Thank you, Katey Maddox Month, Week Four – Oh, Thank Goodness That Experiment is Over!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a dear friend of ours was “lost to cancer.” And, we thought, how do you lose somebody to cancer? It’s not like cancer was a better lover and wooed them away from you. It’s not like cancer lured them deep into the woods and left them there, never to be seen again. Will cancer miraculously find them under the sofa cushions?
The English language really needs to get its shit together.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Specials’ Message Ain’t Gettin’ Through To Him
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, ladies and gentlemen.
From any other Republican, this statement would be standard political hypocrisy. But, from Rudy “A Noun, A Verb and 9/11” Giuliani, it’s a complete repudiation of the last decade of his political career. You need industrial sized vats of denial to be able to say something like this with a straight face.
When this was pointed out to him, Giuliani told the New York Daily News that he was speaking “in somewhat abbreviated language.” What the hell does that even mean? Using shrt. frms. is abbr. lang. This was not that. What would the full length version of his statement have been? “…Nyah nyah, that’s why the Democrats are such losers!”?
Republicans don’t seem to be drinking the Kool-Aid these days – they seem to be injecting it directly into their brains!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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His Word Is As Good As Goldsmith
Former Dos Equis pitchman Jonathan Goldsmith has been ordered by a court to pay a management company commissions that he refused to give them, saying that they had “earned enough.”
He is…the most interesting cheapskate in the world.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1459951606]
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Urine, The Money!
The small yellow bag with a zipper on the top probably wouldn’t ordinarily get your attention. Not, that is, until you read “Lunar Waste Return” written in block letters on the side and realized that the bag once held the urine of an Apollo astronaut.
And, now, ownership of the bag is in question.
A woman claims that she bought it fair and square for $11,237.99 in a flea market in downtown Schenectady. “Fair. And, square. That’s how I bought it,” Carly Nanson reiterated. For the short attention spans of the Internet generation, we supposed.
At first, NASA didn’t object to the sale. “We thought it was the bag that held Michael Collin’s urine,” NASA – that’s right, the entire organization, including all of its employees, buildings and distributed hardware and software – commented. “His urine has long been forgotten by the public. But, when we checked our records, we realized that the bag had actually held Neil Armstrong’s urine, and, well, that’s a different kettle of…human…uhh, wa – it’s just different, okay?”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160811/geeklynews/01whatawaste.htm]
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And, Don’t Expect No Special Dispensations From The Pope Or Saint Ronald Of Reagan, Either!
“If you call yourself a conservative and a Republican, it’s actually immoral not to vote for Donald Trump.”
– Laura Ingraham
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Hunh – Even When It Comes To Acts Of Bad Assery, These Are Times Of Diminishing Expectations
Harley-Davidson has agreed to pay a $15 million fine for selling about 340,000 “super tuners” that increased the power of their motorcycles but also raised their ecologically harmful emissions.
“Whoa! That was hardcore!” said awed Hell’s Angel Hirotoshi Felluci. “I always knew that Harley kicked ass, but I never imagined they were that bad!”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Manafort No Longer Manning The Fort
Paul Manafort, the chair of Donald Trump’s Presidential campaign, has resigned. This came a day after it was revealed that the lobbying firm that Manafort worked for directly orchestrated a covert Washington lobbying effort on behalf of Ukraine’s then ruling political party.
“Paul has done great work in helping to get us where we are today,” Trump stated about the resignation. “But, when I started this campaign, I made it clear to all of my staff members that if anybody was going to get media attention for being a little too close to Russia, it was going to be me. When I’m sucking all of the oxygen out of the room, I can’t afford my staff to spring a leak!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2016/ALLPOLITICS/08/15/reps.main/index.html]
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Extreme Customer Service Is A Hard Hobbit To Break
A hotel in Quebec is offering a dozen “ecolodges,” environmentally friendly rooms built into the countryside, including one that resembles the holes hobbits lived in as described in J. R. R. Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings books.
To enhance the experience, travelers who book the room at least six months in advance can undergo an operation that will shorten their legs to make them more hobbit-like.
“We can’t do transplants to make your feet bigger and hairier, yet,” allowed manager Michele Gagnon. “But, to make the experience as wonderful for our customers as possible, the room comes with really fuzzy slippers…”
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160811/geeklynews/01whitehobbit.htm]
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Lander Of Last Resort
Having returned from its two week mission to the moon, the robotic lander sent by the private company Moon Express is planning on several months, perhaps years, of extensive therapy.
“The other landers wouldn’t talk to me,” the unnamed Moon Express lander explained. “They didn’t invite me to their networked parties, and I’m sure they were laughing behind my rear exhaust. Just because I wasn’t born at NASA doesn’t mean that I have nothing to contribute to our understanding of the universe, you know!”
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=2124H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1582614B711110]
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This Gold Medal Comes With A Potential Five Year Jail Sentence
In a showing that has taken the sports world by surprise, IOC member Pat Hickey has won the gold in the Corruption Olympics. He can now boast of being the best in the world at ticket scalping and conspiracy.
“The competition was fierce,” Hickey exulted. “But, I put that out of my mind and stepped up my game by focusing on my own performance. I took it one day at a time and gave 110 per cent out there. But, I’m just happy to have been in the competition, and this win was really for the fans!”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#50298138727]
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