Thank you, Fifi LaDobson, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Of course, we couldn’t stop Uncle Ferd from playing football with the Christmas turkey, but it only fell to the floor six times this year, so we feel blessed.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Chickens Come Home To Poop On The Roost
Iran has claimed responsibility for setting off the nuclear bomb that decimated Washington. “We knew that the United States was preparing to attack us,” claimed President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, “so, we attacked them first. I understand that Iran’s tactic needs a snappy new name so that it can be easily digested by the American public. I’m thinking…preemptive. That sounds good. It’s a forceful, take charge kind of word. Preemptive. Preemptive…something. No matter – we have lots of time to figure out the details…now…”
President George W. Bush, who was vacationing on his Crawford ranch when most of his government was annihilated, pouted, “See, that’s just not the way it’s supposed to work!” Then, he stuck his thumb in his mouth and started rocking back and forth, intermittently cooing, “Mama. Mama!”
SOURCE: The Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32922641214641814667fx]
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He Looks Better When Flanked By The Belmonts
Soon after his election as leader of the Liberal Party, Conservative commentators suggested that Stephane Dion would not be fit to lead Canada because of his silver hair. “Most Canadians have either already dyed their hair or will when they get old enough,” David Frum bloviated in The National Post. “How can we trust a man who is so out of step with the country?”
Dion initially responded that he had a sentimental attachment to his hair the way it was, that his mother had approved of it before her death, and that he had no intention of changing it. After a couple of days’ reflection, he has said that he would be willing to change his mind on changing his hair colour if it affected the Party’s ability to get elected.
“Isn’t that just like a politician?” Frum fulminated further. “Changing his mind on a personal issue that shouldn’t have become so prominent in the first place?
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec1oecd-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657bb48dc]
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I Like A Good Conspiracy Theory As Much As The Next Person, BUT How Do They Keep Us Out Of The Movie?
Don’t get me wrong: I think Cars is fine family entertainment. Only, each time I watch, I realize more and more that it just isn’t possible. I mean, the cars in the film have houses, phones, video screens, cameras – BUT NO OPPOSABLE THUMBS! In fact, THEY DON’T HAVE HANDS AT ALL! Just wheels that sort of sometimes act kind of like flippers. How could they build everything depicted in the movie without hands? I’ve wracked my brains thinking about it, and I can only come to one conclusion.
The cars have managed to enslave the human race, getting us to make everything for them.
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoremeatyourperil.com/conspiracy2330.html]
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This Is Your Brain On Power
“Publicly announce a set of benchmarks agreed to by the Iraqi Government and the U.S. – political, economic and security goals – to chart a path ahead for the Iraqi government and Iraqi people (to get them moving) and for the U.S. public (to reassure them that progress can and is being made).”
– Donald Rumsfeld, critic of the Iraq war, two days before he resigned as Secretary of Defense
“You’re looking for some sort of a guillotine to come falling down if some date isn’t met. That is not what this is about… You ought to just back off, take a look at it, relax, understand that it’s complicated, it’s difficult.”
– Donald Rumsfeld to critics of the Iraq war two weeks before the American Presidential election
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Putting The “Oh, Christ!” Back In Christmas
I think it’s great that Wal-Mart greeters now say “Merry Christmas” instead of “Seasons greetings” to customers. However, we must not stop being vigilant about the war on Christmas just because we seem to have won. Undermining the faith can happen anywhere at any time. What’s this, for instance? “The war on X-Mas?” Since when have we been involved in a war on the letter X? It’s Christmas, people! Who – get that graphic off my screen! I don’t care if it fits better than the whole word – Christmas is not about convenience for graphic designers! It’s about the children! Who – who approved that graphic? I DID? I mean, umm – there, you see. The war on Christmas can strike anybody at any – I really approved that? Was it after my morning p – never mind. I – go to a commercial. No, go to a commercial now!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2983,96206,00.html]
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You Mean There’s More Than One?
Coming for holiday gift-giving: Gideon’s Spider Monkeys! This may well be the best time travel teen true crime coming of age multi-generational romantic comedy of the season!
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.13/cgi/NGoto/2/64682861?3459]
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Everybody Still Settles
YOU WANT: to accuse Jose Padilla of planning “to build and explode a radiological dispersion device, or ‘dirty bomb,’ in the United States.” YOU’LL SETTLE FOR: Jose Padilla being tried for being the recruiter of a “North American support cell,” whose interest was in jihad in Bosnia and Chechnya. YOU’LL GET: Jose Padilla being convicted of a parking offense in Yonkers.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=472&dir=bb]
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Tough Boss
A new report claims that five people a day die in Canadian workplaces…and that’s just in the Prime Minister’s Office.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/PortmoironClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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I Would Do Twice The Work For Half The Price And Still Feel Like A Winner
9pm. Fox. American Idle. Excitement mounts as the final four CEO contestants vie to see who can make the most in annual bonuses while doing the least amount of work. Simon Cowell’s aggressive prickishness (which some mistake for refreshing honesty) finally has a worthy target.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide.
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Sounds Like A Pieces Plan To Me
Do you remember how Colin Powell quoted the Pottery Barn rule (“If you break it, you bought it.”) in reference to Iraq? Okay, Powell may not have actually put it quite that way. And, in any case, that’s not the Pottery Barn’s rule.
However, if he did and it was, the rule would have to be rewritten to better reflect the reality of the Iraq war. The new rule might go something like: if you break it, appoint somebody who is beholden to you to head the store and blame the employees for not doing more to fix it themselves.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/56.htm]
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