Thank you, Garamonde de la Vithix, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard about this new restaurant, L’Upscalia, and knew we just had to eat there. So, we saved several months of wages (our cats had to eat people food – they’re especially fond of turnip mush – there’s hardly any energy behind swipes with their claws when we serve it) in order to get a table. A year and a half later, our reservation finally came up – at four pm on a Tuesday. No problem – we work from home, so we created an AI to look like us working diligently at our computer screens – after all, that’s what AI is for – and we headed out. When we got to the restaurant, we asked for the table near the window – one of the purest joys in life is making fun of people as they walked past. While the staff applauded our spirit, they gave us a table near the kitchen. We didn’t see what the problem was, so we went and sat at the empty table by the window anyway. The server who came with the menus took one look at us and said, “You’re not supposed to be here. Please go back to your assigned table.” When we demanded to know why, he sneered, “Look in the mirror, why don’t you?” We didn’t have to. We knew what we would find: more wrinkles than the body of a Shar Pei. Ohhhhhh – they didn’t want people on the street looking into the window and mistaking the restaurant for an old folks’ home! We meekly went back to our assigned table.
The food wasn’t even that great.
We can’t wait to go back when we’ve saved up enough for Botox!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
That’s Not Sexist – It’s The Law!
mens diarrhea: In ordinary court cases, you need to prove mens rea, that the accused had the intention in their mind of committing a crime. In extraordinary cases, the accused portrays mens diarrhea, an inability to shut up about their intention to commit a crime. EXAMPLE: Donald Trump will lose every court case he is involved in because every time he opens his mouth, he exhibits mens diarrhea.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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That’s A Bit Extreme: The Absurd Ironyometer Just Needs To Stop Hearing That We Live In The Bust Of All Possible Worlds
Michael Thompson, the chairman of the Lee County, Florida Republican Executive Committee, has justified opposing a Fort Myers teacher posting a banner saying “Hate has no home here” on a bulletin board because “the district needs to get out of having any type of political influence on our children.”
Defining the actions of anti-gay and anti-Black movements, especially in state government, as “apolitical” has caused The Absurd Ironyometer to consider turning in its blue and orange vest and retiring to a life of growing vegetables on a small plot of land outside its cottage.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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He May Be Dead, But That Hasn’t Hurt His Career
A flight from Toronto to New York City had to turn around because of a “burnt electrical smell” in the cockpit. Lloyd Bridges stuck his head in, took a second to take stock of the situation, and said, “Looks like I chose a bad time to stop doing disaster movie parodies!”
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2024/02/22/509727.html]
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Maybe He Has Forgotten: Identity Politics IS The Mission
Have you ever met somebody who really, desperately, achingly wanted a job, but at the same time really, achingly, desperately wanted not to die? Oh, come on, sure you have. You must have seen Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on TV at some point. You know: the man who creeps up to the line of actually criticizing former President Donald Trump before running back to a safe position far away from the lion tamer’s cage?
He knows how many guns Trump supporters have. And how many hair-triggers.
Now that he is out of the race and it is of little use to him, DeSantis is gently calling out Trump’s focus on identity politics. As well he should. For example, Trump’s battle with Disney over its support of gay events at its theme pa – no, wait. That was DeSantis, wasn’t it?
Okay, well, Trump picking a fight with Taylor Swift over some cockamamie Superbowl conspiracy theor – no, that was DeSantis, too. Trump banning books on slavery from state libraries? – nope. DeSantis. Transexual bathroom bans? Uhh, yeah, maybe the guy who bragged that his state was where “woke goes to die” isn’t in a position to criticize others for not being on mission.
Oh, and it would be easy to make fun of DeSantis’ assertion that the Republican Party is diverse, but it would be wrong. The Party welcomes the full spectrum of white evangelical Christians to white atheists, and everybody in between. As long as they’re white. Political parties don’t come more diverse than that.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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If They’re Having Kobe Beef Three Times A Day For The Next Approximately Forever
After six months of operation in Israel, Starlink has not been approved by the government to provide any services in the Gaza Strip.
When Elon Musk was asked how this squares with his commitment to free speech, he snorted, “What are you – nuts? Free speech isn’t free. I have a right to feed my family, don’t I?”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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The Absurd Ironyometer Was Thinking String Beans And Squash, The Vegetable Of Champions
When a court makes a contentious ruling, trust markets to jump in with clarity.
The Alabama Supreme Court ruled that frozen embryos can be considered children under the law. This has caused many IVF practitioners to stop providing the procedure until their lawyers determine whether or not they could be charged with murder if, as often happens, the embryos don’t result in children.
At the same time, Brooks Bryos (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp: “We do natal stuff”), has released a line of embryo booties (sold as singles, since they’re designed to fit on an embryo’s tail). Froze Clothes (a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp: “We do birthing babies stuff”), has created a line of sleepwear (featuring merged pink and blue patterns, since the gender of a frozen embryo on birth cannot be guaranteed). And of course, Disney (wholly owned by itself: “You know the kind of stuff we do”) has announced that it has ordered thirty episodes of Bryotubbies, a psychedelic series meant to be projected on the side of test tubes for the enjoyment of the frozen children.
Better living through capitalism.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB213411601691808404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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