Thank you, Katey Maddox Month, Week One…Part Two, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, right-wing Americans who remained loyal to the Republican Party insisted that Donald Trump might be campaigning from the Twilight Zone, but if he was elected, he would govern from Mayberry. Can you cut that shit out, please? Once you’ve entered the Twilight Zone, you can never go back to Mayberry!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Sleep Better At Night Knowing The RCMP Is Keeping Us Safe From Conspiracies That They Have Created
The British Columbia Supreme Court has ruled that the defendants in a terrorism trial, known as “Larry,” “Curly” and “Moe,” had “severely diminished intellectual capabilities.” Because they were essentially “goofy children in adult bodies,” the court decided that they could not have plotted their way out of a paper-thin plot without the guidance of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
“I resemble that remark!” Moe stood up in court and shouted as Curly stapled his hand to the desk behind which they sat and Larry urgently whispered, “Ooh! Oooh! Oooh! Moe! Moe! Moe! Moe! Moe!”
“Not now!” Moe replied out of the side of his mouth. “Can’t you see I’m trying to win us the case with the legal principle e plurubus stoogeum?”
“But, Moe,” Larry insisted. “This is a Canadian court! American legal principles don’t apply here.”
“Oh. Wise guy, hunh?” Moe responded. He tried to poke Larry in the eyes, but he was sitting too far away, so he moved to poke Curly in the eyes. Curly tried to block the poke, but his blocking hand was stapled to the table. Ouch!
“Whad I do?” Curly cried. “Tell me: whad I do?”
When the Chief Justice banged the gavel and shouted, “Order in the court! Order in the court!” the three…defendants looked up from their shenanigans.
“A juicy burger would be nice,” Curly responded.
Because of this obvious entrapment, all charges against the trio were dismissed. Undaunted, the RCMP announced that it would soon lay charges against suspects it would only identify as “Groucho,” “Chico” and “Harpo.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20160802.eladvote0802_@/BNStory/nationalnewsOops2016/]
more
Give Me Libertarian, Or Give Me…Something Else!
Support for Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson has risen from one per cent of the electorate to one and a half per cent of the electorate. Apparently, the campaign slogan “Libertarians – for people who think Republicans are too sane” has caught on.
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/monologue-08-02-16]
more
But, What Did A Survey Of The Irrelevant Literature Find?
A survey of the relevant literature has found no scientific basis for the belief that flossing regularly fights tooth decay.
Frank Zappa fans were devastated. What will all the dental floss ranchers do now?
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1564H3EC-2C145-21K5-AAA1590614B712122]
more
Looks Like It’s Time For The Greatest Generation’s Meds
Doctor Clint Eastwood’s bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired.
Treating a man who had both legs and his left arm torn off by an exploding pineapple, Doctor Eastwood said, “Oh, just fucking get over it. When I grew up, people lost limbs all the time, and those things weren’t called tragedies.”
Doctor Eastwood said that he isn’t inclined to support Hillary Clinton as head of surgery. “I’d have to go for Trump, you know, ’cause she’s in the back pocket of big pharma, and he’s said he’d like to limit the use of narcotic drugs like morphine to deal with post-op pain. That should stop those pussies from whining!”
Because they’d pass out from the pain? “Whatever!”
Doctor Eastwood also dismissed the controversy over Trump’s comments that he wouldn’t want to be operated on by Doctor Gonzalo Curiel because of his Mexican heritage. “Yeah, it’s a dumb thing to say,” Doctor Eastwood allowed. “Even if his parents came from Mexico, he got his medical degree in America, same as I did.
“Now, if he had said that the guy had only gotten into medical school because of affirmative action…”
SOURCE: The Medical-Industrial Complex
[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/cranky_old_man_syndrome/secure/2_pds.htm]
more
Look At How Well The Tactic Worked For Buggy Whip Manufacturers
Toronto cab drivers are considering going on strike to protest what they see as lax enforcement of the rules brought in to regulate Uber drivers. Because nothing is better for a business than withdrawing your product from the market and leaving the field entirely open for your competition.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=1947372]
more
If Trump Loses, His Supporters Will Accept The Will Of The People…With Rioting In The Streets
They’re Classy That Way
United States courts have rejected voter ID rules put in place in states including North Carolina, Texas and Wisconsin. The rulings cited a risk of disenfranchising the poor, minorities or young people who were less likely to have acceptable IDs – and who are more likely to vote Democratic. How did the Republican campaign respond?
“The Democrats are trying to rig the election,” Donald Trump complained, “by making it harder for us to rig the election!”
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2016Aug04.html]
more
Oh, No – You Don’t Want Your Johnson To Catch On Something Like Your Zipper Or…Or…That’s Not What You Meant, Is It?
Support for Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson has risen from one per cent of the electorate to one and a half per cent of the electorate. Apparently, the campaign slogan “Get your Johnson out and wave it all about!” has caught on.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
more
Gold Goes To The Pharmaceutical Community
The Physical Enhancement Olympics in Rio start tomorrow. Highlights should include:
- The Mixed 1,000 Metre Safe Urine Relay. Russia is expected to take this event easily. Lead runner Doctor Yuri Shmeltavich has never spilled a drop, while anchor Ivanna Pavnolana holds the record for the Women’s 100 Metre Bait and Switch.
- Men’s Hop, Step and Juggle. Cooking up cocktails of strength enhancing drugs while moving across a political minefield is hard, as most amateurs have found. Russian Pavel Blavagatsky is the odds on favourite to win this event, although Swedish competitor Nolo Blorgorsohn is rumoured to be working with new chemicals that may lead to an upset.
- Men’s Straw Man Shooting Competition. This is a tough field with no clear winner. From Russian contender Putin’s “The United States cheats worse” to British entrant May’s “We cheat to keep the country safe from immigrants,” this could be anybody’s event to win.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#49220133334]
more