Thank you, Karma Comedian, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were concerned that future generations wouldn’t have the opportunity to see Matthew McConaughey’s chest outside of his films, which we cannot imagine future generations actually wanting to see. At first, we thought it should be removed from his body and plastinated. Now, while it is still washboard aby – if we waited until he died of old age, Matthew McConaughey’s chest would be all flabby and grey and what would future generations learn from that? The HSPCA pointed out that removing the actor’s chest while he was still alive would likely cause him horrible pain. We can’t have that…we guess… So, we’re asking our readers for ideas on how we can save Matthew McConaughey’s chest for future generations. If you have any ideas, any ideas at all, please send them to us. For the children.
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If You’re Not Part Of The Solution, You’re Part Of Glenn Beck
On his show last week, Sean hannityclaimed that over a million people attended a “press availability” organized by Michele Bachmann and other Republicans in Washington, even though most estimates of the size of the crowd by sane observers pegged it at between 10,000 and 20,000 people. How to explain the discrepancy?
Apparently, footage of the rally shown on hannity’s show was actually taken from Leni Riefenstahl’s propaganda film Triumph of the Will. As you can see, footage of the rally was in colour, while the footage shown on Beck’s show was in black and white. Of course, the Nazi symbolism that appears on banners in Riefenstahl’s film is the same as that on some of the signs at the rally, so you can be excused if you momentarily couldn’t tell the difference between the two.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
In Uncontrollable Laughter And Disdain, Maybe
“There’s nothing that unites our country more.”
– radio ad for Toronto Maple Leafs hockey
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
Too Bad They Don’t Know How To Bottle Chutzpah…Or Do They?
A Conservative member of Parliament has suggested that students be given free water bottles with the Party’s logo. Once again, the Tories have shown themselves to be completely tone deaf to the mood of the public.
If Shelly Glover really wanted to brand the Conservatives in children’s consciousness, she would have suggested giving them free chips and soda with the Tory logo.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088597541813&call_pageid=
968815278492&col=968666979154]
The Consequences Of Turning Plowshares Into Swords
Counterinsurgency operations will eventually displace the army’s traditional peacekeeping capabilities says the general in charge of Canada’s land forces. Iraqi civilians who were detained by British troops have levelled 33 allegations of rape and abuse against male and female soldiers, Britain’s Ministry of Defence said.
Retooling the army ability to conduct counter-insurgency operations requires continuing the overhaul of the army’s equipment. One man says he was raped by two British soldiers while another claims he was sexually humiliated.
Lieutenant-General Andrew Leslie believes the current geo-political situation has made Canada’s long-time penchant for peacemaking irrelevant. “Given the history of the UK’s involvement in the development of these techniques alongside the US, it is deeply concerning that there appears to be strong similarities between instances of the use of sexual humiliation,” lawyer Philip Shiner said.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
As Opposed To The Real Thing, Which Gives Off Impure Poison
“They not only smell bad but the toxic chemicals they give off are pure poison.”
– a customs official describing counterfeit cigarettes laced with rabbit droppings
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
I Can’t Wait To See The Spin-off: Desperate Divorcees
s
9pm. CTV. Desperate Housewives. Women across the country stare at their television sets dumbfounded by the fact that CTV has blacked out their favourite show because the network’s parent company did not get its way at the CRTC. There is crying. There is throwing of objects. There are unspecified, largely incoherent but nonetheless dramatic threats. Then, things get serious.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
I’m Voluntarily Keeping My Snark To A Minimum
Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has warned credit card companies and banks that there will be serious consequences if they do not comply with a proposed voluntary code of conduct for credit and debit markets.
“Voluntary codes of conduct must be taken seriously,” Flaherty stated. “Financial corporations in violation of the code could send themselves letters of reprimand. You may scoff, but those letters go into employees’ permanent files. In cases of blatant abuse, the companies could even fine themselves millions of dollars.
“Consumers should know that the Conservative government is serious about protecting them!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=47ddccd7-f2f0-0f2f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a528]
Loved The Iguana, Though
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
starring Nicolas Cage, Val Kilmer and Eva Mendes
directed by Werner Herzog
Nicolas Cage gives a performance that is over the top. I mean, way over the top. Way, way over the top. So far over the top that he would need the Hubble telescope to be able to even see the top.
Big surprise.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt2078386/]
Fox News: If It Ain’t Fixed, We Don’t Break It
During his latest travels abroad, Barack Obama bowed to Japan’s Emperor Akihito. The President of the United States of America bowed to a foreign leader! Excuse me, but the President of the United States of America never bows to foreign leaders. Never! Their leaders bow to our leaders, but our leaders never bow to them. That’s the way it works if you’re the only superpower left standing. Lefties will tell you that Nixon bowed to his father, Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Akihito’s father, not Obama’s. Probably. Well, whoever’s father he was, Nixon didn’t bow to him. Oh, no. He doubled over because of stomach cramps, possibly caused by bad squid. We may never know the exact cause. But, there was no respect in Nixon doubling over. No attempt to make Hirohito feel like Nixon was actually taking him seriously as his equal as a world leader. They say Nixon bowed to China’s Chairman Mao, too. No way. There was no bow, because the President of the United States of America never bows to a foreign leader. It was stomach cramps. …Both times.
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2563,96728,00.html]