Thank you, Festivus P. Restivus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we wondered what it was all for. All of the pointless striving. All of the needless suffering. The seemingly endless rounds of generations making the same mistakes as all of the generations that came before them: all of the lessons that we never seem to learn. There was only one conclusion we could reasonably come to.
All of human history happened to enable the creation of spandex.
Now that we have achieved our purpose in the universe, the human race is just marking time until we evolve into a species with a higher purpose. We can’t wait to see what artificial fabrics are in their destiny!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Every Dragon Is The Hero Of Its Own Story
The dragon Smaugrump looked around his mancave at Mar-a-Lago. “I may not be able to see you,” he rumbled, “but I can smell your presence. Know that, whoever you are, you are not going to get my hoard. Not a single folder. Not a single classified document. Nothing shall ever escape my grasp!”
“They don’t belong to you!” Bilbo Bratt found the courage to shout from the shadows.
“They do now!” Smaugrump roared.
Holding a court order aloft, Bilbo Bratt stepped out of the shadows and towards the messy pile of documents. Smaugrump roared and spit fire at him, but the court order held, and the relevant documents were soon removed from the mancave.
In the aftermath of the raid, Smaugrump did what he always did: took to social media to whine about how hard dragons had it these days.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Heart Was Warned Not To Drink The Water, But Hydration Didn’t Seem To Be Its Major Priority
The embalmed heart of Pedro I, the emperor who declared Brazil’s independence, is touring the country as part of the celebration of the 200th anniversary of the end of the monarchy.
The Brazilian Ministry of Propaganda and Pop Tarts issued a statement warmly welcoming the heart to the country from its home in Portugal, hoping it enjoyed its stay, and forcefully pointing out that President Jair Bolsonaro had not asked for the organ to see if it fit the empty space where his heart should have been
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
[http://www.inquiringnationalstar.com/gossip/64372]
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This Is A Teachable Moment
Unfortunately, Nobody Can Agree On The Lesson, Or Even Who The Students Are
A protest against Western University’s COVID-19 vaccine mandate drew hundreds of people hoping to overturn the policy. At least 12 of the protesters were actual students.
“I could be a mature student,” pointed out immature Tamara Lich. “I mean, I’m a student of human nature, if nothing else. That counts!”
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v7/i13/36a02601.htm]
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“Don’t Drink The Water” No Longer A Travel Advisory For Just Latin American Countries
It was bad enough that the British group Surfers Against Sewage issued a press release complaining: “Duuuuude! Do you have any idea how much of a downer it is to be riding the crest of a bitchin’ wave only to be thrown off your board when you hit a patch of raw sewage? It can bum out your whole day! You, like, gotta do something about it, dude!”
Now, the European Union is getting in on the act. It has complained that loosening the regulation of waste in Britain’s waterways has resulted in raw sewage getting into the system that could pollute the water in neighbouring countries.
“Unhelpful and ill-informed comments like this shouldn’t distract from the work we are doing to further protect our rivers and sea,” said Steve Double, the UK water minister. The statement would likely have been more credible if he hadn’t been wearing a gas mask at the time.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2022/aug/26/this-article-is-rubbish]
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It’s Enough To Give An Executive Of A Vast Media Conglomerate Grey Hair…Not That He Would Have To Fear Losing His Job Over It
In response to the outrage expressed after the firing of long-time CTV news anchor Lisa LaFlamme, Bell Media Solutions to Problems You Didn’t Even Know Existed has announced that it will take steps to deal with the perceived problem with the company.
“We take allegations of discrimination very seriously,” the company said in a press release, “and will take steps to eventually initiate a third-party internal workplace review in the newsroom which will completely exonerate management from any wrongdoing.”
Baby steps, then. Perhaps crawling, even. But even crawling is forward motion…
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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McConnell Burped At The Seven Minute Mark, But It Was Just For Punctuation
Is there any sadder sound in the natural world than the sigh of a turtle?
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell recently held a press conference in which he acknowledged that the Republican takeover of the Senate in the mid-term elections was in jeopardy because so many extreme candidates supported by former President Donald Trump had won their primaries. Mostly, he just stood at the microphone looking forlorn and sighing for 20 minutes, but his meaning was clear.
McConnell knows what other Republicans are only beginning to sense: the red wave expected in November may be a red wave goodbye.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Did We Mention That The Leaders Of The Race Of Alien Lizards Are Jewish?
We Always Thought There Was Something Scaly About George Soros!
The Canadian government has announced that it will create a team to counter Russian disinformation and propaganda. The purpose of this team is to distract the Canadian people from the fact that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and most of his cabinet members are alien lizards who are on Earth to harvest human bile secretions that, for them, are an aphrodisiac.
The – what? No. That’s absurd. The existence of such a team is necessary, the Prime Minister stated, to ensure that Russia does not interfere in future Canadian elections. Because of course, beams from the home planet of the lizard people are capable of erasing the marks voters make on ballots and substituting the preferred candidate of the aliens.
The – what? No. There are no aliens in the Canadian government, and there certainly aren’t any aliens interfering with our – oh. It looks like the team has its work cut out for it…
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20220825.eladvote0825_@/BNStory/newsOops2022/]
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