazy may be paraphrasing his response, but only for purposes of making fun of his attitude.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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The Old Grey Marois, She Ain’t What She Used To Be
“This is a great endorsement for the United Kingdom!” England’s Prime Minister David Cameron said of the Scottish referendum in which 46 per cent of the people wanted to get the hell out of the union. When reminded that he had promised to give Scotland more autonomy during the campaign, Cameron grinned and asked, “I said that? I must have been drunk at the time. Did you get that in writing?”
Meanwhile, Canada’s Parti Quebecois was devastated by the loss. “We can’t even win a referendum by proxy!” leader Pauline Marois moaned.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2014/09/20/maroisisless140920]
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Royalty Humour
Brett Branson has been put to death by guillotine for opposing the merger of Tim Hortons and Burger King. Reducing the American company’s taxes by putting its headquarters in lower tax Canada was widely reported to be the cause of the union of the two fast food giants; Branson objected to this evasion of corporate responsibility.
“Americans protesting in favour of taxes – this must be a first!” the Burger King grinned (mostly because that’s the way his face was painted). “Still, the tax issue was one of many compelling business reasons for the merger. It has been blown out of all proportion. Surely, it need not be something to lose our heads over it!”
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/timworstedofall/2014/09/20/king-of-all-he-purveys/]
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Headline, Sensing A Cover-up, Refuses To Get Involved
INT. HEALTH CANADA OFFICES – DAY
A press conference has just started. LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN stands among the seated journalists.
LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN: Can you tell us, please, why Health Canada allowed Apotex to continue making drugs with suspect ingredients imported from India even though you had ordered them to stop?
SPOKESWEASEL: (shouting) WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
Neidergaarden looks around, momentarily confused.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Umm…the Canadian public. You know, the people you’re supposed to be protecting from bad drugs?
SPOKESWEASEL: Oh, yeah, right, right, right. Them. Right. Well, there’s really a very simple explanation for that…
Half a minute passes. The journalists in the room get increasingly fidgety, looking at each other not sure what to make of what is happening.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Sir, you said there’s a very simple explanation…?
SPOKESWEASEL: To what?
NEIDERGAARDEN: To why Health Canada allowed Apotex to –
SPOKESWEASEL: Oh, that. Asked and answered.
NEIDERGAARDEN: But, you didn’t answer the question! You said that there was a very simple explanation, but you didn’t give it to us!
SPOKESWEASEL: I said I answered the question. I didn’t say you would like my answer.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I’m sorry, but you’re forcing me to repeat my question. Why –
SPOKESWEASEL: (mutters) Jeez! Take some responsibility for your own actions!
NEIDERGAARDEN: Why did Health Canada allow Apotex to continue making drugs with bad ingredients when you had told them they had to stop?
SPOKESWEASEL: I can’t answer that.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Why not?
SPOKESWEASEL: The dog ate our homework.
NEIDERGAARDEN: I’m sorry?
SPOKESWEASEL: Aaand, when I say the dog, I mean our computer system, and when I say homework, I mean all of the files relevant to your question…whatever it may have been.
NEIDERGAARDEN: Can’t you get somebody who was involved in the decision to come and tell us what happened?
SPOKESWEASEL: (shouting) HEARSAY, YOUR HONOUR!
NEIDERGAARDEN: Umm, no. That…that would be testimony.
SPOKESWEASEL: Fair enough. I’ll ask around – see if anybody is up for it. Now, if there are no other questions, I don’t want to be late for my mani-pedi. Thank you all for –
Neidergaarden reluctantly sits down as HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN jumps up.
MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN: Why did I have to go to the American FDA to find out that some Canadian pharmaceutical companies are selling drugs they know to be defective? You should supply that information, but you refuse – why?
NEIDERGAARDEN: (mutters) Oh, good luck with that!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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