Thank you, Franklin Pornbang, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, for the 2,357th time (we counted), we heard a Hollywood director say a variation on the phrase, “Yeah, the footage wasn’t all that I had hoped for, but I knew we could fix it in post.” And, for the 2,356th time (we just know), we wondered, What does the post office have to do with completing movies? Do they actually rent out room on the sorting floor for editing suites? No wonder mail delivery is getting so bad! For that matter, no wonder films are getting so bad!
Hollywood is weird.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Not All Scare Quotes Were Created Equal
ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION
Ireland is the first country in the world to allow gay people to marry by a popular vote! Ireland! We cannot allow this to stand! If Ireland allows so-called “marriage equality,” who will be next? Burundi? Tonga? Idaho?
Clearly, Irish Catholics let down the side, so we propose a boycott of Catholicism. No, wait – too many of our members are Catholics. They wouldn’t appreciate anybody badmouthing their beliefs. Okay. Forget we suggested that. To protest Ireland’s decision, we’ll boycott…Saint Patrick’s Day! Aww, who are we kidding – our members are happy for any excuse to get pissed! Fine. We’ll boycott…potatoes. Mmm…French fries. Right. That’s not gonna happen, either.
Okay, we got nothing. Bigots Without Borders members are encouraged to suggest an appropriate action to protest this terrible, terrible act of democracy.
ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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File Under: Fuck, What The?
Legal scholars are divided on a clause in the Conservative Government of Canada’s Bill-C59 which would absolve the Royal Canadian Mounted Police of guilt for the extinction of the dinosaurs. Some legal experts argue that, while unorthodox, there is no precedent in Canadian legal history that would disallow the government from enacting the law (which is actually a budget bill) with the clause intact. Others argue that the RCMP didn’t exist in the Cretaceous Period, so if this is a gesture of solidarity with Canada’s national police force, it may be a bit of overkill.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/05/21/trexhadnocomment150521]
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Physician, Heel Thyself!
The other day, I went to my family doctor to have a persistent cough looked after. After a few preliminaries, he cheerfully asked: “Could you loosen my shackles? Just a bit? They’re making it difficult for me to hold this tongue depressor!” I smiled and genially replied, “Nope. Sorry. You might try to escape, and then I would have to get the Health police to track you down and whip you to make you more obedient, possibly even hang you from a tree as a warning to any other doctors who would want more freedom, and then what would I do about my cough?”
Can you imagine being a patient of Senator Rand Paul (I don’t even bother identifying Bag of Crazy residents as Republicans any more because obvious)? “Your cough is a sign of advanced pulmonary fascitis.” “Is that a real disease?” you would have to ask, “Or is it something in your head?” “It could be a real disease,” Rand would assure you. “In some other universe where diseases like that exist. Will that be debit or credit?”
Of course, universal health care is not free – it is paid for out of general government revenues. And, countries that have it generally have better health outcomes for lower cost than the United States. This makes the whole “slavery” thing the strawiest of straw man arguments. Not to mention, the most offensive.
But, ssh. Don’t tell Rand Paul that. The health clinic that he runs in the Bag of Crazy only has three patients – coincidentally, they’re all named John Galt – but they’re billionaires, so everybody is happy.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Don’t Wait For SkyNet To Come Online To Start Eating Unbrowned Bread!
Winston Schmex, the author of Kill Your Toaster: Why We Need To Panic About the Coming Machine Apocalypse Right This Second! is trying to shake people out of their complacency about intelligent machines.
If machines ever attain consciousness, Schmex argues, they may not see themselves as equals to human beings. If machines feel that they are superior to human beings, they will do whatever they need to do in order to survive, even if it puts them in conflict with us. If machines do not get their energy from sunlight, for example, they may compete with human beings for electricity or nuclear power. If they can override anything we put in their programming to protect ourselves, the machines will pursue any such conflicts with scarily rational efficiency. If human beings cannot negotiate some form of coexistence with our creations, the machines could wipe us out.
“Why do people have so much trouble seeing the urgency here?” Schmex plaintively demanded.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/150411/geeklynews/01arthurcclarkohoh.htm]
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Things Go Bitter With Koch
An exhibit in the Smithsonian Institute called “The Hall of Dubious Human Origins” claims that people will evolve to survive climate change. An interactive part of the exhibit gives viewers the opportunity to choose between different possible adaptations that could occur in the human body. These include:
- becoming rock-like creatures able to withstand extreme weather;
- becoming flaming creatures able to withstand extreme heat;
- becoming invisible creatures in order to deflect harmful rays from the sun, and;
- becoming creatures with elastic bodies who can…do something fantastic that will help them adapt to the new world brought about by climate change.
Scientists have complained about the exhibit’s inaccuracies, pointing out that sending people into space so that they can be exposed to gamma rays that could cause them to mutate wouldn’t really speed up the evolutionary process (since the changes likely couldn’t be passed on to their children), and, in any case, it would take too long to send even a small fraction of the human population high enough into the stratosphere to be changed. David Koch, gazillionaire oil magnate and sponsor of the exhibit, replied, “Fifteen million dollars buys you a lot of science!”
People who work at the Smithsonian looked away in an attempt to hide their embarrassment.
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v58/i13/36a02601.htm]
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