Thank you, Hayden Pipette, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, stuck in a long line of cars, we read the following on a billboard over the highway: “You aren’t being delayed by traffic. You are traffic.” How Zen! And we thought: We can play this game. “You don’t play in traffic. Traffic plays you.” Mmm…sounds dangerous either way you look at it. “You don’t traffic in drugs, drugs traffic in you.” Eww! We’re nobody’s mules, thank you very much! “Life is like a box of traffic signs, you never know – no, it isn’t! What the hell were we thinking!” And we thought: Hunh. Making up Zen wisdom is harder than it looks!
When we finally got to work, our boss asked why we were over an hour late. We told her: “We were the traffic.” Her response was: “Play your festishistic games on your own time. If you’re late ever again, I’m going to start docking you pay!”
We’re working on a response to that. It probably won’t be very Zen…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
SlavishlyDevotedMediaSaysWhat?
Israel says it has delayed the release of hundreds of Palestinian prisoners “until the release of the next hostages has been assured, and without the humiliation” of previous handovers of Israeli captives in Gaza. The government argues that it is not breaking the terms of the ceasefire because –
“Oh, we are totally breaking the terms of the ceasefire,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Hamas has – what?
“The ceasefire didn’t say that the handover of prisoners had to be dignified or done in a way that was pre-approved by the Israeli government,” Prime Minister Netanyahu explained. “Not releasing Palestinians even though they released the hostages we wanted them to is a definite violation.”
Oh. Umm. Well, okay, then. This is the first time the Israelis have violated the ceasefire in Gaza since it was –
“Oh, do grow up,” Prime Minister Netanyahu chided. “We’ve withheld promised aid, we delayed the movement of Palestinians back into their neighbourhoods – we’ve been violating the terms of the ceasefire almost the moment the ink was dry!”
But…but…but…
“Oh, the look on your face!” Prime Minister Netanyahu roared with laughter. “No, of course, Israel has never broken the ceasefire – we’re just responding to Hamas breaking the ceasefire.”
Oh. Phew. You had me going for a second, there.
Israel says it has delayed the release of hundreds of Palestinian prisoners…
SOURCE: The New York Crimes
[https://www.nycrimes.com/live/2025/02/22/middleeast/israel-gaza-ceasefire-hamas]
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“We’re Going To Have To Send Another Thousand Agents To The Border To Deal With THIS Crisis!”
“The border crisis keeps getting worse, oh, so much worse,” claims President Donald Trump. And he’s right. There is a crisis at America’s southern border: vast numbers of ICE agents and military troops with nothing to do.
As the number of immigrants entering the US dwindles and jails and other facilities empty because immigrants they are holding get deported, border guards are scrambling for things to do. Some are helping little old ladies cross the street. Others are spending their time in more nefarious ways: drag racing down the main streets of border towns or shaking down store owners for pocket change.
“Is this what success looks like?” asked ICE head Tom Homan. “We…we thought we were confronting a crisis. We had no idea we would have to deal with…this!“
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2025-02-19-wtf-ice_x.htm]
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Lethologica Weapon
What’s that word? You know the one… The word describes the temporary inability to recall a specific word or phrase from your memory, even though you know the word and can describe its meaning. It’s on the tip of my tongue! I mean, this is only temporary, so I’m sure I’ll come up with it sooner or later, but not remembering a word when you need to is soooooooooo frustrating! Are you sure you don’t know the word I’m talking about…?
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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If Anybody Could Hear Her, Her Message Would Change To: “I’m The Best Person To Spoil The Election For The Liberals And Give The Conservatives An Unearned Majority.”
Messages from the three main parties in the provincial election:
Conservative Leader Doug Ford: “I’m the best person to fight the tariffs that American President Trump has threatened to put on Canadian goods.”
Liberal Leader Bonnie Crombie: “I’m the best person to cure Ontario’s faltering public health care system of its problems.”
New Democratic Party Leader Marit Stiles: “Is this mic on? Can anybody hear me? No, seriously – is this mic on?”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=417391]
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Actually, It’s Lithiumail…
INT. DAY – OFFICES OF DONALD TRUMP, REAL ESTATE AGENT
DONALD TRUMP is sitting behind the desk; VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY is sitting across from him.
DONALD TRUMP: So, Mister Selling Sky –
VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY: Zelenskyy.
TRUMP: I’ll be the judge of that. Now, I’m willing to help you pay off the mortgage on your house, but there has to be a negotiation.
ZELENSKYY: Of course. What are your terms?
TRUMP: I’m not going to tell you until the negotiations are over.
ZELENSKYY: That’s not a negotiation.
TRUMP: Sure it is. I’m negotiating the terms of your mortgage with your next door neighbour, Vlad.
ZELENSKYY: My next door nei – why would you do that? Vlad wants my house for himself!
TRUMP: Be fair – he owned your house years ago before he got into…financial difficulties. But he’s over that, now and he’s raring to get it back.
ZELENSKYY: He can’t have it! Is there nothing I can do to get the mortgage for myself?
TRUMP: Welllllll…if you are willing to make some concessions to me, I might be tougher in negotiations with your neighbour…
ZELENSKYY: What kind of concessions?
TRUMP: I want the right to dig up half your basement and use the minerals I find there.
ZELENSKYY: They’re worth a fortune!
TRUMP: Hey! I’m letting you keep some. That’s what we call a win-win.
ZELENSKYY: This is blackmail!
TRUMP: No, it isn’t. It’s international home financing!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227893]
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“It Makes Me Think I’m Not Cut Out For This Business, But My Starving Brothers Don’t Agree…”
James Howells wants to excavate tens of thousands of tons of trash, cart every piece to a scanner with artificial-intelligence-trained detection technology, and install a magnetic belt to pick up any overlooked metallic objects to find a hard drive he mistakenly threw out that contains his 51 character Bitcoin key, which is worth around $800 million.
When told of Howells’ quest, Jitendra, an eight year-old boy who scavenges in Mumbai’s garbage dumps for scraps that he might be able to sell to help buy food for his family, said, “Whoa. That is hard core!”
SOURCE: The International Colophon Cleanser
[http://icc/new]
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