Dear Iveta Schlustrup. We’re sorry that we did not manage to put out a Daily Me this week. As you may have seen on the news, one of the members of our fine staff went a little funny in the head, brought a machine gun to the office and started indiscriminately shooting his fellow staff members. We don’t know what pressures led him to this mad act, but we suspect joke emails were involved.
A lesson for us all.
We are currently working with a skeleton crew to put out your Daily Me – which, we feel certain you will understand, may not come every day. However, if our medical benefits plan doesn’t bankrupt the company, we will use this unfortunate event as an opportunity to explore the new perspectives that an abrupt 83 per cent staff turnover can provide.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Management
Hard To Imagine Any Other Reason
Okay, let me see if I understand this correctly. The Glob and Maul had an editorial that chastised the Canadian government for securing the social security system by raising the payroll tax. Instead, the newspaper lauded the American government for partially privatizing their social security system. Oh, sure, it will add a trillion dollars or more to the budget deficit in the short term, and many people will lose their futures through bad investments. This will happen in order to solve a problem that won’t actually arise until 2042 at the earliest, and, even then, won’t be that serious because the fund would still be able to pay out 80% of benefits. But, the American solution is preferable because at least they won’t directly raise taxes.
Hey, editorial board of the Glob and Maul – are you on crack?
SOURCE: Are You On Crack?
I Was At A Boxing Match And A Contract Negotiation Broke Out
It’s official. The National Hockey League season has been cancelled. And, in homes throughout the United States, men have begun to ask themselves one all consuming question: which of the Desperate Housewives is the sexiest?
This is not a failure. It’s a rebranding opportunity.
But, wait! Negotiations are back on! The professional hockey season might be saved! If so, it will consist of three days of regular season play and three months of playoffs. I can feel the excitement being strangled in its crib already – can you?
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
We Know What Our Readers Really Care About
Arthur Miller died at the age of 89. He was best known for his brief marriage to 1950s sex goddess Marilyn Monroe. He also wrote some plays.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Hold A Run-off Election…
Top Shia politicians failed to reach a consensus on who to nominate for Prime Minister of Iraq, and have had to resort to a secret ballot. The choice is between Dr. Ibrahim al-Jaafari, leader of the religious Dawa Party, and Achmed Chalabi, leader of the – WHAT? Achmed Chalabi, the guy who steals from banks and passes along important information to Iran, is still around? I mean, the American government washed its hands of him last year, and it’s not like they’re all that picky about who they install as the leaders of their fiefdoms. What does that tell you?
Achmed Chalabi, ladies and gentlemen – the Energizer Bunny of Iraqi politics. After the entire Middle East has been destroyed in a nuclear war, he’ll still be hoping to run Iraq. Of course, his main competition will be cockroaches – and they’ll probably need a run-off vote to determine the winner then, too.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
Giving The Word “Retard” A Whole New Lease On Life
Scientists are currently debating the health hazards of an increase in polybrominated diphenyl ethers (PBDEs) in a wide variety of foods consumed by human beings. Some argue it’s a health hazard; others argue that it’s a flavour enhancer. There seems to be a growing consensus, though, that the increase in flame retardants in food will result in a marked decrease in spontaneous human combustion.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
You Can’t Be Too Subtle – We Are Talking About Bigots, Here
The corollary to the American Military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy on homosexuality seems to be “do tell, do expel.” While an obvious human rights violation, this does open up interesting possibilities for those who object to doing their military duty in places like Iraq: limpen your wrist and loudly and often proclaim your love for Judy Garland and Broadway musicals. You should be out of the military in no time.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
When Hookers Complete Mergers, They Don’t Get Anywhere Near That Amount
The outside directors of Molson Inc. awarded themselves $50,000 cash bonuses, called “merger completion payments,” when the company’s shareholders voted to merge with Adolph Coors Co. As Woody Allen might have said, I don’t want to own a corporation, I just want to sell it.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
In The Mood…For Heavy Construction
Top 9 songs that will kill the mood while having sex. Destroy it, actually.
9. “Loser,” by Beck
8. “A Spoonful of Sugar,” by Julie Andrews
7. “Pigs on the Wing,” by Pink Floyd
6. “Venus,” by Bananarama
5. “Mellow Yellow,” by Donovan
4. “Dear God,” by XTC
3. “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby
2. “Mr. Roboto” by Styx
1. “Revolution 9” by The Beatles
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
Maybe If They Had Put Smiley Faces On The Bulldozers…
The Israeli Defence Minister has put a stop to the controversial policy of demolishing the homes of Palestinians. A review of the policy by the army found that it fanned the flames of Palestinian hatred towards Israelis. The army review also found that people don’t like having their fingers broken with rocks, the sun rises in the east and felaffel tastes better with hot sauce. The working title of the report is: “You May Think It’s Obvious, But You Can Overlook The Simplest Things In The Middle Of A War, So Cut Us Some Slack Here.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
It has been the hot watercooler topic for just over a week: is Marcia Cross (Bree Van De Camp) the real life transsexual cast member of the hit show Desperate Housewives? After much speculation by even traditional news outlets, Cross’ publicist finally issued a release saying, “No.”
Somebody needs to get a life. A lot of somebodies, actually.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now