Thank you, Heil Elon!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, as our books were slowly given away to the library and we sold batches of our comic books (don’t judge! We were all young, once…except maybe for Stephen Miller, who was hatched in his 20s), we felt more and more like we were living in the film The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (just without Jim Carrey’s puppy dog pathos). At the end of this winnowing process, what will we be left with? Twenty-five bucks and a cracker? Photographs and memories? Shits and giggles? (This used to be an appropriate place for a diaper joke, but ever since we turned…a certain age it doesn’t seem all that funny any more…) As most people who reach…a certain age do, we wondered, What just happened and what was it all for? We would be happy with memories, giggles and…twenty-five bucks doesn’t go as far as it used to, so we’d go with the cracker (even though it will undoubtedly be stale); unfortunately, the universe frowns upon mixing and matching. We were tempted to attempt to reach a conclusion on this inconclusive question, but we were distracted by a piece of blueberry cheesecake, and now, being…a certain age, must find what we did with the bottle of RestoraLAX…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
First Rule Of Comedy: Parody Is All Fun And Games Until Somebody Throws Marx Into The Mix
Headliner Carl Georgson:
How many people here have watched the classic TV show Batman? Two of you? Hunh – more than I expected. You people should really reconsider your life priorities. But I’ll bet most of you are familiar with the show’s theme song. Not because you’ve seen the show, but because it boasts what may be one of the most parodyable theme songs in history.
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Fatman! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Fatman! Fatman! Fatman! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Fatman!
That one was for all the Casablanca fans out there.
The thing is, the theme can be adapted for any two syllable word. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Scrabble! – sing along with me! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Scrabble! Scrabble! Scrabble! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, Scrabble!
A dirty little secret of the Batman theme song parody genre, though, is that the word you substitute doesn’t have to be two syllables long. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, banana! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, banana! Banana! Banana! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, banana!
In fact, you can use a word or phrase with any number of syllables, as long as you sing them really fast. Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, workers seize the means of production! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, workers seize the means of production! Workers seize the means of production! Workers seize the means of production! Na na na na na na na na na na na na na, workers seize the means of production!
I, uhh, noticed that not a lot of you sang along with that last example. Too soon?
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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To Be Fair, There’s No Need To Be Fair Where Trump Is Concerned
But the Republicans say Joe Biden had such advanced dementia that he could not lead the country.
No, seriously. They say that.
With a straight face.
To the applause of the right-wing infosphere and low-information voters.
We truly live in the most exasperating timeline.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Dear Be Bzzt-fffzatt
Hank You For The Recent Chuh-chuch-chuh Brzzz. Rest Assured That When It Co Creeeeeeeeaaaaaakkkach Onthly Bill, I Will Reep Reep Guzzah Guzzah Ssible.
Bell Canada is currently experiencing a bzzt-fffzatts he result of a chuh-chuch-chuh brzzzz oftware update. Rest assured that this will not affect more than 140,000 or 150,00 of our cust creeeeeeeeaaaaaakkkach and that we wi reep reep guzzah guzzah as possible.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-038962738764715380-63-24cahs01.html]
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Noem Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen…
Kristi Noem was in the news again. For the wrong reason…again. When she was asked to define habeas corpus, the Secretary of Homeland Security responded: “Habeas corpus is a constitutional right that the president has to be able to remove people from this country.” Noem was criticized by people who felt that habeas corpus was actually, you know, the opposite of that. They should give her a little more credit. Noem’s first impulse was to answer: “Habeas Corpus is a dead body with a big butt!”
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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“Our Approach Was Always To Do Whatever Was Politically Expedient, So We’re Right On Target With Our Latest Move. In Corporate Governance, There’s A Lot To Be Said For Consistency!”
“CPP Investments scraps net-zero vow
Pension manager says move hasn’t ‘changed our approach to climate'”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1580375295]
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I Don’t Usually Get To Use The Word “Supercilious” In A News Article, So I Am Grateful To The Israeli Prime Minister For Giving Me The Opportunity
The Canadian government is “highly consternated and more than a little kerfuffled” by Israeli troops firing shots near a delegation of diplomats in the West Bank that included four Canadians. “It is totally, largely, kind of somewhat unacceptable,” said Prime Minister Mark Carney. “And the American embassy can expect a sternly worded letter – a sarcastic email – okay, a politely exasperated tweet very, very soon!”
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu responded, “It is a widely known fact that I just made up that Hamas agents blend into delegations of diplomats to stay safe. Israel was just defending itself, and who could possibly object to that?” You could tell that he was serious because his supercilious grin tipped slightly to the left rather than the right.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1461885152125]
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