Thank you, Ichabod Cranium, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, one of the prosecutors on Robert Mueller’s team reportedly informed President Trump that he was a subject of the Special Counsel’s investigation, but that he wasn’t a target. A subject, not a target. Subject. Not target. Trump tweeted that he was thrilled that he wasn’t a target of the investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 American election, which proved his innocence. Fox News on-air puddle of misanthropy Sean Hannity echoed that because the President was innocent, he was not a target of the Special Counsel’s investigation. Then, President Trump repeated Sean Hannity’s echo of his assertion that not being a target = innocence.
And, we thought, Does nobody remember when President Trump was crowing that he was not a suspect in the investigation? We know the news cycle is now faster than the speed of sound (no, those sonic booms you’ve been hearing during newscasts were not Gord’s commentary on the state of the world), but come on, people! That was only yesterday!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Nine Out Of Ten Doctors Agree: FEMA Gives Fast, Fast Relief Of Hurricane Aches And Pains!
Enrique Nolopenzolo looked at the rubble that was once his home. “The, uhh, you see over there?” he pointed at a pile of rubbish made of bricks and wood mixed in with feathers that could have come from a comforter. “I’m pretty sure when we left, there were more bricks and…and my daughter Influenza’s crushed Frozen inaction figures have been cleared away. That’s progress, I guess.”
Five months after Hurricane Maria devastated Puerto Rico, families are slowly returning to the…less than a state, more than a hole in the ground. When President Trump tweeted, “Great progress in rebuilding after illegal Hurricane Maria! Border wall would have stopped it, but you know whos are blocking it!!! heckuva job, fema! Looking good, Puerto Pimlico!” many Puerto Ricans took it to mean that they would have homes to return to.
“Oh! There! There!” Nolopenzolo exclaimed, pointing towards a different, less feathery pile of rubble. When I said I couldn’t see anything, he pointed more frantically at the pile. “There!” he shouted. “Over there! Look!” Shaking my head made him sigh exasperatedly and state: “It’s a light! They’ve restored electricity to this party of the city!”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was probably a firefly.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2018Apr01.html]
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If It Ever Gets To Court, Will The Case Involve Project Anecdotal Evidence?
A Canadian researcher who filed a freedom of information request about an RCMP investigation called Project Anecdote has been told that Library and Archives Canada will give him the files after it has reviewed them. All 780,000 of them. He has been told that this will take about 80 years, roughly the average lifespan of a Canadian citizen.
“You really want to get your freedom of information requests in early,” advised Library and Archives spokesperson Dino Roberge. “Kindergarten might already be too late – try when you’re still in diapers. And, since you probably…won’t get a second chance, make sure you ask for the documents you really need!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20180412.eladnational0412_@/BNStory/newsOops2018/]
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Tit For Tat And Pretty Soon We’re All Blind
Chris Wallace, who isn’t a journalist but plays one on Fox News – badly – said that he was surprised at how “bitchy” former FBI director James Comey’s new book, A Higher Loyalty, was.
In response, Comey said that he was surprised by how much Trump had made Wallace his bitch.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2018-04-15-comey-one-comey-all_x.htm]
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You Can’t Argue With Logic Like That
No, Seriously, Don’t Try – It Will Just Hurt Your Head
According to Gaza officials, one Palestinian was killed and more than 200 were wounded when Israeli troops opened fire on a gathering of thousands of people protesting along the Gaza-Israeli border.
When asked why the Israeli army was authorized to use deadly force against the protesters, Israeli General Yuri ben Schmatta explained, “The Palestinians are making us look bad!
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1168021595725]
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“They Would Have Wanted Us To Talk Or Something – Like Diplomacy Has Ever Won Us Votes!”
American Vice President Mike Pence, who was supposed to be in Peru but was able to appear in the White House to attend a photo op with the President about the successful bombing of Syria (veteran political reporters believe that teleportation may have been involved), teleported (see?) to Ottawa to hold a brief press conference in which he thanked Canada for its role in the air raid on Syria.
When it was pointed out that Canada hadn’t actually taken part in the air raid on Syria, Vice President Pence responded, “That’s what we’re grateful for. Bunch of Boy Scouts!”
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2018Apr12.html]
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Which Will Be Colder And Deader Approximately Twelve Years Earlier Than If You Accepted A Plant-based Diet
If US farmers took all of the land they devote to raising cattle, pigs and chickens and used it to grow plants, they could feed more than twice as many people, according to a recent report.
Hah!” snorted Billy-Ray Gunn, a diner at the Beef and Bacon-orama outside Missouli, Mississippi. “They’ll get my bacon double cheese triple beef burger when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers!”
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=493]
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Ontario Conservative leader Doug Ford looks into a mirror. His skin has an odd orange tinge. His yellow hair is combed into a sharp point. And, he thinks to himself, This job, man! Some days, I just don’t recognize myself!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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The First Foreign Cut Is The Deepest
Almost two years ago, Britain cut off its nose to spite its face. Now, it turns out it couldn’t even do the job properly itself.
Britain went to the Clinique Freres-Zatapatique in northern France to get the nosectomy done. It used a little known provision of the National Health Act that quietly outsources some surgeries to three hospitals in France.
“Oh, mon dieu!” exclaimed British Labour leader Jeremy Korecyclinbin (who, as far as anybody knows, has never flirted with a Frenchwoman, much less her accent), “The government of Theresa Caulmimaybebabe can’t even get self-mutilation right!”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32972641876641300087fx]
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