Thank you, Ignominia Dewlap, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard about a worker who was found dead in their office cubicle four days after they last scanned in for a shift. And we wondered: Are we still alive? Or, are we dead and we’re just imagining still being at work? Guess we’ll find out on Tuesday…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Politics A La Cart
In Florida, a golf cart parade for Donald Trump running east on State ran into a golf cart parade for Kamala Harris going south on Main. There was much honking of horns and shaking of fists. I won’t kid you: some angry Yiddish was exchanged.
People on both sides rattled their walkers menacingly, but nobody actually appeared to be contemplating a more violent action. Around one o’clock, everybody checked their watches, fished in their bags, took out pill holders and swallowed drugs. Then, members of both sides went back to their walker rattling.
Neither side wanted to change its planned route, which made for an impasse that lasted several hours. At four o’clock, both sides agreed to turn off rather than try to continue the way they had intended to go because nobody wanted to be late for dinner and Golden Girls.
This is how elections are fought these days.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2024-09-01-the-political-golf-widens_x.htm]
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But Is The Pressure On Netanyahu’s Ear Drum Enough To Cause Him To Change Course?
After the discovery of the dead bodies of six hostages in Gaza, tens of thousands of Israelis took to the streets to protest the Netanyahu government’s prioritization of eliminating Hamas over freeing the remaining hostages. Outrage was especially acute because the release of three of the dead hostages was part of a ceasefire agreement that had been proposed over a month ago.
Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu raised his head from the map of the West Bank he and his generals were poring over to ask, “Does anybody hear a buzzing sound? Or, is it just me? I could swear there is buzzing coming from outside. Is there any way we can soundproof this room? We have a new phase of the war to work on!”
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1068772485155]
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Words No Longer Have Meaning
Donald J. Trump
@realDonaldTrump
My administration will be great for women and their reproductive rights.
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/and-if-you-believe-that/]
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That…That May Not Be As Bad As…As Bad As You Think
My Nephew’s High School Newspaper Has Won Regional Awards!
Norwegian princess Martha Louise and American self-proclaimed shaman Durek Verrett were wed on a scenic fjord called Geiranger. As social media influencers, reality stars and TV personalities gathered to celebrate the wedding, the rest of us were reminded that most brides and grooms have to settle.
YOU WANT: To sell the photo rights to the wedding to Hello! and the film rights to Netflix.
YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: Selling the photo rights to the wedding to your local newspaper and the film rights to The Comedy Network
YOU’LL GET: selling the photo rights to the wedding to your nephew’s high school newspaper and the film rights to Shudder.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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You Are The Heir To A Fine Intellectual History – Own It! (For Only $499 A Course!)
Are you sick and tired of being told that you are the cause of everything that is wrong with the world just because you were born white, Christian and male? Of course you are! Who wouldn’t be? Haven’t you always dreamed of studying at an academic institution where eternal truths are taught free from the politically correct biases of modern academic fads? Of course you have! Who wouldn’t?
The Peterson Academy is the school you’ve been looking for all these years and didn’t even know it.
At the Peterson Academy, you’ll be able to take one or all of 18 courses which include:
- Vegan Cooking: so much healthier for you than vaccines!
- The Ancient Greek Environment: when philosophy was being developed from first principles and men and women knew their place.
- The Modern Online Environment: stoking grievance for fun and profit.
The Peterson Academy, where freedom of thought is not just a slogan, it’s the basis of a financial empire!
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962738764715380-2cahs01.html]
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How So Many Lives Can Fit Into Such A Small Creature Is A Wonder Of Science!
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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If Irony Is Dead, Trump May Have Pulled The Trigger, But Putin Supplied Him With The Gun
“What kind of negotiations can we talk about with people who indiscriminately attack the civilian population and civilian infrastructure, or try to create threats to nuclear power facilities?”
– Russian President Vladimir Putin explaining why he has no plans on negotiating an end to his war on Ukraine
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Don’t Know – Looks Like You’re Gonna Need A Bigger Theory!
Since July 21, at least 16 people have been injured in dolphin attacks in beaches off Japan’s coast. There are several ideas about how best to deal with this problem.
Marine biologist Ryoichi Matsushita, for example, says the problem is that the dolphins have been spending too much time hanging around sharks. “The sharks lend them cigarettes and teach them aggressive habits,” Matsushita explained. “What we need is to create a public service announcement warning dolphins that swimming with sharks could be bad for their long-term health.”
Marine biologist Ryoichi Reikiseiko disagreed. He suspects that there is only a single dolphin who is sexually frustrated. “In that case,” Reikiseiko suggested, “our best course of action would be to teach it to go online and join an incel chat group.”
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=547]
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You Thought Gus Van Sant’s Shot-For-Shot Remake Killed The Bates Motel?
Don’t You Know Great Serial Killer Settings Can’t Be Killed?
Young people who travel across America are increasingly being drawn towards its roadside motels, reinvigorating what had been a dying part of the country’s culture. This leads to the question: who should play Norman Bates in the inevitable remake of Psycho?
My first choice would be Joaquin Phoenix, but having excelled in The Joker, I’m afraid he may already be too typecast. Benedict Cumberbatch has the whole icy intellect thing down pat, and he has the right thin, hawk-like appearance, but I’m afraid he may be too old.
I’m going to go with Patton Oswalt.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2024/2024/08/30/innitforthemoney/]
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