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The Daily Me Staff
Because Everybody Wants To Keep The Absurd Ironyometer Happy
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has been announcing spending on such things as urban transit and the environment in anticipation of an election. Head of the Nutcase Conservative Coalition (NCC) Stephen Harper called such federal spending a way Liberals bribed Canadians with their own money. The Absurd Ironyometer wavers, certain that this can only get better.
Members of the Liberal Party accuse the Conservatives of bribing Canadians with their own money, blissfully ignoring the fact that they perfected the technique. The Absurd Ironyometer wonders if it has wandered into a hall of mirrors. But, in a good way.
The federal surplus that Harper is using to fund his spending spree was developed and maintained by a decade of fiscally responsible Liberal governments. The Absurd Ironyometer’s head spins happily.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Did Nobody Think To Check Her Passport?
“Personal Focus: dedicated to exploring the quality of Canadians’ lives
“ PERSONAL QUESTIONS: MARIEL HEMINGWAY”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1326583033]
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Blame Donatella Versace
MONDAY: Ironing is a terrorist plot. No, seriously. While all our attention is focused on getting the wrinkles out of our clothes, terrorists are getting closer and closer to blowing up laundromats. DON’T LET IT HAPPEN! STOP IRONING AND START WATCHING YOUR NEIGHBOURS MORE CLOSELY!
TUESDAY: Why would I want to watch television on a cellphone? I rarely want to watch television on television!
WEDNESDAY: I had a friend whose acne was so bad she paid a ton of money for a regimen that promised to give her “healthy looking skin.” It gave her skin cancer. On the other hand, all of the mourners at her funeral said her complexion was gorgeous.
THURSDAY: DEATH TO SPOILERS! (What? I take Guitar Hero seriously!)
FRIDAY: I don’t know. Tying somebody to a board and pushing them backwards until their head is under running water and they feel like they’re gonna drown sure sounds like torture to me. But, what do I know? I used to think having to wait more than 30 seconds to have my credit card run through the system was torture.
SATURDAY: I can’t believe I had to give my mother the lecture about starving children in Africa! But, I don’t care how stale that bun was getting, it was chocolate!
SUNDAY: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the Democrats they needed to campaign from the centre.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Or, They Could Have Taken Them To Saw III
The US Navy has given a contract to a company to develop an invisible beam that would incapacitate every person in a room by inducing disorientation and vomiting. They could have saved a ton of money if they just took people on the Quassey Monster Roller Coaster.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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If You Eat Fruit Salad, The Terrorists Will Have Won
Chiquita Brands admitted in federal court that it paid Colombian terrorists for years to protect its most profitable business. That means that if you like to cut a banana into your breakfast cereal, you support terrorists.
Fruit loving bastard.
The Homeland Security Department is considering laying charges, but it isn’t ready to go after the half of American households that buy bananas, so it has decided to charge high profile offenders. These include: silent film stars who slip on banana peels, Carmen Miranda and King Kong.
I never trusted that hairy ape.
Representatives of Kong have admitted that their client had a 50 banana a day habit, but that he didn’t know that it supported terrorism, and, anyway, he’s been in rehab and he’s much better now. Yeah, right. We’ll see how long it takes before he’s back climbing the Empire State building!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2933,97206,00.html]
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That’s Not A Real Quote!
Democrats “should not turn right-wing conspiracy theorists into prophets by promiscuously initiating investigations of the Bush administration, corporations or other tempting targets for televised inquisitions. Responsible oversight is needed, but partisan show trials have a way of backfiring.”
– Los Angeles Times, now
“Clinton? Sex? It’s a no brainer! Subpoena! Subpoena! Subpoena! Get his records! Get Hillary’s records! Get their hairdresser’s records! We don’t know what he did, but we know it’s really horribly bad, so dig, dig, dig until you come up with it!”
– pretty much everybody, then
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Oh, Get A Grip On Yourself! No, Wait –!
We wanted to write a heart-warming, lengthy, multi-part article on the descendants of the slaves who fled to Canada to seek their freedom. Can you imagine it? Running in the dead of night from people who would whip you to within an inch of your life if they knew that you no longer accepted them as your master? The long days with precious little to eat. Never knowing for sure who would be willing to help you get closer to freedom and who would turn you over to a lynch mob. Gripping stuff.
Unfortunately, Black History Month is over, so this story will have to wait for some other time.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2007-03-15-wait-4-kwanzaa_x.htm]
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Charlie Don’t (Web) Surf
The Main Street Self-Defense Manual: A Citizen’s Guide to Intelligent Living
Charles Manson
CharlesAtlasBooks
258 pages
$14.50
These days, it seems that there are more books by mass murderers than there are people alive. What makes The Main Street Self-Defense Manual stand out is its byline.
“Yes, I am that Charles Manson,” the author confesses in the book’s introduction.
And, what is the human personification of evil’s strategy for living? Don’t. “Stay in your home and have as little contact as possible with the outside world,” Manson writes. “That’s the only way you can truly be safe from other people. At least, until they invade your home. But, uhh, that’s not likely to happen.”
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.18/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Canada – Love It Or…Don’t Feel So Strongly About It…That’s Okay, Too…
Differences between Canadians and Americans, #327: American Idol pits ordinary people against each other to see who will become a celebrity. Test The Nation: IQ pits ordinary people against each other to see who would make the best high school teacher.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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