Thank you, Grantley Bromberg, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we got a call from our spouse’s boss telling us that our mate had collapsed and been taken to the emergency ward of the nearest hospital. We dropped everything and rushed to the hospital, but we ended up pacing outside of the emergency ward for several hours. Eventually, a doctor came out and told us that our life partner had had a cerebral hemorrhage, and it was unclear how much of their brain function they would maintain, if any. The next day, we were allowed to visit our mate in their room in the intensive care unit. As we stood over the unconscious body in the bed that was hooked up to a variety of machines, we wept at the tragedy of all that potential cut short. After a couple of minutes contemplating the unfairness of life, somebody stifled a giggle. Who would dare? The stifled giggle was repeated, louder this time, and we realized that it was coming from our spouse! Before we knew what was happening, half a dozen medical staff had entered the room, which was filled with raucous laughter.
April Fool’s!
Reigning in our desire to strangle somebody, we laughed along with everybody else as best we could. But, we’re already planning the prank we’re going to play on our mate next year. All we’re going to say – with all due love, of course – is that revenge is a dish best served with cold wombats…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
As A Jew, I’m Deeply Offended…And Now A Bit Hungry…
We have the perfect argument to explain the situation in Indiana: forcing Christian bakers to cater gay weddings would be like forcing Jews to make cakes featuring the face of Adolph Hitler.
Okay, it may not be a perfect analogy. Gay people are not Nazis. Probably. I mean, they don’t seem intent on killing six million Christians. Or, even three Christians. And, the Nazis used the power of the state to persecute Jews, while the only power gays seem to have is the power of multi-coloured rainbows. In fact, it’s Christians who are trying to use state power to maintain our right to discriminate against gays.
But, uhh, otherwise, the analogy is…clear and, and, and compelling!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Conservative Party Headquarters?
“If we want to continue to degrade this organization so that they can no longer have this bizarre caliphate, so they can no longer radicalize and recruit Canadians and people from around the world, we have to hit them where they have their strongest assets.”
– Canadian Defence Minister Jason Kenney on ISIS
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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18. Any Point That Requires An Asterisked Footnote
17 things that end badly.
1. Any statement that starts with the phrase, “I don’t hate [gays/Jews/women/others], but…”
2. Any statement that ends with the phrase, “What could possibly go wrong?”
3. Promising yourself that you’re only going to play Greed for Speed VII: Turbocharged Snails for a few minutes before going to bed.
4. Arming one side in a war without knowing who all the players are.
5. Franz Schubert’s “Symphony No. 8 in B minor, D.759.”
6. Asking the cute receptionist to go mini-golfing on Easter Sunday.
7. Responding to any email from an Ethiopian prince. *
8. Any joke that starts: “So, a Priest, a Rabbi and a Belgian sheepdog walk into a bar…”
9. Building an economy that is dependent on fossil fuels.
10. A daily blog about peas.
11. A relationship that begins with the thought, “There are just one or two things I need to change about him/her, and then s/he will be perfect!”
12. The war on drugs. **
13. Thinking to yourself, “I’ll just read one comment…”
14. Storming into the boss’ office and demanding a raise.
15. A child film star’s career.
16. Finally opening that indie book store that you’ve always dreamed of.
17. ***
* Unless you happen to be a member of the Ethiopian royal family, in which case how badly this ends will depend upon how well the two of you get along.
** If it ever does actually end.
*** This list.
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/April/You_Know_It’s_True.asp]
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Not Sure About That Logic: Some Reports Do Show Terrorists Baking Cakes…
Testimony at a police tribunal on conduct during G20 protests in Toronto.
POLICE SUPERINTENDANT DAVID (MARK) FENTON: The protesters were engaged, in my view, in terrorism.
PROSECUTOR: They had bombs strapped to their chests?
FENTON: Well, no…
PROSECUTOR: They were making speeches about the violent overthrow of the government?
FENTON: Not as such, no…
PROSECUTOR: What, in their conduct, makes you believe that they were engaged in terrorism?
FENTON: They weren’t at home baking cake and trying to figure out a way to reduce their taxes.
PROSECUTOR: I’m sorry…?
FENTON: When was the last time you heard about terrorists trying to fiddle their taxes? It doesn’t happen, right?
PROSECUTOR: Ah…ah…umm…recess, Your Honour?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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I Just Hope We Never Become A Post-Cereal Society
They say we live in a post-racial society, but there is still racism. They say we live in a post-national world, but nation states are as important as they have always been. They say we live in a post-ideological world, but people seem to be more driven by ideology than ever.
I can’t wait until we enter a post-post world!
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Be Thankful You Don’t Have Heart Disease
Your Life Would Be Worth Less Than That Of A Maritime Whooping Turtle If You Did!
So, you say you’re dying and you’re not sure what your life is worth to the Harper Government of Canada? You’re in luck! Based on Canadian mortality rates, we can calculate your relative value!
We use, as our base, the two Canadians killed on Canadian soil by alleged terrorists. The government is spending hundreds of millions of dollars to avoid further terrorist murders. How does that compare to what you’re terminally ill from? Here’s a handy chart to help you determine that:
| Cause of Death | Number | Ratio |
| Alzheimer’s Disease | 6,356 | .00031 |
| Asbestos | 386 | .0051 |
| Cancer | 72,476 | .000028 |
| Diabetes | 7,194 | .00028 |
| Heart Disease | 47,627 | .000042 |
| Suicide | 3,728 | .00054 |
So. Now you have some idea if what your life is worth. It may come as a shock, at first, but at least now you can behave accordingly.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=819&dir=bb]
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