Thank you, Honesto Bender, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, on the occasion of the July 4th weekend, we mused on the irony that the United States was founded on abhorrence of a tax on tea, and Americans don’t even drink that beverage any more! Oh, sure, some of us drench herbs in hot water and call it tea, but let’s be honest: that bears as much resemblance to a good orange pekoe as ursa major bears to an actual bear!
If we want to reaffirm our independence, we should be celebrating dumping grande
mocha frappuccinos in Boston Harbour!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You Can Be Naive That Way
All The Government Has To Do Is Wave Its Lashes At You, And You’re Putty In Its Hands
Say your country is bombing the shit out of countries far away because, you know, reasons. When your country tells you how many civilians have been killed in such aerial attacks, should you believe them? Oh, sure – you probably believed the government when it told you, “Don’t worry. I’ll pull out before I do something you’ll regret,” too!
Let’s assume that the government is not telling the truth about how many innocent people it has killed in your name because, you know, public outrage and reasons. How can you determine the true number of civilian casualties your government has caused? Fortunately, there is a simple formula to calculate that:
Where:
cc = civilian casualties
r = the maximum number of reported civilian casualties
e = the minimum number of reported enemy combatant casualties
RC = the Rumsfeld Coefficient, 1 or 2, that reflects how badly civilian casualties caused by an air strike would make the government look, with 1 being advancing on the White House with pitchforks and torches badly and 2 being meh badly
If you’re a typical graduate of an American public school, you probably have a migraine just looking at what’s between the brackets, so perhaps an example is in order. A recent report by United States National Intelligence Director James Clapper claimed that as many as 116 civilians and at least 2,372 enemies had been killed in American drone strikes over seven years. Assuming that mass killings in the US were the focus of the public’s attention at the time the report was released, making the RC 2, the actual number of civilian deaths would be closer to 975.
Is this the true number? Wouldn’t everybody like to know?
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=877&dir=bb]
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You’ll Get My Beach Umbrella When The Wind Pries It From My Cold, Cold, Freezing Cold Fingers
A Virginia woman was killed after being struck by an umbrella. Apparently, the wind was so strong that the tip of the umbrella fatally gored her stomach.
Republicans immediately started distributing t-shirts that read, “Beach umbrellas don’t kill people, gusts of wind kill people.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2016-06-15-just-in-time-for-summer_x.htm]
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Or A Republican Is Elected President
Or A New Ice Age Destroys Human Civilization
Two years and $7 million later, the House investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in Benghazi concluded that there is strong evidence that another committee needs to be struck.
“We have yet to find definitive proof that Clinton was directly responsible for the deaths of four American soldiers in Benghazi,” stated House Select Committee Chair Trey Gowdy. “It is clear that the Democrats are very good at covering their tracks, but absence of evidence is not…it is not evident…fool me…shame on you!”
When it was pointed out that this was the eighth committee House Republicans have struck on this issue without finding anything, Gowdy responded, “Oh, they’re good, those Democrats. I’ll give them that. But, we’re gonna keep striking committees and keep looking into this issue until we find what they’re hiding!”
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2016/06/29/national/main542815.shtml]
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Justice Empty Chair Refused To Render An Opinion
In a 5-3 decision, the Supreme Court has rejected a Texas law that would require women to have a finger cut off for every abortion they wanted to have.
“How can this…this…this form of mutilation possibly be construed as being of any benefit whatsoever to the health of the mother?” Justice Stephen Breyer wrote for the majority.
“Pfft! This decision exemplifies the court’s troubling tendency to cry like little babies and run to their mommies when any effort to limit abortion, no matter how minor or well-considered, is at issue,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote in the dissent of the decision. “Obviously, that would be one less finger that a child could bite, causing an infection that would turn gangrenous thanks to an antibiotic resistant bug, causing the need for the entire hand of the mother to be amputated. The majority wants America’s mothers to raise their children single-handedly, and it calls conservatives heartless!
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Meet The New Gang Of Four
Brexit: Next Exit
Nigel Farage
Would always disparage
The workable marriage
Between Britain and the EU.
But it was David Cameron
A true political moron
Who brought down Gotterdammerung
On everyone he knew.
Boris Johnson
May have felt like Charles Bronson,
But the Brexit vote proved to be his swan song:
When he realized the damage he’d done, he flew.
Michael Gove
Is a vile old cove
Who is hard to love
Would you trust him to build the world anew?
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/708.html]
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I Don’t Know How I Feel About This Interview…
CHRIS MATTHEWS sits in the studio, talking to an UNIDENTIFIED GUEST in a little box in the corner of a screen.
SUPER TITLE: Chris Matthews, Host, Oddball
MATTHEWS: It’s a terrible, terrible, tragedy. Unidentified Guest, what must be going through the minds of the victims?
UNIDENTIFIED GUEST: Nothing, I would imagine, considering that they are dead.
MATTHEWS: Right. Okay. Uuuuuhhhhh…fair point. But, the survivors and their families – what must be going through their minds?
UNIDENTIFIED GUEST: How would I know? I’m an international trade negotiator, not a mind-reader!
MATTHEWS: Yes, but you’re also a human being, however loosely defined. So, you must have some idea of what goes on in the minds of people who have gone through this experience, right?
UNIDENTIFIED GUEST: I’ve never been through this experience.
MATTHEWS: You seem defensive. What’s going through your mind right now?
GUEST: Right now?
MATTHEWS: This very second.
GUEST: That you’re an idiot who doesn’t know how to ask questions that will actually prompt your guests to give you new information?
MATTHEWS: Finally, some new information!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227672]
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