Thank you, Downtown Abby, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, as we watched Donald Trump announce the dismantlement of the social safety net that for so long had given so many Americans security, we thought we saw Ronald Reagan standing behind him on the White House podium, giving him a thumbs up. We blinked and rubbed our eyes, but when we looked back, he was still there. (Reagan, we mean, not Trump, who is now never likely to leave.) Noticing that we noticed him, Reagan shrugged his shoulders, crooked his elbows and high-stepped it out of the room at high speed (he was never a subtle actor). We chased him down a hallway and out of the building onto the street, where he ran towards an idling stretch limo next to which Margaret Thatcher and Brian Mulroney were lounging, sharing a cigarette and laughing. “Brian! Maggie! Scatter! They’re on to us!” All three ran off in different directions before disappearing into puffs of smoke.
That will teach us to put Tabasco sauce on our apple pie before going to sleep!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
2025 – Mark That Century On Your Calendar!
Trump: “Project…what? 2020? 2023? Something like that? No. Sorry. Never heard of it. Project 2025? Is that what the cool kids are calling – no. Sorry. I don’t know what the cool kids call anything – never have, never will. They’ll be sorry once I take office again, but, uhh, yeah. Project 2025? I guarantee, I’ve never heard of it. Some of my close advisers contributed to Project 2025? Hey! – what they do in their spare time is their business, not mine! Nope. Sorry. Never heard of it. Some of the people around me are saying Project 2025 is the blueprint for my second term? They – what’s the phrase? – they’ve gone Roquefort? No. Not really sorry – I’m never sorry for anything – but I’ve never heard of it. Why do you keep harping on such a nothingburger – mmm, burger. I could go for a – what? I won the election? Really? Oh, well, then, yeah, Project 2025 was the plan all along!”
SOURCE: Politics for Beginners
[http://www.politicsforbeginners.com/home.asp?did=502&dir=bb]
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Can You Prove The Idea Didn’t Exist Before You Deployed It?
Didn’t Think So
The Liberal government of Justin Trudeau has announced that it will be giving Canadians a two-month GST holiday and a $250 cheque. The move has its critics.
“This kind of populism sounds weirdly familiar,” complained Ontario Premier Doug Ford. “Can I sue for plagiarism?”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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The Once And Future (It’s Good To Be Da) King
Judge Juan Merchan has announced that he won’t be sentencing President-elect Donald Trump in the hush money case on November 26, as he had planned. Instead, he is looking for prosecutors and Trump’s lawyers for their ideas on what to do next.
Trump isn’t above the law. He is in a completely separate universe from the law!
SOURCE: The Legal Unintelligibler
[https://www.law.com/thelegalUnintelligibler/2024/11/23/who-knew-dead-brain-worms-were-communicable]
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What Was The Judge Expecting? An Email That Started, “Dear Myron. Remember When I Called You To Influence An Ongoing Police Investigation? Good Times. Anyway, About Your Honey Custard Moosemeat Pie Recipe…”?
The judge in the trial of 11 7 6 people who threw paint at an Indigo store to protest its owner’s support of Heseg, a foundation that funds lone wolves going to Israel to fight in the IDF, has ruled that there was no evidence that Heather Reisman’s two calls to Police Chief Myron Demkiw were intended to influence the case or led to harsher treatment of the suspects such as middle of the night no knock warrants and charges of committing hate crimes.
The judge appears to have accepted an affidavit submitted by Reisman’s lawyers that the calls were made to “trade recipes.”
“I had heard that Myron made a mean honey custard moosemeat pie,” the affidavit read. “I was curious about what ingredients you would need to make it – aside from the obvious ones in the name, I mean – and how to mix them to make them the scrumptiest. When we got into it, Myron said that he had always wondered about my turbeepork recipe. Unfortunately, I didn’t have all of the instructions memorized, so we rang off so I could find the recipe. We mostly talked about preparing the dish when I called him the second time. See? No political interference.”
I’m convinced.
SOURCE: EEE!Talk
[http://www.etv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/show/ETVShows/1056257207838_56649202/]
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Even Those Of Us Who Knew It Was A Cult Had No Idea It Was A Death Cult
We Always Thought It Was A Cargo Pants Cult
Vice President JD Vance has said he has contracted an assassin to kill President Donald Trump, his wife Melania and Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House; the contract will be trigged if Vance is killed. This comes after a falling out in which –
Oh, wait. What is today’s date? November 24, 2024? I’m sorry. This actually took place in the Philippines. The Vice President was Sara Duterte and the President was Ferdinand Marcos, Jr.
The Vice President taking a contract out on the President won’t happen in the United States for another six months.
SOURCE: Gerald’s Next To Penultimate Conspiracy Page
[http://www.ignoregeraldatyourperil.com/conspiracy2291.html]
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“We Will Also Not Force Canadians To Build Houses Out Of Spaghetti. Has The Trudeau Government Ever Denounced This Plan?”
Pierre Poilievre, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, wants you to know that if he is elected Prime Minister, his government will not force people to eat bugs. Despite the fact that no government in this country’s history has ever advocated that Canadians be forced to eat bugs.
“This kind of populism sounds weirdly familiar,” complained United States president-elect Donald Trump. “Can I sue for plagiarism?”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/international/2024-11-23-populist-plagiarism-all-the-cool-kids-are-doing-it_x.htm]
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Did You Know That There Are Think Tanks That Do Nothing But Dream Up These Terms?
I know, Right? How Do I Get A Job At A Place Like That?
You don’t have to be a whine connoisseur to reject the Bible-infused elementary school curriculum being served in Texas.
Sure, it has a fruity bouquet that invites the curious palate, but once you get a little on your tongue, watch out! The concoction tastes like sour grapes, with a top note of Christian chauvinism. Some drinkers will convince themselves that this foul substance tastes like purist honey whine, but the rest of us should avoid it like any of the ten plagues.
SOURCE: The Hill You Die On
[https://thehillyoudieon.com/homenews/administration/448845-we-will-serve-no-whine-before-its-time]
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