Thank you, Gerhard Friedrich Schickedanz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Kathy Bates, talking about her role on the TV show Harry’s Law, said, “Harry is her own woman. She isn’t going to take guff from anybody. I’m very much like her. I try to be diplomatic, but sometimes pterodactyls fly out of my mouth.”
GAAACK! Pterodactyls flying out of Kathy Bates’ mouth! Get that image out of our heads! GET IT OUT NOW!
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The Daily Me Staff
Another Fairy Tale Of New York
“Tell us a bedtime story.”
“Please!”
“Oh, pretty please!”
“Well, alright. Just one.”
“YAY!”
“Once upon a time, there was this man named…Uncle Sam. And, he was the smartest, kindest, richest man in the whole world. He was so good, he wouldn’t ever, ever, ever hurt anybody anywhere. He just loved people too much. He even helped people when he could. That’s how great Uncle Sam was. Then, one day, a man named…Jihad Joe walked up to Uncle Sam and punched him in the nose. Just like that! Without any warning! And, without any reason, because Uncle Sam had never done anything to Jihad Joe. Uncle Sam only ever wanted to help people. So, Uncle Sam went to Jihad Joe’s neighbourhood and killed as many of his relatives as Uncle Sam could find. Then, Uncle Sam went to a nearby neighbourhood and killed as many people as he could find there. Because even though he’s the kindest, gentlest, most generous person ever, Uncle Sam lives in a dark world with people plotting against him every second of the day, and he needs to send a message to them that he doesn’t like being punched in the face for no reason and he will do whatever it takes to make sure nobody ever does it to him again! And, they all lived happily in fear ever after. The end. Now -“
“Tell us about the brave President who stood up against the evil Islamo-fascists!”
“DAD! I told you – only one story. Now go to -“
“Oh, please, please, please, just one more story?”
“MOM! Go to bed! I have a math test in the morning and I need to study!”
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Actions Show A Clear Belak Of Good Judgment
Former Toronto Maple leafs enforcer Wade Belak has died at the age of 35. He died the way any hockey player would want to: with his skates on. Alone. In a hotel room.
In response to Belak’s death, the National Hockey League held a press conference to announce that it would reconsider it policies regarding violence on the ice. Two minutes later, the NHL held another press conference to announce that, after careful consideration, it would not be changing its policies regarding violence on the ice.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56238133665]
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It’s Kind Of Like Sex, But Without Having To Clean The Sheets In The Morning
Despite no public scrutiny, negotiations for a deal on border security between Canada and the United States continue. This is just like the Harper government, isn’t it? There will be five minutes of Parliamentary debate and 50 years of political and social repercussions.
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=279920474-6/]
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Bet You Didn’t See That Twist Coming
John Howard Davies, legendary producer of such British television series as Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Fawlty Towers and All Gas and Gaiters, has died of cancer at the age of 72.
Also known as a child actor, most notably in the lead role of David Lean’s Oliver Twist, Davies was obviously denied when he asked, “Please, god, may I have some more?”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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It’s The Associative Law Of Crazy In Action
Michele Bachmann has told her Christian Tea Party followers that she was just joking about just joking about the East Coast’s recent spate of natural disasters were meant as a warning from God to the politicians in Washington. Nobody can tell if that means that she was serious about her original statement, or that her sense of humour encompasses a meta sense of the absurd.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2006-07-15-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
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Bank Robbery Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
Excerpt from the transcript of Crown v Buggerill:
EMERIL PHLOGISTON: Now, Mister Buggerill –
ANDY BUGGERILL: That’s me.
PHLOGISTON: You were caught on camera robbing the Third National Bank of Stupidville – is that not correct?
BUGGERILL: Absolutely right.
PHLOGISTON: You were caught by the police trying to use marked bills from the robbery to buy powdered rhino’s horn…?
BUGGERILL: Right again. The missus and I were having a little trouble with…relations…you know – of the – ahem – bedroom variety – and I had heard that powdered rhino’s horn could help.
PHLOGISTON: Just so. Now, when the arresting officer advised that you had a right to a lawyer, you responded… hold on just a – ah! Here it is. You responded: “It’s a fair cop. No need for a lawyer – all my lawyer would do would be to smack me on the back of the head and tell me to plead insanity.” Is that correct?
BUGGERILL: Yeah. I was right, too – when you finally got to the police station, you smacked me on the back of the head and told me to plead insanity.
PHLOGISTON: Be that as it may. Big breath. Given the weight of the evidence against you, Mister Buggerill, why have you entered a plea of not guilty?
BUGGERILL: Well, I was being satirical, wasn’t I?
PHLOGISTON: Were you?
BUGGERILL: I believe I was.
PHLOGISTON: Being satirical?
BUGGERILL: Yeeeessss?
PHLOGISTON: How, exactly, Mister Buggerill, is robbing a bank being a satirical?
BUGGERILL: Well, I was commenting ironically on the crass materialism of our culture, right?
PHLOGISTON: By stealing $25,000 from a bank at gunpoint?
BUGGERILL: Yeah, well, you know, I was making a point about how the fatcats on Wall Street rob people with commands on a computer screen.
PHLOGISTON: And, you do this by robbing a bank that contains the life savings of widows and orphans?
BUGGERILL: Well, the artist has to work with whatever materials come to hand in this imperfect world, innit?
PHLOGISTON: Satire, is it? Mister Buggeril, what do you say to your critics who say that you’re just a petty criminal hiding behind a wildly inappropriate defense?
BUGGERILL: Roger Ebert gave me three stars. How well have their lives been reviewed?
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-4734cahs01.html]
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