Thank you, Gary Gangbangier, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard about the controversy over the plan to build a 30 metre tall war monument called Mother Canada at Green Cove, Nova Scotia. We thought the right was going more for the whole “homeland” effect, but parents are an integral part of home, we suppose, and, in any case, nobody could accuse fascist language of not being inclusive. The problem is that, as imagined, the statue will be facing out to sea, which means that locals will have their view of the scenic cove replaced by the view of a very tall woman’s ass. Of course, if they had followed the example of major cities and planned on building condos on the site, instead, nobody’s complaints would have been taken seriously!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Although Perhaps Not Quite In The Way That You Think…
The Harper Government of Canada has enacted changes to its practices that make it illegal for civil servants in 12 government divisions to reveal state secrets during their lifetime. Or, after. Those employees, mostly Department of Justice lawyers and senior bureaucrats in the Privy Council Office, face 14 years in purgatory if they disclose “special operational information” during a séance or haunting.
“These new rules underline just how committed we are to open government,” Prime Minister Harper commented.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Michelangelo Oh!
Italy’s Culture Minister Dario Franceschini has called on American arms manufacturer Armalite to withdraw an advertisement featuring Michelangelo’s David holding the company’s AR-50A1 bolt-action rifle. The ad tag line said the gun was “a work of art.”
“So,” said Armalite’s Web site, “we guess the ad featuring the Sistine Chapel image of god handing an AR-10 to Adam is right out!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s419/Os/66/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s519/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=87403]
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Aren’t You Getting Tired Of Offering Simple Solutions To Complex Problems?
How To Not Get Raped
STEP ONE: Completely change human psychology so that the majority of men don’t feel comfortable being sexual predators and women aren’t blamed for the fact that many men act on their feelings of comfort with being sexual predators. This will have many additional benefits, such as reducing the amount of art depicting sexual violence against women and encouraging police and the justice system to take rape more seriously.
STEP TWO: Enjoy not getting raped.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1197]
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Can You Believe Margaret Went(e) There?
Why are we so attached to the idea that every generation should be better off than the previous one? I mean, how many gold-plated bidets will make you happy? What can four footmen do for you that three can’t? If your stretch limo is only three quarters rather than a full block long, will you be the shame of your parents for the rest of your life? And, don’t even get me started on truffles!
Umm, no, as a matter of fact, I don’t have any children. What does that have to do with anything?
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20140312.eladvote0312_@/BNStory/opinionYesYesICan2014/]
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Like Tar In The Sands In The Hourglass Of Time…
So. Apparently, Neil Young has problems with the tar sands. Next time he feels like spouting off, he should show us his geological engineering degree. Okay, we don’t have geological engineering degrees, either, but we certainly know washed up “musicians” when we see them!
Why does anybody care about what he has to say, anyway? We mean, why does anybody listen to him? Okay, what we really mean is: WHY DO SO MANY MORE PEOPLE LOVE HIM THAN LOVE US?
But, uhh, maybe that was better left as subtext.
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2014/03/02/509727.html]
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Economics Is The War On Drugs By Other Means
Banks in Colorado and Washington State are refusing to open accounts for businesses that sell marijuana. They are concerned that, although the states have made the practice legal, the federal government may not recognize marijuana sellers as legitimate businesspeople, and arrest bankers for aiding and abetting criminals.
“Major pharmaceutical companies are legal, so we have no problem doing business with them,” said Colorado banker J. P. Horgone. “And, drug cartels are clearly illegal, so when we launder their money at least we know what we are getting involved in. But, this is a grey area, and uncertainty causes capitalists great upset. An economist friend of mine told me that, so it must be true!”
SOURCE: 44 Minutes, 30 Seconds
[http://www.ubsnews.com/stories/2014/03/11/44minutes30seconds/main420924.shtml]
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Uhh, Yeah, Actually, We Were More Concerned About The Choice Of Detroit…
Porter Airlines is being accused of manipulating Torontonians with an online poll that asks them if they would rather be flown to Heaven, Hell or Detroit. Clicking on any of the destinations leads to a page that tells them that their councillors will be happy to receive thousands of form letters (which the airline will be delighted to make available) from constituents demanding that they vote for Island airport expansion because that’s how committed to democracy the city’s politicians are.
“There’s nothing manipulative about this,” said Porter spokesweasel Brad Cicero. “All of the options given in the poll are viable. I mean, have you seen the state of the world today? Clearly, for a lot of people, Hell is an attractive destination.”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1078590411813&call_pageid=968335653492&col=924066972884]
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Shoulda Aughter Gone With Otter
Playing Shootsies With Our National Identity
I imagine Canada as a sprawling land
With mountains, prairies and…lots of water.
To protect weak nations, we take a stand
And fish such as cod, and seals we slaughter.
Okay, not everything we do is grand,
But we do make a large effort to do as we oughter.
To define our country, advertisers jockey
By telling us Canada is hockey.
Hockey is a wonderful game.
I used to enjoy watching it – I know I did.
Of course, it’s not the same
As it was when I was a kid.
In fact, the violence has made it lame,
As the quality of the play has slid and slid…
Equating national identity with a game is schlocky;
Yet, for many, Canada is hockey.
In this logic, it is hard to make dents,
No matter how hard you may try.
One can imagine so many more important accomplishments,
Yet with winning goal scorers (or brutal enforcers), so many people identify.
When you think about those more deserving of adulation, it does not make sense,
But the irrational patriotism of the couch potato will not be denied.
Am I overthinking this? Am I being too Spocky?
Perhaps, but I do not buy the idea that Canada is hockey.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/684.html]
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