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Franken, My Dear, I Don’t Give A Damn
JOURNALIST: How do you think the recount is going?
FRANKEN: Well, the Democrats have won a couple of important court rulings, and, I have to say, at this point, I’m pretty optimistic.
Journalists laugh.
FRANKEN: What? What did I say?
SECOND JOURNALIST: What do you think about the speculation of illegal gifts given to your opponent, Norm Coleman?
FRANKEN: I have nothing to say about that.
Journalists laugh.
FRANKEN: What? The man is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.
Journalists laugh harder.
FRANKEN: That’s a basic American right. It isn’t funny.
JOURNALIST: Do a Saturday Night Live bit!
FRANKEN: sigh.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/mayibefranken.shtml]
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Deal Or No Deal? Congressional Version
A $14 billion bailout for the American auto industry collapsed after Republican Senators insisted on conditions unacceptable to Democrats. The last minute additions included: casual clown costume Fridays and the right of management to randomly slap workers to see if they are awake.
“This was an attempt to humiliate the United Autoworkers Union,” the UAW said in a press release. “A pretty good one, too, actually. The whole clown costume thing, for instance, yeah, that would have been quite humiliating. Ultimately, those big shoes and big red noses would have caused a health risk on the assembly line floor, though, so that was a deal breaker. Hee hee. But, a deal breaker.”
President Bush took time out from signing executive orders gutting environmental regulations to say, “Yeah. Shame about that. Oh, well. Is pollution spelled with one ‘l’ or two?”
SOURCE: Women’s Wear Daily Worker
[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%2C%20%0A&type=a&mr=332&CFID=723762&CFBOKIN=18757285]
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That’s The Thing About Fans – They Take A Licking But Keep On Ticking
7pm. Rogers Cable. Tick Talk. Think moviegoers can be fanatic? This is a weekly three hour talk show about the comic book The Tick and its television spinoffs. This week: why were episodes left off the DVD release of seasons one and two, and will they be reinstated if anybody ever releases season three? Remember: Three hours.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Be Fair: Think Of All The 85 Year-old Men She Gave Heart Attacks To
Pinup queen Bettie/Betty/Bette Page has died of a heart attack at the age of 85. Now where will horny teenage boys go to get their…oh. Right.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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At Eight Per Cent, He’s Less Popular Than Stalin
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich now has a new nemesis: his own hair. In a press conference Thursday, Blagojevich’s hair said that he was “as corrupt as an extension is long” and that “if he didn’t resign, he would be pushing back the welfare of tresses in Illinois by decades!”
About the only people not calling for the resignation of Blagojevich work in the White House. “Are you kidding? I hope he holds onto the office for months” said President George W. Bush. “He’s the only politician in the United States with a lower approval rating than me!”
When his handlers looked aghast, Bush added: “Oh, is this mike on?”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/12/12/reps.main/index.html]
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Power Sillies; Absolute Power Sillies Absolutely
The Conservative minority government is advising Canadians to reduce the minimum withdrawal from their registered retirement income funds by 25 Per cent for 2008, despite the fact that the measure hasn’t been passed by Parliament.
“We can do that?” asked Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. “Okay, listen up, Canadians. Everybody will now pay…a five per cent income tax. No. No, four per cent for everybody making less than a hundred thousand dollars and…and two per cent for everybody making over a million dollars. Don’t worry – we don’t need to pass a bu – get away from me! We – we don’t need to pass a budget! And, anyway, if the measure never gets passed, you won’t be penalized, so you’ve got nothing to – let me finish! I’m in control, now, and we’ll do things my way! – you’ve got nothing to lo –”
That was the moment the microphone was wrestled out of his hands. The Finance Minister is said to be resting well at an unnamed hospital.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/
RTGAM.20081212.eladvote1212_@/BNStory/newsFinanceFlap2008/]
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You Know, One Sign Of Maturity Is Not Blaming Your Father For Your Own Inadequacies
“You know, I’m the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President.”
– President George W. Bush
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Forcing Them To Watch Barney Still A War Crime
Part of the tour of the Guantanamo Bay prison included a wing where prisoners can now sit (with their ankles shackled) and learn how to draw flowers. However, journalists were not given the opportunity to interview the kindergarten teachers who would be instructing them.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF26LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s139/Os/14/e7DUeReRD.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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We Will Never Give In To Terrorism, Doc
the square root of one headache) Who said “any response needs to be judged by its effectiveness in prevention and also by not creating other unintended consequences or difficulties” and what did they say it about?
a) American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said it about the terrorist attacks on Mumbai
b) Indian Foreign Secretary Shiv Shankar Menon said it about the terrorist attacks on the United States on 9/11
c) Bugs Bunny said it about Marvin the Martian’s planned terrorist attacks on Earth
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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