Thank you, Harrison Bergeron Antioch, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read that an exact replica of The Titanic will have its maiden voyage in 2022; it will follow the exact same route as the original. If it hits an iceberg en route, we’re sure the rich will buy all of the space on the life rafts and the poor will be locked into the lower levels, ensuring the majority of them will not survive.
Oooooorrrrrr….global warming will ensure that the new Titanic will not encounter any icebergs en route. Yeah. That’s it. Global warming will save the new Titanic. Let’s think positive.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
What If They Gave A Press Conference And Nobody Came?
(For One Thing, Think Of All The Happy Journalists…)
He walks into the office each morning with a smile on his lips and a song in his heart. He makes coffee for the office and hands out helpful advice on people’s personal problems. He is CNN reporter Jim Acosta, and he has had his White House press pass revoked.
“I never realized how liberating no longer having to cover White House press conferences could be!” Acosta commented.
The facts speak for themselves. Since having his press credentials revoked, Acosta has produced 43 per cent more articles. Not only that, but his blood pressure has dropped 11 points and his sex life is 27 per cent better than it was.
“I wish this had happened to me sooner!” Acosta enthused. “I recommend getting your credentials pulled to everybody who still goes to the press briefings!”
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/mick-kieff1.html]
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Confusion Is The New Norman
Conservative MP Tony Clement has resigned from his duties in caucus, claiming he is the victim of financial extortion after sharing sexually explicit images and video online with someone he believed was a consenting woman. This is just wrong.
Everybody knows that sending photos of your junk to people on social networks constitutes a left-wing sexual scandal. Right-wing sexual scandals usually involve gay sex in washrooms.
I may have to reassess my sense of what constitutes a political scandal.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Actually, I Had Faith That The Mid-terms Were Going To Get Stranger (Although, A Dead Brothel-owning State Senator-Elect Does Seem To Be Gilding The Wilting Lily…)
Nevada brothel owner Dennis Hof has won a state Senate seat for the Republicans. Ordinarily, I would make a snarky remark about the party’s “family values,” but this story goes beyond typical right-wing hypocrisy into Twilight Zone territory. You see, Hof was dead at the time he was elected.
The man had spent four days celebrating his 72nd birthday at his Love Ranch brothel. His body was discovered by porn actor Ron Jeremy and a prostitute; this detail isn’t really relevant, but I don’t know if I will ever get the chance to mention Ron Jeremy in an article again, so I decided to run with it.
There is no word on whether the Nevada Republican Party is planning to hold a Vodun ceremony to raise Hof from the dead (being a zombie likely wouldn’t affect his future voting record). At best, this would be a short-term strategy: state evangelicals are already saying that they would perform an exorcism on a raised Hof in order to return his soul to its final resting place.
And, you thought the mid-terms couldn’t get any stranger!
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2018/ALLPOLITICS/11/08/reps.main/index.html]
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It’s Good To Maintain A Positive Attitude
The United States has criticized China over its treatment of its Muslim Uyghur minority. The US urged China to “abolish all forms of arbitrary detention, including internment camps in Xinjiang.”
The Absurd Ironyometer knows it should probably learn how to speak Mandarin, but it’s too old to acquire new languages easily, so, as a fallback plan, it hopes Chinese domination of the world won’t be complete until after it has died.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Speak Softly And Carry A Big Press Release
Softbank CEO Masayoshi Son has condemned the killing of Saudi Arabian journalist Jamal Khashoggi, calling it “a tragic incident that should not have happened.” Despite this, he refused to rule out working with the kingdom in the future.
This is typical of major corporations: they do nothing, but they do it very loudly.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB1134109297496528484,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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We’re Just Precious Snowflakes In The Wind
Adam Strashok, the man who ran Conservative Jason Kenney’s call centre for a year, has ties to an online store that sells white nationalist tchotkes. He –
“Please don’t use that word,” Strashok requested.
What, “nationalist?” I thought you were proud of your –
“No,” Strashok insisted. “That word. The one from the language of a mongrel race! Please don’t it.”
The language of a mongrel ra – ooooh. Okay. Sorry. Veismir, you –
Strashok’s eyes narrowed. “Are you…trying to piss me off?” he demanded.
What? No. Of course not. Please stop trying to chack mir un cheinik – I’m just –
“That’s it!” Strashok screamed. “This interview is over!”
Who knew racists were so sensitive? Putz.
SOURCE: Canuckistanian Jewish Weekly
[http://www.cjweekly.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=20180&Itemid=87]
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As Mae West Truly Observed: When You Have To Choose Between Two Weaknesses, Go For The One You Haven’t Tried Yet
During a trip to France, on Veterans Day President Donald Trump was scheduled to visit a Parisian cemetery where American WWI soldiers were buried, but he cancelled at the last minute. The official explanation was that it was raining and the helicopter he was supposed to travel to the cemetery in was not capable of travelling in bad weather.
The official explanation. But we know what’s really going on, here.
It’s part of the President’s war on umbrellas.
If he had gone to the cemetery, the President would have had to hold an umbrella and look sombre. That’s two activities, one more than he can usually do at a time. Worse: when he was ready to leave, he would have to dispose of the umbrella. Closing it has proven not to be an option. The odds of finding an open grave to throw it into near his helicopter were not great. And, of course, handing it off to an underling would make the President look weak.
The President doesn’t like looking weak. So, he cancelled a trip to a cemetery meant to celebrate America’s contribution to WW1.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2018/nov/11/the-presidents-kryptonite]
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