Thank you, Devon Shyer, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we learned a valuable lesson about religions not being monolithic. We had always thought that all Christians hated faggots, but that’s not true. There are some Christians who are totally fine with faggots, who, in fact, love all people just as Jesus commanded them to. Who, knew? This jibes with something we realized last year: not all Jews are money-grubbing people in weird clothes who control the media. It’s insights like this that make us feel more positive about religion.
Of course, all Muslims are still terrorists. Enlightenment has its limits.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Emotional Maturity Is For Wimps And Liberals (If That Isn’t Redundant)!
Have you ever noticed that how a politician approaches public goods reflects the path of child development? No? The following chart might help clarify this for you:
| statement | emotional age | additional explanation |
| wretching noises, which can be translated into: “If you don’t do exactly as I say, we’re not going to have any new services!” | 2 years old | unyielding irrationality, usually accompanied by throwing toys around; telling the child to “use his words” has no effect |
| “We’re going to have new services, but we won’t pay for them!” | 6 years old | glimmering recognition of the needs of others, but still within a selfish view of the world |
| “We’re going to have new services, and the province will pay for them!” | 11 years old | recognizes needs, but assumes mommy and daddy will fund them |
| “We’re going to have new services, and the poor and unemployed will pay for them!” | 14 years old | recognizes needs, but mooches off friends to pay for them |
| “We’re going to have new services, and we will raise taxes to pay for them.” | 18 years old | mature understanding of how governments actually function |
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=767&dir=bb]
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Sheeeeee’s Bach…mann!
Michele, Michele, Michele. It’s been too long since you popped out of the bag to share the special brand of Bachmann crazy. We…we missed you.
Will the Democrats’ Affordable Health Act (AHA!), whose purpose is to help vulnerable groups, really kill women, children and seniors? More than the current insurance-company driven system, I mean? Don’t you need to follow such assertions with, you know, facts? Oh, sorry – I forgot where you were…
Oh, and invoking your Christianity to support your unsupported allegation? Doesn’t the bible have bad things to say about people who bear false witness? Especially on CSPAN?
Don’t blame me if places of worship pop up in the Bag of Crazy. They aren’t necessarily indigenous to the region – people seem to bring their religion with them when they immigrate.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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The Main Purpose Of The Reforms Being To Avoid Being The Subject Of “Particular Stories”
“We are obviously concerned by some particular stories that have surfaced. I’m not going to comment on those, but I can tell you we certainly have been looking into those and other cases like them and we will be – in very short order – bringing forward a series of reforms that we have been developing to make sure this programme is serving its purpose.”
– Prime Minister Stephen Harper on the temporary foreign worker programme
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Hazel Nuts
2, too much) First, Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion claimed in court that, although she signed a document that named her son as a principal in a development firm that proposed a $1.5 billion hotel and convention centre, she didn’t know he was involved because she didn’t read it (they were in a dark restaurant and, gee whiz, her glasses just weren’t handy). Then, when asked why she voted for an 18 month delay in developers’ fees that would have to be made up by taxpayers, McCallion couldn’t say. How will her supporters explain these apparent lapses?
a) she’s 187 years old, for goodness’ sake! Let’s see how good your memory is when you’re 187 years old!
b) Hazel McCallion, that old rapscallion, is a conservative stallion, so there should be no dilly-dallyin’ when burnishing her medallion! (See, she’s cool because her supporters are down with the kid’s rap music!)
c) the Toronto Star is out to get her
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Just A Typical Case Of GIGO (Guns In, Gore Out)
A UN arms treaty intended to stop gun-runners in war-torn parts of the world has passed with Canada’s help, despite warnings that Canadian legal gun owners could be caught in the bureaucracy. A study funded by the National Rifle Association released on Tuesday proposes that armed personnel be stationed in every U.S. school in response to December’s school massacre in Connecticut.
“Obviously, we believe they will make a difference in the various layers that make up school safety,” [Asa] Hutchinson, a former congressman, told a news conference held under unusually heavy security. “Prime Minister [Stephen] Harper should seize this opportunity to stand up for a safer world by promptly signing and submitting the Arms Trade Treaty to Parliament for ratification.”
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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If Only Dolls Could Speak, She Would Say, “Immigration Reform Is Hard!”
Mattel has just released Mexican Barbie, a doll that is supposed to represent Latino culture. One point of contention with the doll is that, as with other dolls in Mattel’s international collection, it comes complete with a passport.
“This gives a false impression of Mexicans,” stated Bigots Without Borders Executive Director Whitney Smits. “It might actually lead some people to believe that sombrero-heads are in this country legally. Is that really something we want to teach impressionable young children?”
Mattel shrugged its corporate shoulders and muttered, “We just can’t win!”
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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If That Joke Is Allowed To Continue, It Will Have One Hell Of A Punch Line!
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has announced that his previous announcement that he would launch a nuclear missile at South Korea was an April Fool’s joke. “Lighten up, capitalist swine,” he stated. “The vanguard of the proletariat has a sense of humour, you know!”
When it was pointed out that Jong-un’s threat wasn’t actually made on April 1st, and that, in fact, he had been repeating it for much of the previous month, he responded, “That was the set-up! Honestly, do you have no conception of how humour works?”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LSOSFFPQFHELPME5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/YIkesDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/
s119/Oh/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=63590]
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