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THOUGHTS THAT KEEP US UP AT NIGHT
He Couldn’t Know Any Less Than The Current President
Excerpt from an interview with Starbucks kabillionaire Howard Schultz:
JOURNALIST: Some critics of your intention to run for President say that you have no policy ideas.
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Policy ideas? Pfft! Please! I didn’t become the founder of the most popular chain of non-alcoholic drinking establishments by not having policy ideas!
JOURNALIST: Oooooo-kay, then. What is your position on climate change?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: After the winter we’ve had? I could certainly use a change of climate!
JOURNALIST: Umm, no, sir. I meant: what would your government do about the fact that the pollutants human activity are putting into the environment are causing increasingly violent and unpredictable weather patterns?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Really?
JOURNALIST: Really.
HOWARD SCHULTZ: That sounds like something that needs more study.
JOURNALIST: Over 90 per cent of climate scientists agree that the devastation of the climate is approaching a point of no return, if we haven’t already reached it.
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Oh. Well. That sounds pretty bad, then.
JOURNALIST: So, what would a Schultz administration do about it?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Something decisive, no doubt. I didn’t become the king of caffeine by being wussy!
JOURNALIST: But – okay. Let’s move on. What are you considering doing about Russian interference in American elections?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: It depends on whose behalf they are interfering.
JOURNALIST: Actually, it doesn’t. The fact that they are interfering at all means they are acting against the United States.
HOWARD SCHULTZ: That’s pretty bad, too, isn’t it?
JOURNALIST: Some people think so, yes.
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Definitely gonna have to study that one.
JOURNALIST: Right. The ongoing humanitarian crisis in the Occupied Territories?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Needs study.
JOURNALIST: The American abrogation of the Iran non-nuclear treaty?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Gonna study the shit out of that one.
JOURNALIST: The American abrogation of the Iran non-nuclear treaty?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Gonna study the shit out of that one.
JOURNALIST: Economic competition with China?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: Umm…study it?
JOURNALIST: The increasing wealth gap between the rich and the poor?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: That’s a problem? (beat) Joking! I was just joking! I would definitely study that one.
JOURNALIST: Mister Schultz, why do you want to be President?
HOWARD SCHULTZ: This country needs new leadership with new ideas!
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500cahs01.html]
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For Such A Tough Guy, Doug Ford Sure Has Stacked His Cabinet With Virgins!
Ontario Attorney General Caroline Mulroney has vowed to speed up the process of independent investigations of police officers.
“Everybody knows they’re going to be found innocent,” Attorney General Mulroney explained. “So, why should they languish under a cloud of suspicion?”
A couple of seconds later, she innocently asked, “What?”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=259672]
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“Spiritual Death To America” Didn’t Fit On A Bumper Sticker
In comments at a gathering of Iranian air force officers, Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei said that chants of “Death to America!” had been misunderstood for decades.
“Those of us who say that do not mean we want the entire country to be murdered,” he explained. “We are calling for a spiritual death that is the necessary precursor to America’s spiritual rebirth as a moral nation.”
Un hunh. What about the fact that Iranians who chant “Death to America!” are often heavily armed? Grinning, Supreme Leader Khamenei replied: “We are just trying to – how did your writer put it? – focus the American mind…”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2019Feb12.html]
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The Problematic Doors? I Loved That Sixties Band!
Swiss Federal Railways stated that new Bombardier trains have not lived up to expectations, and that both companies were working to correct problems, including improving software and fixing problematic doors.
Toronto put a hand on Zurich’s shoulder and said, “Welcome to my world!”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB177413397499420404,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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The Joke Is On Her: The Planet Takes Her Government’s Policies Very Personally
Belgium’s Environment Minister Joke Schauvliege has backed down from her claim that the country’s security services had told her that kid’s climate demonstrations were a plot against her.
“The children didn’t have their nap time at school,” Minister Schauvliege allowed. “As a result, they were crankier than usual, and took it out on our government’s climate policy. While their behaviour is not acceptable, I now accept that it wasn’t personal.”
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=509]
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Appealing To The Kangaroo Court Of Public Opinion
The Liberals have announced that they will be holding hearings into alleged government interference in the prosecution of SNC-Lavalin on charges of bribing Libyan officials. Among the witnesses will be: D. Duck, B. Bunny and W. Coyote.
“This is a kangaroo court!” complained NDP Justice Critic Murray Rankin.
“Ah, yes,” said Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “We really should add Hippety Hopper to the witness list!”
SOURCE: Globe and Mail
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.201902012.eladvote0212_@/BNStory/newsOops2019/]
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It’s Like Manchester, Only With Less Flair And Greasier Chips
“I’ve been wondering what that special place in hell looks like for those who promoted #Brexit without even a sketch of a pan how to carry it out safely.”
– European Council President Donald Tusk
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/helluva-thing-to-tweet/]
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Say It MacLeod, Say It MacProud?
Ontario Social Services Minister Lisa MacLeod has apologized for telling a group of behaviour analysts that they would suffer “four long years” if they didn’t support the province’s changes in policy towards autistic children. Sort of.
“I’m sorry they misunderstood what I was saying,” Minister MacLeod stated. “All I meant was that the Ford government would pass a law making all of the next four years leap years, making them all a day longer.”
Meanwhile, the Ford government claims that it has broad support for its plan to cut a wait list of 23,000 children by taking money from support payments children already in the programme get. And, anybody who does not support the policy is selfish, short-sighted, self-interested and a “professional protester” who lacks common sense or decency.
“But, we will be happy to work with them to show them the error of their ways,” Minister MacLeod magnanimously mouthed.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1065691835713
&call_pageid=960035205992&col=960566977244]
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