Thank you, J. Freedom du Lac, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized all of the implications contained in the phrase “creamy white discharge.”
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Stephen Harper, Couples Councilor
Dear Stephen,
I used to have a great relationship with my friend, Georgie W. The long photo op walks through carefully choreographed woods. Talking on the red phone until the sun came up. We looked into each other’s souls and liked what we saw. Yes, we were that close. However, lately, he has done some pretty provocative things, things that make me question his commitment to our relationship. The last straw was when he announced that he intended to erect a missile defense shield in Poland and the Czech Republic. Clearly, he wants to cramp my style by hemming me in militarily. How could such a beautiful thing turn so sour so quickly?
Vlad
Dear Vlad,
Suck it up, dude. You’re way overreacting. Since the times of the cavemen, when the first stone shield was used to ward off blows from the first bone club, men have put enormous energy into building strong barriers between them and the world. You’re not going to change millions of years of evolution. Instead of worrying your pretty little head over it, you should try to figure out why you’re so concerned about such an obvious and natural development.
Stephen
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/10809602574786cahs01.html]
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So, Uhh, Don’t?
“It’s exhausting to watch celebrities self-destruct”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1996556222]
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You Think Shakespeare Would Ever Write A Play About A Guy Named Scooter?
“Mister Libby was the poster child for all that has gone wrong with this terrible war. He has fallen from public grace. It is a tragic, tragic fall.”
– Lewis Libby lawyer Theodore Wells, on the news that Libby had been sentenced to 30 months in prison for his role in the Valerie Plame scandal
TRAGIC: adjective. 1 extremely distressing or sad. 2 suffering extreme distress or sadness. 3 relating to tragedy in a literary work.
– Compact Oxford English Dictionary
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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If He’s Very Good, He’ll Get An Airport Named After Him
Top nine ways Republican Presidential candidate Fred Thompson can inherit the mantle of Republican President Ronald Reagan:
9. Make ringing speeches about not negotiating with terrorists while secretly cutting deals with them (heeeellllooooo Iran!).
8. Pretend to go deaf so that you can pretend not to hear questions you don’t want to answer. If he’s truly a method actor, Thompson can actually go deaf, but it’s not necessary as the effect is the same.
7. Go to Israel and declare, “Mister Prime Minister, tear down this wall!” Hell, if plans progress far enough, Thompson can mosey on over to the Mexico border and demand that he, himself tear down the wall.
6. Two words: jelly beans.
5. Make fun of the Democrats’ profligate spending while ballooning the federal deficit to record proportions.
4. Preach liberty abroad while diminishing it at home. Assuming, of course, that President Bush leaves any of the Constitution left for Thompson to diminish.
3. Recruit Oliver North to set up secret operations to destabilize foreign governments you don’t like, going against the express will of Congress.
2. In speeches, confuse his time playing a DA on Law and Order with actually being a DA.
1. Fall asleep in important briefings.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
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It Can’t Be Both?
Jon Lovitz has announced that he has signed a contract to appear at the Laugh factory every Wednesday night for the rest of his life. This is definitely hell, but we don’t know if its for Lovitz or the audience.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2007/2007/05/30/wholelovitzshakingoingon/]
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Where Could We Possibly Have Gotten That Idea, I Wonder?
“My sin: I attended a conference in a Muslim nation on the Holocaust entitled The Review of the Holocaust: Global Vision. It took place in Tehran, Iran, in December 2006, and it was widely – and erroneously – described in the western media as a ‘Holocaust-denial conference.’”
– Shiraz Dossa, defending giving a paper at a conference on the Holocaust
“Some European countries insist on saying Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if someone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail…we don’t accept this claim…”
– Iranian President and Holocaust conference sponsor Mahmoud Ahmadenijad
“All the studies and research carried out so far have proven that there is no reason to believe that the Holocaust ever occurred and that it is only a tale.”
– Ali Akbar Mohtashamipour, former Iranian interior minister, one of the founders of the Lebanese militia Hezbollah and speaker at the conference
“I question whether 6 million Jews actually died in Nazi death camps. There are two major sources for Holocaust stories. One is the Nuremburg war-crimes trial, which has been shown by all honest historians to be a farce of justice. Another source is the great body of literature and media work, and at least 90% of that material is from biased Jewish sources.”
– David Duke, former Ku Klux Klan leader and speaker at the conference
“The alleged Hitlerian gas chambers and the alleged genocide of the Jews form one and the same historical lie, which permitted a gigantic financial swindle whose chief beneficiaries have been the State of Israel and international Zionism, and whose main victims have been the German people and the Palestinian people as a whole.”
– Robert Faurisson, speaker at the conference
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Never Minding Is What Got Us Into This Mess In The First Place
What’s all this I hear about Americans’ big icky footprints being responsible for horrible things happening in the world? It’s not like we go out of our way to walk in mud or…or toxic waste or anything. Ooh. And, even those who do don’t do it barefoot, you know. They wear work boots or those cute little white hazmat suit booties. They have something on their feet, so how could they leave footprints? And, what’s all this about big American footprints? Is there some sort of international survey that shows that American feet are bigger than other country’s feet? That seems like simple anti-American prejudice, if you ask me. And, even if we did have such big feet, how would that cause hurricanes and global warming and – what? WHAT? WHAT? Eco footprint? Not icky footprint? Oh. That’s different and…and kind of bad.
Never mind.
SOURCE: The Emily Litella Remembered Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/EmilyRemembered]
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