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The Daily Me Staff
I Know I’m Grateful
For political comedy writers, Billary is just the gift that keeps on giving, aren’t they?
On the campaign trail, Bill said: “I think it would be a great thing if we had an election year where you had two people who loved this country and were devoted to the interest of this country.” No, he’s not talking about Britney Spears and P. Diddy, he’s talking about Hillary and John McCain.
Oh, why don’t the three of them get a room, already? It could have magic fingers for Bill and a heart monitor for John – you know, in case things got too heavy and they had to call in his medical team. Defibrillator is probably a good idea, too. And, of course, an uncomfortable wooden chair on which Hillary could sit in a corner and watch, telling anybody who would listen that she could do it better than either Bill or John.
And, what exactly is the implication in not naming Barack Obama in this lovefest? That he doesn’t love his country? That he is not interested in pursuing America’s interests? The man sure has a funny way of showing it.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Because, If It Was Thrown In The Thames, It Could Be Swallowed By A Fish, Which Was Subsequently Caught; It Could Then Be Found When The Fish Was Gutted, Rushed To The Hospital And Reattached
Hearing that wine maker Ilja Gort had insured his nose with Lloyd’s of London for $8 million, a gang of thieves cut it off and threatened to throw it in the Thames if they weren’t given a million dollar ransom.
It’s just this sort of lack of bad planning that gives criminals such a bad name.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2008/03/20/508627.html]
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Which Of These Things Is Not Like The Others?
Science fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke died after suffering breathing problems. He was 90. And, perhaps it’s just as well – if he hadn’t died, the disappointment of the monoliths not appearing in 2010 would probably have killed him. There is no truth to the rumour that his ashes will be put in synchronous orbit above the earth.
Oscar winning director Anthony Minghella died of complications from recent surgery for cancer of the tonsils and neck. He was 54. Will Minghella be missed? Truly. Madly. Deeply.
Actor Ivan Dixon died of complications from kidney failure. He was 76. Although he started acting on Broadway and went on to direct in television shows, he is probably best known for playing Staff Sergeant Kinchloe in Hogan’s Heroes. And, you’re depressed about how you’ll be remembered after you’re gone?
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Old Body, Old Maid?
“New Body, True Love”
– headline on the cover of People
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1374923438]
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It’s Like Harper Hopelessness, Only Without The Blueberry Confetti
Flaherty Fatigue: the condition of having exhausted all means of satirizing Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s attacks on Ontario even though he continues making them. EXAMPLE OF USAGE: “I wanted to make fun of the statement that Ontario was on the way to becoming a ‘have not’ province, but I found I had a terrible case of Flaherty Fatigue.”
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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And, Yet, Three Out Of Four Is A Better Average Than Most Globe Columnists
“Think the Liberals triumphed on by-election night? Think again”
– Globe and Mail headline over an opinion piece about four federal by-elections
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376528738]
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There’s Enough Oppression To Go Around
Supporters of Hillary Clinton have argued that their candidate should be the Democratic party’s nominee because oppression of women in the United State is worse than oppression of blacks. This is fundamentally, blatantly unfair. To white males.
White men are a highly intelligent, highly creative group. When we put our minds to something, we can achieve great things. And, I am here to tell you, we are more than capable of oppressing women and blacks at the same time with equal ferocity!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2953,96257,00.html]
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Really? No. I Would Feel Silly. Are You Sure? Well, Okay…If You’re Sure…Kate Beckinsale Has Buttock Implants
“I don’t care if they say I have buttock implants, or not. Go ahead.”
– Kate Beckinsale has reconciled herself to being famous
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Confess! I Confess…That I’m Confused! Can Somebody Please Tell Me What’s Going On?
A judge in the military case against Omar Khadr has reserved judgment on whether or not to allow a confession by a Guantanamo inmate claiming that he threw the bomb that killed an American soldier that Khadr is alleged to have thrown.
“This could be a setback to our case,” allowed Colonel Lawrence Morris, head of the team prosecuting Khadr. “But, tell you what – worst case scenario, we argue that the confession was signed under torture. Cause everybody knows that any information you get from somebody being tortured is worthless…right?”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080319.eladvote0319_@/BNStory/newsGonerOmar2008/]
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Number Seven: Thou Shalt Not Make Fun Of Misguided Attempts At Popularity
The Vatican has announced the creation of 10 “Commandments of Modern Living” to accompany the 10 “Commandments of the Road” and the original 10 “Commandments Without Additional Qualifier.” The new commandments – including “Thou shalt not pay outrageous sums for lattes when a billion people in the world live on less than a dollar a day” and “Thou shalt not play World of Warcraft to the point of neglecting thy family” – are etched in silicone on the Vatican’s Web site.
“There’s nothing wrong with the original commandments,” explained Cardinal Renato Martino, head of the Pontifical Council for the Pastoral Care of Migrants and Itinerant People. “Obviously, we still expect Catholics to follow them. But, they do skew old, if you know what I mean, and the Pope has asked us to come up with some hipper, more happening commandments in order to reach the young crowd.”
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=435&but=allis1]
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