Thank you, Jorge VraiVicki, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we were talking about the future of free trade under President Trump at our grandmother’s birthday party when she piped up, “If the pickled peppers don’t pop soon, I’sa gonna be hoppin’!” Our first thought was, Who is Isa? But, then we remembered that gran had a habit of quoting tag lines from radio and TV shows she experienced in her youth, lines that hardly anybody remembered any more, and we were content to be ignorant.
Except…we were at a friend’s grandmother’s birthday party a week later, and mentioned what our granny had said to a friend of a friend. The friend of a friend, who is a linguistic anthropologist, said that there never was a radio or TV show with that tag line. Ever. We asked if the friend of the friend was sure. He looked at us like like, “Who are you going to believe – your ancient grandmother or a linguistic anthropologist?” The encounter left us with one question.
Okay, who the ferk is Isa?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Second Amendment Is Twice As Good As The First
About 600 students at Booker T. Washington High School participated in a student-led demonstration of taking a knee when their school was put in lockdown during a day of student protests against gun violence in American schools. The official explanation for the lockdown was that it was meant to keep people from getting into the school, although it was unclear if there were any encyclopedia salesmen or Jehovah’s Witnesses in the neighbourhood.
“Next time,” a teacher who asked not to be named commented, “We’ll put all of the students under lockdown in braces so that they cannot actually bend. How much can 600 braces cost, anyway?”
She went on to say that the braces would be for the students’ own good: “If you bend down too quickly, you can wrench your back!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1306949800263440.xml]
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Latest Move By Toy Company Sure Paints A Picture
To bolster its relevance, toy company Mattel has released Queer Disabled Communist Feminist Latina Barbie.
“What? No!” said Miranda Dickey, Mattel’s Vice President of Bolstering Relevance. “We did no such thing! Where did you get the idea that -“
They named it Frida Kahlo Barbie.
“Oh,” Dickey responded. Then, her eyes widened and she added, “Oh!”
SOURCE: Playtoy Magazine
[http://www.playtoy.com/worldofplaytoy/hmh/news/mattel-hell-001.html]
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What’s The Point, Then?
“Instant Pot only as good as the cook”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1606531132]
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Experienced Masturbaters Need Not Apply
Product Innovation and Quality Tester. We’re looking for a highly motivated, passionate, detail-oriented man able to work with dolls with names like Maxine, Heidi, Cass and Dawn. Possession of your own penis is a must. At least 10 years of experience working with others necessary. APPLY TO: Silicone Sex World.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/140625.qrhtml]
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You Mean He Hisses And Spits And Will Scratch The Bejeesus Out Of You If You Try And Pick Him Up?
“Justin Trudeau is like a box of kittens.”
– Amazon.com review of the 2018 Justin Trudeau Calendar
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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6. If You Tickle Him In Just The Right Spot, He Laughs M&Ms
Five things you should know about new Doug Ford
1. His head is made of cabbages, lug nuts and grievance.
2. His idea of a romantic evening at home involves watching videos of news coverage of his brother Rob’s Toronto mayoralty and muttering, “They’ll pay. I’ll make them all pay!”
3. Every time he gets a new job, he buys a fresh jock strap to wear on his first day.
4. He only sold drugs when he was younger to pay his way through university. If he had known you didn’t need an education to become a politician, he would never have engaged in criminal behaviour.
5. He loves puppies, but if anybody acknowledges this publicly, he will hunt them down and kill them.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2018/March/Ford_Ahead.asp]
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Shopping Around For A New Explanation
JAMESON BERKOW: I’m speaking today with Todd Malarkey, the author of Shopping for a New Country: How Malls Made America What it is Today. Todd, welcome.
TODD MALARKEY: Good to be here, Jameson. Thank you for having me.
BERKOW: So, tell me, why do you think shopping malls across the country are dying?
MALARKEY: We are developing a generation of people in precarious work. Many people have to work two or three part-time jobs just to barely cover their rent and some other expenses, and are just a paycheck away from catastrophe. Fewer and fewer people have enough disposable income to make a trip to the mall worth doing.
BERKOW: So, competition from the Internet, then?
MALARKEY: I didn’t say that.
BERKOW: You implied it.
MALARKEY: I – I’m pretty sure I didn’t.
BERKOW: I read between the lines.
MALARKEY: Not the lines that I said.
BERKOW: So, you’re saying that discount stores like Walmart and Dollarama are eating into the earnings of shopping malls.
MALARKEY: No, I’m saying that increasing number of people who cannot afford luxury shopping are eating into the earning of shopping malls.
BERKOW: We’re basically saying the same thing.
MALARKEY: How do you figure that‽
BERKOW: We were both talking about “eating into the earnings of shopping malls.” Everything else was just minor details.
MALARKEY: Minor details‽ People not being able to afford to shop is not a minor detail!
BERKOW: But, you have to agree that the sharing economy is eating away at the earnings of shopping malls because people have to buy fewer new items.
MALARKEY: If I agree that that is a factor, will you acknowledge my point about falling incomes?
BERKOW: (considers) Anything is possible in a live interview.
MALARKEY: Next you’ll be telling me that the cause for the decline of shopping malls is that technological change has made shopping for certain goods irrelevant, that you don’t need cameras when your cellphone takes pictures.
BERKOW: (checks notes) Nuh…no, I wasn’t going to say that next.
MALARKEY: You weren’t?
BERKOW: That was actually third on my list of things to say.
MALARKEY: Oh, this is futile.
Malarkey gets up, throws his mike on the floor and stalks out of the studio.
BERKOW: Well, that certainly was enlightening!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227699]
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