Thank you, Daphne Reader’s Digest Taione, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we inexplicably discovered that we were old. We know, right? How could that possibly have happened? One day, we’re rocking out at concerts by our favourite bands, the next they’re shilling for hip replacements that our doctors are telling us we’ll soon need. One day, our taste in literature scandalizes our parents, the next it embarrasses our grandchildren. One day, we’re questing for spiritual truth, the next we’re desperate to find a drug that will keep us sexually active. Maybe in the next life we’ll have better luck…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Feel Safer
I Don’t Know Why, But I Do…
“We are criminalizing more poor people. That is how Ontario is keeping our citizens safe. This ad was paid for by the government of Ontario.”
“Canada is increasing sentences for people who are convicted of crimes of poverty. That is how Canada is keeping our citizens safe. This ad was paid for by the government of Canada.”
“We are putting more poor people in stocks in the public square and providing free rotten vegetables for people to throw at them. That is how Ontario is keeping our citizens safe. This ad was paid for by the government of Ontario.”
“We are starting a reality TV show where Canadians compete to see who can come up with the most humiliating way to persecute poor people. That is how Canada is keeping our citizens safe. This ad was paid for by the government of Canada.”
“Jesus, Canada! This isn’t a competition! That is how Ontario is keeping our citizens safe. This ad was paid for by the government of Ontario.”
“Keep telling yourself that, Ontario. Keep telling yourself that. That is how Canada is keeping our citizens safe. This ad was paid for by the government of Canada.”
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1970957364]
more
I Would Have Used Sudan As The Example, But It Has Received So Little Press I Didn’t Think Readers Would Get The Reference – *SIGH*
1 wonders) How long does a tent city have to exist before it stops being referred to as “temporary?”
a) three times the length of the hypotenuse divided by the newspaper editor’s patience
b) oddly, Strunk and White are silent on this issue – maybe we’ll find out in the next edition…
c) that’s antisemitic!
can’t be 2 careful these days) I didn’t use any examples (like Gaza) – how was that question antisemitic?
a) I could see it in your eyes – which I can’t see, but I’m assuming you have…
b) there are only 27 tent cities around the world – lucky guess?
c) you just cited an example – ha ha! Caught you! Antisemites are so stupid!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Disgracefully
“More Time Is a Gift. But How to Use It?”
– New York Times
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1503552938]
more
I Can’t Believe The “Spiritual Beatle” Wrote This!
Pac-Man
Let me tell you the way it is
I dominate the arcade biz
Cuz I’m the Pac-Man
Yeah, I’m the Pac-Man
If my adventures you would join
Have an unending stream of coin
Cuz I’m the Pac-Man
Yeah, I’m the Pac-Man
There’s lots of fruit for you to eat
(If you try to win) A sad end you’ll meet
(Just one wrong move) You’ll go down in defeat
(Practice all you like) You’ll never leave your seat
(Pac-Man)
Cuz I’m the Pac-Man
Yeah, I’m the Pac-Man
Don’t ask me if you’re having fun
(Ah, ah, Mr. Pinky)
You’ll stay here til the game is done
(Ah, ah, Mr. Clyde)
Cuz I’m the Pac-Man
Yeah, I’m the Pac-Man
Now my advice to those who play (Pac-Man)
Prepare to spend the entire day (Pac-Man)
Cuz I’m the Pac-Man
Yeah, I’m the Pac-Man
And your attention’s on no one but me (Pac-Man)
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/978.html]
more
Because You Wanted A Conservative Prime Minister, You Just Didn’t Know It
“I’m glad I voted for Liberal Prime Minister Mark Carney. He has stood up to the Americans, especially Donald Trump.”
He’s gutting climate regulations.
“But he stood up to Donald Trump.”
“He’s behind building a new pipeline across Canada.”
“Yeah, but…but standing up to Donald Trump.”
He is considering privatizing Canada Post.
“Okay, sure, not great. But standing up to Donald Trump!”
He wants to increase sentences for criminals to keep them in jail longer.
“But…but…Trump…standing up to him…”
He’s taking money out of programs for the poor to increase military spending.
“W…why did I vote for him, again?”
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
more
Ratings Would Plummet Anywhere Else, But Since The Punishment Of A Large Number Of Denizens Of Hell Includes Watching The Show, Who The Guest Is Doesn’t Make A Difference
INT. BURN IN HELL WITH GEORGE WALLACE SET – ETERNAL NIGHT
GEORGE WALLACE sits behind the Infernal Desk, holding a small stack of scorched index cards.
GEORGE WALLACE: Okay, we’re back. Like we have anywhere else to go. My next guest is somebody whose work I have admired for decades. He’s smooth. He’s glib. He moved behind the scenes to remake his country into a hellscape we’re all familiar with. Please give a warm, warm welcome to Mitch McConnell!
SOUND: enthusiastic applause, cheers and a couple of wolf howls.
VOICE FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN: Mitch isn’t here!
WALLACE: I was promised Mitch McConnell!
VFBtC: He didn’t – he isn’t – he wasn’t ready!
WALLACE: Then who the Hell is our next guest?
VFBtC walks out from behind the curtain and sits on the Flaming Couch of Doom.
WALLACE: (unenthusiastic) Oh. Lindsey Graham, everybody.
SOUND: scattered applause. Somebody boos.
LINDSEY GRAHAM: (settling into the seat) You don’t have to sound so disappointed!
WALLACE: I was told I would be getting Mitch McConnell.
GRAHAM: But I’m just as good.
WALLACE: You’re no Mitch McConnell.
GRAHAM: Aww, come on, Big Guy. I repeatedly swore I would never work with Donald Trump, but always returned to his side to suck his…ring. I sold my integrity to somebody who doesn’t know what integrity is.
WALLACE: Mitch McConnell quietly undermined the country’s democracy. Donald Trump would not have been possible if he hadn’t stacked the Supreme Court.
GRAHAM: He was the greatest. No question. But what I did wasn’t nothing…
WALLACE: (sighs) Fine. (tears up top index card) Let’s talk about…the weather…
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/stalecrackergraham.shtml]
more