Thank you, Hacker Grignac, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We wish you a merry Christmas… [“Did you get a PS3? Don’t tell me you spent 12 hours at the Best Buy and didn’t even get a PS3!”] We wish you a merry Christmas… [“Yes, you have to sit next to Granny Parker again this year! And, not one word about her dentures…!”] We wish you a merry Christmas… [“No, I didn’t get you a PS3! I don’t care if Johnny Ferlingerstradt down the street got one! You’ll just have to make due with your Xbox!”] And a happy – oh, fuck it!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Don’t You Just Love That Fresh Liberal Smell?
In his first day in Parliament after being elected leader of the Liberal Party, Stephane Dion put the Conservative Party on notice that he would be pressing them on issues such as the environment and a national daycare programme.
In response, Prime Minister Stephen Harper accused Dion of playing a part in the Adscam scandal. “Mister Dion was…umm…in the same room as Jean Chretien…probably more than once. He’s got that, err, Liberal taint to him. Can’t you smell it?”
Editorial writers everywhere rolled their eyes.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec1ecda-b6e6-4c78-xy9b-07b657dd48ec]
more
Maybe If The Producers Knew How To Spel Properly…
The Fountain: leaky
Deck the Halls: dreck the halls
The Pursuit of Happyness: made me sad
Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny: Destiny is a harsh mistress
Déjà vu: pretty much
SOURCE: Five Second Movie Reviews
[http://www.5secmovrev.com/NOW.htm]
more
We Already Have That – It’s Called NASCAR
Radical environmentalists have suggested that climate change will make winter sports difficult. Have they never heard of Zambinis? I mean, Zambonos? I mean, uhh…you know, ice making machines?
Besides, we can always adapt. So, the downhill slalom will become the downhill run, trip and roll. Who is to say that that isn’t a proper test of physical prowess? And, why not redesign the luge so that it has wheels and a rocket engine and runs on city streets? What we have here is not a failure of the environment, it’s a failure of imagination on the part of the International Olympics Committee!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56238133665tweet]
more
Round And Round And Round It Goes, Where The Buck Stops, Nobody Knows
The Bush administration says the worsening situation in Iraq is the fault of Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, who is not able to contain sectarian violence.
Prime Minister al-Maliki, a Shi’a Muslim, claims that the violence is the fault of Sunni Muslim insurgents.
The Sunnis claim that the violence is the fault of the American occupation.
How many lives would you like to bet on the next spin of the wheel?
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
more
Happy You Won, Now? Because, You Know, The Questions Don’t Get Any Smarter…
Seven impertinent questions for: Stephane Dion.
1. Who are you?
2. Do you think Michael Ignatieff is disappointed he didn’t win the Liberal leadership? Are there pictures?
3. No, seriously, who are you?
4. Any chance you can get us Marcel Dion’s autograph? It…it’s not for us, it’s for our bro – nephew. That’s it. Our nephew
5. Okay, you’ve staked out progressive positions on the environment, national unity and women’s issues such as national day care, but where is your substance?
6. Do you think Stephen Harper is disappointed Michael Ignatieff didn’t win? Is there video of that? It…it’s not for us, it’s for our neph – brother. That’s it. Our brother.
7. Who does your hair?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061202.eladvote1202_@/BNStory/sevenStephane2006/]
more
I’m Not Ready For The Seventh Age Of Man!
A couple of weeks ago, the filling in one of my teeth fell out. Going to the dentist for the first time in 15 years, I was told that the tooth had disintegrated, and that I would need a crown. A temporary crown was put in while I waited for the proper one to be cast; in the meantime, I had occasional stabbing pains up the side of my mouth.
And I thought: Jesus, I’m a middle aged man teething like a two month-old baby!
And I thought: what can I do to make pacifiers look sexy?
And I thought: would I really want to be involved with a woman who thought a middle-aged man sucking on a pacifier was sexy?
And I thought: Owwwwww!
And I thought: I think too much.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Of Course He’s Not Going To Give Up – The President Has An Axis To Grind
So, now the neo-Cons are claiming that the Platonic ideal of an Iraq war is sound, and it’s only its execution by the Bush administration that is so horribly, horribly wrong. Well, you know what they say: it’s a poor workman who blames a tool.
SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages
[http://www.utopia.tv/erewhon/index.html]
more
That Glow In Your Cheeks – Is It 100% Natural?
The accusation that radiation was used to murder Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko is absurd. Radiation is a naturally occurring phenomenon. We cannot jump to the conclusion that human beings are responsible for locally increasing levels of deadly radiation – the fossil record shows that local radiation has fluctuated for millennia. Studies that show otherwise are deeply flawed – there is no consensus among scientists that deadly radiation is caused by humans. We must study this further before coming to any firm conclusions.
SOURCE: The International Institute for the Scientific Study of American Anti-science
[http://isa2.org/environment/Article239.html]
more
Where Does Giggled At Fit Into This Equation?
Shades of Black and Blue. CTV. 9pm. Conrad Black sues CTV for making him look sympathetic in its biographical miniseries Shades of Black and Blue. Watch Black bellow: “I am not a sympathetic character, you sesquipedalian perfunctory non-entities! I would rather be feared than loved. You hear me? I’d rather be feared!”
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
Are You Sure It Wasn’t Just Gas?
Last week for the first time since he became Prime Minister, Stephen Harper smiled. “There was a definite upturn of his lips,” one Conservative insider stated, adding that there was even a momentary flash of teeth, although the PMO denies this.
Rumour in Ottawa is that the smile was a trial balloon to see if a jollier Harper could make any headway in Quebec. The PMO vehemently denies this, claiming that it was a spontaneous act of mirth with no political calculation.
Newly elected Liberal leader Stephane Dion smiled impishly.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec1ecda-b6e6-4c78-xy9b-07b657dd49ed]
more