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The Daily Me Staff
Where’s My Prednizone! Has Anybody Seen My Prednizone!
The provincial premiers blindsided the Prime Minister by suggesting a national pharmacare programme. It’s a good idea, too. Canadians are going to need cheap drugs when they see the cost to individuals of increasing numbers of privatized medical services.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Achmed Chalabi, who was America’s main source of information about Saddam Hussein’s weapons programmes, has been charged with counterfeiting Iraqi dinars. “Please,” Chalabi said of the charge, “if I wanted money, I would just ask my CIA handlers for it. If I was really strapped, I could always embezzle it from a Middle Eastern bank. These charges of counterfeiting are ridiculous!”
At the same time, Salem Chalabi, Achmed’s nephew, was charged with murder for his part in arranging a contract killing. Salem Chalabi, who is part of the tribunal set to charge Saddam Hussein with crimes against humanity, was in London when the charges were announced, and may not be returning to Iraq any time soon. This would make Hussein’s trial the first time in history that the judges conducted their case in absentia.
SOURCE: 44 Minutes, 30 Seconds
The federal government has announced that it will allow the United States to use data from NORAD to aid its ballistic missile interceptors (aka: Strategic Defense Initiative, Star Wars and “that incredible economic and military boondoggle”). Last week, the government admitted that it would allow the American defense system to work in Canadian air space. Despite this, Paul Martin insists that a decision to officially join the project has not been made by his government. Apparently, this means that the Liberals haven’t decided if they want to give Canadian soldiers permission to get coffee for American military personnel.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
– US President George W. Bush, August 5, 2004
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Birthing Government Policy Is Messy
I mean, how would President Bush explain it if one of his daughters got pregnant? He could never admit that his policy of preaching and teaching abstinence was a failure. There could only be one explanation: immaculate conception!
SOURCE: The Surrealist
The Road To Sainthood Has a Lot of Potholes
In Malawi, Africa, a Catholic priest and a nun have been caught having sex in a car at the airport. At first, the Vatican seemed prepared to denounce the couple, but it decided to praise them, instead, when it found out they weren’t using birth control.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Clear Skies Initiative: allowing corporations to spew more pollution into the atmosphere.
Leave No Child Behind Initiative: take money out of the public education system, especially from programmes for at risk and disabled children.
Department of Homeland Security: keeps putting out alerts that make people in the homeland feel less secure.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Insert “Medium is the Message” Pun Here
A stretch of St. Joseph Street between Bay and Queen’s Park Crescent is to be renamed Marshall McLuhan Way. As the late media guru may have said, “A street is not merely a conveyor belt for commuter conveyances, but it may be the most effective way we have of cleaning out the human colon.”
Or, not.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Terrorism Is A State of Mind…Like Indiana
Congresswoman Katherine Harris has told newspapers that half of Carmel, Indiana was blown up by terrorists, but that if not for some quick thinking by police and intelligence agencies, the whole state may have been destroyed.
“I’m not sure what she’s going on about,” Carmel resident Ignatzcio Bechtel stated. “I’ve asked around, and nobody here has heard about an explosion that blew up half the city.”
In response, Harris’ office has issued a press release saying, “I am obviously not at liberty to divulge any more details of the attack – they are classified and I wouldn’t want to harm national security in any way.”
President Bush, who has come down hard on leaks from Congress, said he would take serious action against Harris. With a wink, he told reporters: “We cannot have people willy nilly giving out classified information…even if it makes us look good…and no serious damage was done…”
“So, this is what it’s like being dead,” Bechtel said. “I had heard it was something like living in Indiana. I think I’m gonna take the day off work and get sh*tf*ced.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
I See Nozzink – I Know NOZZINK!
Porter Goss, President George W. Bush’s nominee to head the Central Intelligence Agency, was a 10 year veteran spy who was involved in, among other things, planning the Bay of Pigs invasion. It’s good to know that, if he’s ratified by the Senate, the CIA will have a head who can continue the agency’s honoured traditions of blind xenophobia and general incompetence.
The White House says that Goss’ long service for the Republican Party would in no way compromise his effectiveness as head of the CIA. And, besides, Bush’s back pocket is a cozy place from which to conduct spy business.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Sea Turtles Have a Better Sex Life Than You Do
A pair of giant sea turtles who live at the National Sea Life Centre in Birmingham, England, have been given their own masseuse. However, the masseuse will be fully clothed, and has a contractual commitment that she will not have to give the turtles rub downs below the…uhh…wherever giving a turtle a rub-down would be naughty.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Where Is the FCC When You Need It?
“I never actually served with John Kerry, but I heard from a friend of the quartermaster who worked a few miles up river from where Kerry was stationed that he used to bum cigarettes from other soldiers. What kind of a man does that? Didn’t he know that there was a war on and that sacrifices had to be made?”
“I never actually served with John Kerry, but I did pass by his boat on a river one time and saw him for three seconds. Kerry was smiling. What kind of a man smiles in the middle of a war? Didn’t he know that war was hell?”
“I never actually served with John Kerry. But, I’ve been told that he hoarded his beer and bogarted joints. I mean, what kind of soldier does that? Didn’t he know that a unit is only as strong as the connections between soldiers – if you can’t trust the man next to you to pass you a lit doobie, how can you trust him with your life on the battlefield?”
JOHN KERRY – how much of a war hero was he? Really?
This ad paid for by the Committee To Vilify George W. Bush’s Opponents.
SOURCE: BBDS&M