Skip to content

The Daily Me – fioner_wang38@ymail.com

Book Cover Image

Thank you, fioner_wang38@ymail.com, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, you know what? There are no people with interests like yours! You’re a statistical Blagojeviching anomaly! So, we pretty much chose articles at random for your Daily Me update. Either you’re a fake email address used by a spammer or you need help. Badly. Either way, do something about it, okay? Soon.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Franken, My Dear, I Don’t Give A Damn

JOURNALIST: How do you think the recount is going?

FRANKEN: Well, the Democrats have won a couple of important court rulings, and, I have to say, at this point, I’m pretty optimistic.

Journalists laugh.

FRANKEN: What? What did I say?

SECOND JOURNALIST: What do you think about the speculation of illegal gifts given to your opponent, Norm Coleman?

FRANKEN: I have nothing to say about that.

Journalists laugh.

FRANKEN: What? The man is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

Journalists laugh harder.

FRANKEN: That’s a basic American right. It isn’t funny.

JOURNALIST: Do a Saturday Night Live bit!

FRANKEN: sigh.

SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama

[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/mayibefranken.shtml]
more

Deal Or No Deal? Congressional Version

A $14 billion bailout for the American auto industry collapsed after Republican Senators insisted on conditions unacceptable to Democrats. The last minute additions included: casual clown costume Fridays and the right of management to randomly slap workers to see if they are awake.

“This was an attempt to humiliate the United Autoworkers Union,” the UAW said in a press release. “A pretty good one, too, actually. The whole clown costume thing, for instance, yeah, that would have been quite humiliating. Ultimately, those big shoes and big red noses would have caused a health risk on the assembly line floor, though, so that was a deal breaker. Hee hee. But, a deal breaker.”

President Bush took time out from signing executive orders gutting environmental regulations to say, “Yeah. Shame about that. Oh, well. Is pollution spelled with one ‘l’ or two?”

SOURCE: Women’s Wear Daily Worker

[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%2C%20%0A&type=a&mr=332&CFID=723762&CFBOKIN=18757285]
more

That’s The Thing About Fans – They Take A Licking But Keep On Ticking

7pm. Rogers Cable. Tick Talk. Think moviegoers can be fanatic? This is a weekly three hour talk show about the comic book The Tick and its television spinoffs. This week: why were episodes left off the DVD release of seasons one and two, and will they be reinstated if anybody ever releases season three? Remember: Three hours.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F&regMode=0]
more

Be Fair: Think Of All The 85 Year-old Men She Gave Heart Attacks To

Pinup queen Bettie/Betty/Bette Page has died of a heart attack at the age of 85. Now where will horny teenage boys go to get their…oh. Right.

SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more

At Eight Per Cent, He’s Less Popular Than Stalin

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich now has a new nemesis: his own hair. In a press conference Thursday, Blagojevich’s hair said that he was “as corrupt as an extension is long” and that “if he didn’t resign, he would be pushing back the welfare of tresses in Illinois by decades!”

About the only people not calling for the resignation of Blagojevich work in the White House. “Are you kidding? I hope he holds onto the office for months” said President George W. Bush. “He’s the only politician in the United States with a lower approval rating than me!”

When his handlers looked aghast, Bush added: “Oh, is this mike on?”

SOURCE: Deadline News Network

[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/12/12/reps.main/index.html]
more

Power Sillies; Absolute Power Sillies Absolutely

The Conservative minority government is advising Canadians to reduce the minimum withdrawal from their registered retirement income funds by 25 Per cent for 2008, despite the fact that the measure hasn’t been passed by Parliament.

“We can do that?” asked Finance Minister Jim Flaherty. “Okay, listen up, Canadians. Everybody will now pay…a five per cent income tax. No. No, four per cent for everybody making less than a hundred thousand dollars and…and two per cent for everybody making over a million dollars. Don’t worry – we don’t need to pass a bu – get away from me! We – we don’t need to pass a budget! And, anyway, if the measure never gets passed, you won’t be penalized, so you’ve got nothing to – let me finish! I’m in control, now, and we’ll do things my way! – you’ve got nothing to lo –”

That was the moment the microphone was wrestled out of his hands. The Finance Minister is said to be resting well at an unnamed hospital.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/
RTGAM.20081212.eladvote1212_@/BNStory/newsFinanceFlap2008/]
more

You Know, One Sign Of Maturity Is Not Blaming Your Father For Your Own Inadequacies


“You know, I’m the President during this period of time, but I think when the history of this period is written, people will realize a lot of the decisions that were made on Wall Street took place over a decade or so, before I arrived in President, during I arrived in President.”

– President George W. Bush


SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
more

Forcing Them To Watch Barney Still A War Crime

Part of the tour of the Guantanamo Bay prison included a wing where prisoners can now sit (with their ankles shackled) and learn how to draw flowers. However, journalists were not given the opportunity to interview the kindergarten teachers who would be instructing them.

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF26LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s139/Os/14/e7DUeReRD.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
more

We Will Never Give In To Terrorism, Doc

the square root of one headache) Who said “any response needs to be judged by its effectiveness in prevention and also by not creating other unintended consequences or difficulties” and what did they say it about?



a) American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said it about the terrorist attacks on Mumbai
b) Indian Foreign Secretary Shiv Shankar Menon said it about the terrorist attacks on the United States on 9/11
c) Bugs Bunny said it about Marvin the Martian’s planned terrorist attacks on Earth


SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more

Leave a Reply